I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

You need therapy. I can't imagine throwing someone's possessions out of a window.

He might be unsuitable/messy/annoying but you're in charge of your own behaviour only.

It's pretty obvious I think. Cheaper, sex on tap, someone to look after him. No need to be on his best behaviour any more - whats not to like.

I think if it were love for the OP he'd show her more respect.

It's not going to work is it?

the law recognises verbal domestic abuse as well physical. I think she has been abusive. I’ve been on the end of verbal abuse with someone screaming and searing at me, it’s frightening and can affect your whole physical and mental state. Why didn’t she just say, please can you leave, I want my space back. If I moved in with a man and he started screaming to get the fuck out and throwing my stuff out of windows every time I did something that wasn’t up to his standards then everyone would be saying he is abusive, leave as soon as you can.

You are perhaps a touch obsessive BUT, this is a classic situation where I fall back on something my father said to me in the context of my brother and his, at the time, new wife: "If you can't be bothered to make an effort in the beginning when you're still madly in love and life is easy, how are you going to cope when things get tough."

This man is staying in your house as a GUEST and he's leaving wet towels on the floor? My 15 year old knows not to do that. If this is him on his BEST behaviour... god, I dread to tthink what he'd be like on his worst.

If this was a trial period and I would’ve thought he would’ve been on his best behaviour during this time, it doesn’t bode well for any future living together arrangements. It’s really difficult for someone to change their ways and it doesn’t sound like you are compatible at all and I think this will become more and more of an issue should you live together. I also like everything in its place but I’ve had to make some adjustments but why should you really? I would keep your own space and maybe try the relationship again without living together, but obviously that’s up to you whether you want to continue. I don’t think you had a fit, you made your rules clear and they certainly were not followed. The coffee jar move would’ve wound me up to and is very childish. It does show that he is not really taking your considerations seriously.

I don't think he is any more 😀

Would you leave it on the floor when a guest in someone else’s house? Let alone when they’ve already asked you not to?

This was him on his best behaviour as well

But they're kids and they're YOUR kids so if they haven't learned this is unacceptable behaviour as a guest in someone else's house then that's partly on you. I know it's an uphill struggle, mine still do this (at home, I bloody hope they don't in other people's houses), we have frequent conversations about 'would you do this in someone else's home and if you wouldn't then who is the servant you think should pick them up? And isn't that very disrespectful?'. They do pick them up sometimes, not all the time.

This is a grown adult man that I suspect OP has absolutely no interest in behaving as substitute parent for. It's disrespectful behaviour.

I suspect that OP is going to completely go off this man and not find him very attractive after this level of disrespect so that will be that in any case.

But she didn't batter him or do anything illegal or criminal! She chucked his stuff out of a window, shouted at him and told him to get out. OP is allowed to be angry in her own home. He also went "ape shit" at her and called her a psycho.

It is not how I would do it, but that is neither here nor there. OP is asking if there is any way back, not if she needs behaviour therapy!

It sounds like you aren't compatible to move in together. He needs to respect your house rules. But I think you over reacted too bit harsh throwing his things out the window!

She said he went apeshite, then she told him to fuck off out of her house. They were both at it. Not just the OP.

How many times have parents told their children “if you leave your things on the floor, they’ll go in the bin” and good parents follow through on that. The OP chucked his stuff. So what?

Then they both shouted at each other. It’s a fight. It happened. And it’s over. They’re no good together.

You are both badly mismatched in every way.

Neither of you are able to resolve disagreement. That is a relationship killer.

I think you have both had a lucky escape from each other. You'd make each other completely miserable.

Bloody well done for protecting your peace. Just block him.

I think you sound really neurotic and horrible to live with. The coffee jar move was funny. But anyway clearly neither of you should live with each other

This was before he was put on trial though !

Chucking his stuff out the window is extreme (though it did make me chuckle) but she was pushed into losing her temper. Yes, she lost her temper, so did he, that happens in relationships but that was the end point of days of him ignoring her polite requests. She didn't hit him. She removed the offending items which he'd left in a heap after explicitly having been requested to not do so in her home.

Hopefully OP's had the breakup talk by now.

I’m going against the grain here but I think you’ve lived on your own too long.
It doesn’t matter where the coffee pot sits.

You’ve got to blend together, he’s not got to start behaving like you. I’m surprised he wants back!

I ticked yanbu. ALthough I think it was a loud reaction you had, you admit this (calling it a hisst fit) and I agree he is disrespectful to you and your home. I agree with pps questioning why he is so desperate to move in. I would not have him move in.

And I just wanted to add that the reason would be incompatibility. Whether or not what he's doing would be seen as acceptible or not by others doesn't matter. It's not acceptible to you. When DH and I were dating, I inspected his home and observed how he treated mine. We are highly compatible and that matters a hell of a lot.

Ahahahahahha yessss lady!! You chucked all his stuff out the window 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 - in two minds here. On the one hand: you definitely do have a need to control your environment and you won't feel comfortable in your home if you can't. (That isn't the same as OCD, which people misuse a lot.) On the other hand, I got a taste of this a while back living with someone even worse than you (or the same, who knows??) and it was a living nightmare.

Because it takes away their control to live how they want.

You are clearly not at all compatible for living together... Yet. You had the right idea in taking it slow and getting used to each other's needs. Maybe go back to sleepovers. And suggest holding off moving in together until you see evidence of him adopting new habits in his own home. Like picking things up off the floor: that's objectively unacceptable of him. However: you can't/shouldn't dictate where a coffee jar is left. That's objectively too controlling. You will need to work on yourself too.

As a side note: what's his rush to move in? I'd be wary of that and also consider that actions speak louder than words. He had the chance to prove he would listen to you but then he didn't. And that's bad when you're a guest in someone's home!

What’s most unbelievable is how many folk here haven’t got a clue about OCD.

I only really signed in just to say the above, but this male needs binning. That was a fairly gentle hissy fit, since OP had been educating him from the start.
I absolutely love the stuff being thrown from the window, & for good measure would have hurled the coffee jar at him as he left too.

You are both unreasonable.

Or to put it another way: you are totally incompatible to live together.

Screaming at someone and throwing their possessions out of a window might be what alot of us fantasise about from time to time, but it really isn't an acceptable adult response to a situation like this. Those cheerleadering it should give it a bit more thought about what this actually would be like when it happens and the implications of a loss of control to this level.
It's clear you are not compatible to live together and that's an easy decision to make, but would you not be concerned that you reacted so extremely to what was basically a situation where you just needed to say this isn't working, please collect all your things and leave my house. Screaming at someone and throwing possessions out of windows isn't a reasonable way to act under these circumstances. Do you react like this regularly.