He just walked into my room like it was nothing

[Recharged1]

Didn't know where to post this so sorry if it doesn't fit, but it really bothered me and I just want to vent.

I stayed with a good friend last weekend. She is an amazing friend but maybe too trusting at times. Anyway, she said on Friday that another friend of hers would stay over that night and just crashing as he needed a place to stay and would be off again in the morning. I didn't like the idea initially because he is a stranger to me but he literally just arrived dinner time, we got on really well and went to bed at a reasonable enough hour.

Maybe 10 mins after I'd gone to bed he came to my room and quite clearly came on to me. Now we had gotten on well that evening but at no point had I been flirting with him at all (at least I don't think I did!). He didn't touch or corner me to be fair but it was still really unsettling and I felt really uneasy at night and pushed my bags against the door.

I told my friend the day after and she seemed confused and uncomfortable but it made me feel like she was trying to imply that I had misinterpreted what he had said.

The whole thing made me so uneasy. First of all his completely inappropriate behavior of coming into my room. Then the fact that he has a key to my friend's place where she lives on her own with her daughter. And her weird reaction which seemed like she was trying to brush it off. I get that they are friends but if a friend of mine had done this I'd be furious at least. He was gone the next day but apparently was back while we were out and she seemed happy that he had sorted some of her housework for her. I think it's been the most uncomfortable stay I have had in a long time!

'These are also all signs of a man grooming a single mother for access to her child.'

That's interesting @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

I admit I have only seen this in the context of single, childfree women who led very childfree lives (they didn't work with children or anything like that).

What are the other signs of grooming?

I reported my post because it was a reply for someone and it didn't tag 😩.

This man is a cheeky fucker and a chancer.

Your friend obviously doesn’t mind it but you do (and quite rightly so). Whilst his behaviour was inappropriate, he did leave when you said he made you uncomfortable. Unless you think he is a danger to her or her child, I would leave it be. You’ve told your friend what happened and it is up to her to manage her friendship going forward.

I would chalk it up to experience. People have different standards unfortunately.

When a CSA perpetrator grooms a parent (most often the mother), they aim to lower her defenses and build trust so that they can eventually gain unmonitored physical and emotional access to her child.

These are the potential signs that I see in the present situation-

1. The man's very brazen unboundaried behaviour towards OP 🚩
2. His familiarity, the fact that he treats friend's place as his own, walking into friend's room to get towels 🚩This is dominance behaviour 🚩
3. The fact that friend was grateful that he did some housework - HUGE HUGE red flag 🚩🚩🚩. CSA perpetrators often become a "support system" to single mothers, they offer favors (eg home repairs, house work, house sitting) that relieve parental stress. The mother becomes grateful to him, somewhat in his debt.
4. Friend's defensiveness of him. He's already got her defending his behaviour from OP's very justifiable concerns 🚩
5. He's a "people manager", and good looking. CSA perpetrators often use high social standing, charm, professional credibility to lower people's defenses, or to make victims/observers second-guess their instincts (just as OP is doing now). Men like this can get away with a LOT.

Once trust from the mother and child have been gained, CSA perpetrators move onto eroding more boundaries

• physical affection with the kid (eg long hugs, tickling, roughhousing, entering private spaces eg bedrooms)
• normalising private communications with kid eg texting that is framed as banter/mentoring
• creating an us-against-them bubble with kid, including against th mother
• pushing for unmonitored one-on-one time
• fostering special bonds with kid eg with gifts, inside jokes
• gradually building a secondary relationship with kid that exists parallel to their relationship with the mother
• guilting the mother if she tries to reset boundaries
• guilting the child

Often these guys will loudly proclaim their loathing for CSA predators to deflect suspicion.

