I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

I’m pretty easy going about putting stuff away etc but it sounds like you were very clear about what you needed and he can’t even manage it for a few days. You’re fundamentally incompatible but rather than accept that, he’s hoping he can wear you down and he’ll end up living in your house doing nothing while you pick up his stream of crap he leaves in his wake.

It’s giving me red flags that he’s so desperate to move in together too.

If it was a trial then this would have been him on his best behaviour too.

You tried, he patently couldn't be arsed and sounds like a cocklodger in waiting who wants a mummy/fanny/housekeeper. Good riddance. Him ignoring your boundaries in your own home and then calling you names is all the red flags you need.

Hear hear .

It really isn’t ok to chuck someone’s stuff out of the window and swear at them.

I doubt there would be cheering for a man if a female MNer posted that this happened to her.

Yes, he was slobby and didn’t respect your ‘no shoes’ rule but plenty of people struggle with that

As for your reaction to the coffee jar being g out of place…

You have a long way to go before you can make the compromises that go with ‘our ‘ home rather than ‘mine’ and he needs to get over his slobby single male habits. If he can.

One word: Cocklodger

Why are so many men like this now? It's so utterly depressing.

Solitude. You could be me.

Also hear hear 👏 🤣

Protect your space! Xxxxx

You would expect him to be on his best behaviour, trying to do his best to show he's 'moving in with' material.

If this is his best it will only get worse.

If you let him move in he would turn your house into the midden that he currently occupies. Big cocklodger alert imho.
Block him and move o

"Hes getting desperate to move in" - yes, I bet he was! Easier to move into someone else's nice home rather than spend any effort on his own.

In his defence I will say that my now husband was very wary of moving in with me as I was very untidy and he was concerned that I wouldn't respect his possessions. I have been doing years of decluttering, now have good enough storage and keep the place clean. And his possessions don't get touched. I was careful from the beginning to start how I meant to go on. Sounds like you partner was too....as a reformed slob, even I couldn't live with that.

I can see that screaming and chucking stuff out of the window is a bit of an extreme reaction, but I can also totally relate to how you felt. It really sounds like he was pushing his luck and taking the piss and had no respect at all for your space and your stuff. If he thought you were a bit oversensitive or "OCD" about it, you could have that discussion and it might be a reason why living together wasn't a great plan. But you would expect a guy who's desperate to move in to at least listen and try when on a trial period. Instead he just totally ignored you and was the same messy pig he is at home. That says it all about who he is. No respect, no consideration, plus no taste and can't wait to get his feet under your table. Big fat NOPE.

Yes throwing glass jars at people and chucking their stuff out of windows over minor things should definitely be enouraged more. Well done.

I love how not wanting wet towels to be slung on the bathroom floor is characterised as “obsessive”. Just demonstrates how standards generally are in the gutter.

Nope, just nope. And for those who think you’re being unreasonable/too harsh, you probably need to raise your own bar. Expecting someone to behave respectfully in someone else’s home is normal. There’s no ‘struggle’ about it, it’s not difficult to pick up after yourself or take your shoes off, he just doesn’t give a shit and expects OP to tidy up after him. Like his mum probably did, and more fool her.

I would only remove/chuck toys if my kids were doing things like throwing them. Leaving a towel on the floor doesn’t warrant this.

Run!

I have no idea why he's bothering to apologise to you or even thinking he can make this work.

The fact that he ignored your requests is worse than anything he actually did. Personally I wouldn't want shoes indoors, but wet towels on the floor wouldn't especially anger me and dropping clothes on the floor is something I do every day. However it shouldn't be hard for him to respect what you want in your house.

Your reaction was completely unhinged though. Like, this isn't a you-go-girl scene in a cheesy film, it's just not OK to do that to someone's belongings unless they've seriously wronged you, as in a full-blown affair in a long marriage. To do that over wet towels on the floor and your coffee jar OCD is disturbing behaviour. Just end it like a normal person.

I do like his petty one last move of the coffee jar and I hope I'd have done the same. Christ nows why he's begging for more of the same treatment though.

I am totally with you on this, OP. My house is not a showhome but everything has its place and it’s how I like it.

He was disrespectful and entitled and I absolutely LOVE that you threw his things out of the window. A brilliant response

The fact that he’s trying to weasel his way back in with a snivelling excuse that he “needs time to adjust” is telling - he won’t adjust, he’ll just expect you to bend round him because letting him over the threshold will be seen as a tacit acceptance of his manchild ways.

He wants to move into yours because you’ve got a nice, grown-up home rather than his student digs, and he’s hoping you’ll be his housekeeper with extras. The thought of that arrangement would make me slam shut so hard I’d have whiplash in my nether regions.

I think you've probably had enough responses! Maybe somebody else has said this, but if you can't abide somebody moving the coffee pot around the kitchen, you're unlikely to be happy living with anybody.

Sort yourself out!

You don't want him living there BUT you started overnight stays...

That didn't go well so you INCREASED the overnight stays?!

That doesn't go well and now you're asking how to be more relaxed about him treating your house like shit??

He has tested your boundaries at every opportunity, told you you're mental and you've gone from not wanting to live with him because he doesn't respect your home to wondering how to have him there more because its what he wants?!

Wise the fuck up! I see what's in it for him, but what about you?!

@Drakula this. You did not over react. He is a slob.

So basically he loves your clean, tidy, attractive home and wants to live in it, but doesn’t want to change his lazy ways to be in it? NO WAY.

Absolutely This. ⬆️
He'd be under the patio in no time.

You’re just not compatible. Good to know now rather than later.