His behaviour, and her minimising of it, are each weird to potentially scary in their own right, but taken together is when it becomes sinister, feels unsafe. Do you think she set you up? Knew he wanted to try something on? I'd be worried for my own safety, worried for her, and very worried for her child. Given the highly publicised sedated rape trials of the past few years, I'd not be eating/drinking there, much less staying over. Sounds like she has zero ability to create or maintain safe boundaries. Something's not right; you don't know what; and unless/until you do: better to be safe.

Im utterly amazed at the attitudes.on this thread. More chancer than dangerous predator surely?

People have posted the stats.

Why are you "amazed"? These men walk among us.

I'm not saying be afraid of all men, but why take such flagrant risks as to trust this walking red flag?

ETA re my earlier post, you and we have no idea whether this man is 'apple juice' or 'piss'. Why would you take the risk?

I thought he was possibly homeless when you said he needed a place to stay.

I said she's a dumbass because she just dismissed the biggest red flag around, that he's an opportunistic sexual predator. You told her what happened, he came to your room expecting sex, and she blew it off. She has a young daughter and predatory men target women like her.

I would hope that someone would give me hell and set me straight if I was not keeping my kid safe.

It's not ok to be naive about predatory men when you have kids to protect. There are child rapists out there and this guy has no boundaries and he has open access to the home. He targeted you the first evening he met you.

He could be a predator as could any man. Im not sure he's a walking red flag though. He fancied his chances and with drew without touching the op when she told him.she wasnt interested. I think its a leap to suggest he's a predator /possible child groomer on those facts

Chancer? Fucking hell the bar continues to drop through the floor for men’s behaviour and the excuses women will make. He walked into a room knowing a woman was in bed and also having no idea nor caring if she wanted him there. That is predatory behaviour - not cheeky chappie larks. It’s 2026 - all good men know about enthusiastic consent and all shit men know boundaries can be pushed and women won’t be believed. Do not stick up for shit men

My view is he is just as likely to be a chancer as a predator. I didnt say he was a 'cheekie chappie'

Why would it be known unless she has been in an exact position to witness it?

You just seem to want to pivot away from a man’s behaviour to find a woman to point the finger at.

The language you use matters. What do you think the difference is between a chancer and a predator? A predator is someone who predates - what he did was predatory. A good man would not have done what he did, a good man would understand about social norms, consent and boundaries.

A chancer is someone giving you a wink not someone barging into your bedroom. I don’t understand why a woman would argue with other women that it’s nbd for a man to do what he did.

Wholeheartedly agree

My mind is genuinely boggling that people think this is in any way ok

I’m actually horrified by some of the responses here. I don’t know the bloke and what he is like. I didn’t like what happened at all, but I’m also shocked how quickly people are jumping at him being a potential child abuser and I now feel quite sorry about my friend who is being torn to shreds here.
She had mentioned him before, and her daughter seemed really comfortable around him and excited to see him. There was nothing that gave me any strange vibes about him until he walked into my room. As far a I know they have been friends for years, and I really don’t want jump straight to him abusing her daughter without any indication.
I know that these warnings come from a good place but I think it’s a bit much based on what happened.

Why are you protecting men, and not children? Children are desperately vulnerable. Men are not.

Let's have a look again at the statistics: 1 in 5 children suffer sexual abuse. 93% of the perpetrators are male. To be conservative, I'm going to assume that a small minority of sexual predators are prolific but the rest are opportunistic predators, so let's say on average a sexual predator has preyed on 2 victims. That's 1 in 10 men who are child sexual abusers.

And in fact, there are multiple anonymous self-report surveys supporting this. A recent Australian survey of 2000 men showed that 9.4% of men admitted to having engaged in sexual behavior or interactions with a minor (under age 18). And 7% of all men indicated they would act on sexual feelings toward a child if there were no legal consequences or chance of being caught.

The lesson from this and other studies is that only fear of social ruin and prison stops men from committing CSA - not internal moral or empathetic boundaries. This also partly explains why half of all victims of sexual assault are children: because children are easier to control and manipulate, the predator thinks he is more likely to get away with SA of a child than an adult.

So 1 in 10 men has committed CSA, and 1 in 14 would commit CSA if they could get away with it. That means in any given street, there's at least one child rapist. In any social gathering where there are 10 men, one is a predator of children.

CSA causes PTSD, destroys self-esteem, plunges the victim into decades of psychological suffering, depression, numbness, sucidal ideation. CSA victims are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than people who did not experience CSA. They are 3.5 times more likely to suffer intimate partner violence in adulthood, 2.5 times more likely to to experience drop out of high school or uni, 3 times more likely to experience severe financial stress, and 50% more likely to divorce. These poor children, these poor people, were cut down before they could start living, because men wanted to use them for sex.

Going to PP's metaphor of not being able to tell the difference between a glass of apple juice and a glass of piss, the risk of drinking a glass of piss is 1 in 10, and the ones who have to drink that glass of piss are the kids. With horrific lifelong consequences.

So I find your protectiveness over men pretty disgusting.

So did he open the door without knocking and walk in, or was the door already open with the light on?

What did he actually say?

You say your room, but he's got a key so may feel a bit more at home than you. Is he seeing your friend?

Can't really comment without all the details

I'm not sure all the warnings are coming from a good place...

Agree OP. He definitely crossed a line and should have known better but some posters are being ridiculous and tbh hysterical, claiming he must be a child abuser and some even telling you to report it to social services, as if they'd be interested! I can see why you're shaken up, he shouldn't have gone into your private space, that was wring, but he did take no for an answer. I have no idea why so many posters here are painting him as a child abuser.

Absolutely. I now find myself defending the person I had come here to complain about because some of the accusations are shocking. What a horrible thing to accuse someone of

1 in 5 children are sexually abused, OP. Surveys show that 1 in 10 men have had and would have sex with children if they could get away with it.

This is not me making things up out of some vendetta against men, these facts are all from the FBI, the ONS, Eurostat. These facts ask that we as women exercise caution with men being around children. It doesn't mean you have to go charging in accusing him of being a potential predator - that wouldn't be effective anyway, given that she is already defensive of him - it means you need to open your eyes and start watching.

You don't know who this man is. What you DO know is that he behaved in a sexually inappropriate and curiously brazen way towards you. And I and others have also noted other warning signs.

Would you rather defend him, a grown man, because it's a heinous accusation? Or would you rather consider the possibility and help protect a child?

1 in 5 children experience child sexual assault at the hands of adult men.

OP I can see why you are a bit miffed.

I think what this man did is highly inappropriate, but trying to get you to agree you think this man is a predatory child abuser is a bit off topic.

The point is you are uncomfortable with his behaviour and have every right to want to not be around him.

Are you still at this friend's house tonight?

Oh for god’s sake he is a predatory man which we know because of his behaviour towards you op. Posters are quite rightly pointing out your friend as a single mum is vulnerable to predation and her child is even more vulnerable as she is a child. Predatory men deliberately target women like your friend. An unrelated man in the house is the most dangerous person to a child. This is just how it is - I get you don’t want to think about it but at the end of the day this dickhead came and waved his red flags right in your face, which you have quite rightly picked up on. It is up to you what you do about it, I’d put the safety of a child over the feelings of a rapey weirdo personally.

I believe you are the one who asked me for the signs of CSA abusers grooming single mothers.

I don't understand the defensiveness for this man. Yes, it's a ghastly notion that he could be preying on the friend's child but sadly it's statistically a significant possibility.

Don't we want to protect the kids? There are SO many of them who are suffering, and yet we women would rather defend the men.

Do you know who actually doesn't - on the whole - defend men when it comes to CSA or the possibility of CSA? It's OTHER MEN. The 9 out of 10. They know very well what their sex is capable of, and they despise CSA predators. In prison - as Andrew Tate is finding out - sexual abusers of children are considered the lowest of the low by other male prisoners and they have to be kept in solitary confinement, otherwise they will be killed.

We women should wake up.