He just walked into my room like it was nothing

[Recharged1]

Didn't know where to post this so sorry if it doesn't fit, but it really bothered me and I just want to vent.

I stayed with a good friend last weekend. She is an amazing friend but maybe too trusting at times. Anyway, she said on Friday that another friend of hers would stay over that night and just crashing as he needed a place to stay and would be off again in the morning. I didn't like the idea initially because he is a stranger to me but he literally just arrived dinner time, we got on really well and went to bed at a reasonable enough hour.

Maybe 10 mins after I'd gone to bed he came to my room and quite clearly came on to me. Now we had gotten on well that evening but at no point had I been flirting with him at all (at least I don't think I did!). He didn't touch or corner me to be fair but it was still really unsettling and I felt really uneasy at night and pushed my bags against the door.

I told my friend the day after and she seemed confused and uncomfortable but it made me feel like she was trying to imply that I had misinterpreted what he had said.

The whole thing made me so uneasy. First of all his completely inappropriate behavior of coming into my room. Then the fact that he has a key to my friend's place where she lives on her own with her daughter. And her weird reaction which seemed like she was trying to brush it off. I get that they are friends but if a friend of mine had done this I'd be furious at least. He was gone the next day but apparently was back while we were out and she seemed happy that he had sorted some of her housework for her. I think it's been the most uncomfortable stay I have had in a long time!

You wouldn’t expect to need any of those at your friends house though

Agreed.

Also, I've just taken in your username - excellent choice, from an etymological point of view.

Just to add that I'm 66 - since a previous poster has described herself as 'a relic' - and I can't think of many women in my age group who would think that the male visitor's behaviour was excusable.

Why have you assumed she does not know him well? There is nothing to suggest he is an issue for the friend / her daughter.

He isn’t homeless. He moved house and wanted to stay over to avoid too much driving in a day I think.

I also don’t think that she is an idiot or that she takes her child’s safety lightly. I can see why you’d think this from my posts but she loves her child dearly.

I can't believe the number of people trying to convince you that this was in any way okay. It is absolutely not okay.
Why does he need a place to stay in the first place?
I wouldn't stay over at that friends ever again

Do you have a low I.Q?

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

I have met a couple of men like this in my time and a couple things jump out at me as trends.

1. the over-familiarity
2. the fact they are quite easy to get on with, one might even say charismatic
3. their ever-presence (often with very little notice) at a single female 'friend's' house.
4. their keeness to make themselves useful to said single female 'friend'.
5. lack of boundaries with said single female friends, female friends.

For the final point I don't mean the fact that he came into your bedroom when you had already gone to bed, I mean the fact he propositioned you when a. he had only just met you b. knew you were good friends with a mutual friends c. you were in her house! Even if you were up for it, how awkward would that have been over coffee?! How old are you all btw?

IME these men aren't necessarily predatory in a way that means you have to sleep with one eye open, but they do leave a wake of messy emotional entanglements and situationships in their wake. They are very entitled though and seemingly oblivious to the fact that women around them have thoughts and feelings.

Because if she knew him well, I'd assumed his complete disregard for boundaries would have become apparent before now!!

I find it difficult to believe she both know him well AND he's successfully kept his dodgy tendencies hidden.

@GingerdeadMan but the friend doesn't think that this man going into her house and doing some housework when she isn't there is dodgy boundaries. In fact OP suggested she was pleased about it, for reasons that are slightly unclear.

Her own boundaries with this man are different from the OP's. Again, it is unclear why she is ok with what many of us would consider over-familiarity but that is where the friction is.

OP, how long has she known this man, do you know? Has she mentioned him before?

How do I sound naive? I have many male friends who I have chatted to from my room. Maybe you just don’t know what it’s like to have normal male friends.

Anyway OP clarified that he sat on her bed which makes it weird imo.

The scary thing about entitled men is often how badly they react to being told no.

Luckily in this case, he didn't get nasty.

That's by far from always the case. These 'charmers' often turn out to be anything but if they're not getting what they want.

And the point is, to use a lovely analogy I heard recently, is its like apple juice and piss. They look the same. You can't know which is which just by looking. You can't know which man is ok until after the fact.

Stomping on normal boundaries is a big sign you are dealing with one of the 'not ok' ones.

'The scary thing about entitled men is often how badly they react to being told no.'

Yes, this is a very important point, and a reason I have personally stamped out the presence of a couple of these men in my life over the years. And why I am pleased the OP's creep alarms are going off and she didn't get hurt.

I don't think the OP has to control how her presumably adult friend deals with this friend. But she can make clear she wants nothing to do with him.

He didn't ask her on a date though did he?

He asked her to have sex then and there.

'How do I sound naive?

With everything you post! If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? You sound like a young teen.

Im not sure how a 'chatting to your 'normal male friends' while in bed' scenario would even arise.

Its not normal for adults to invite members of the opposite sex that they aren't interested in shagging into their sleeping area.

Unless you mean you were on a mixed camping trip or something? But even then its a bit odd, and the kind of thing that could lead to awkwardness and crossed wires.

Being in bed is vulnerable and normally an intimate time and space. You're usually undressed/ wearing very little, lying down and away from other people. Its like being naked - you usually save it for your nearest and dearest!

I would be very surprised if these 'normal male friends' of yours weren't sniffing around - or thought you were coming on to them.

Anyway, back to the OP, this man was not even a friend of the OP, he was a friend of a friend, ie pretty much a stranger.

Chatting to any virtual stranger while in bed is weirdly over intimate.

Even worse. Point is some posters seem to think it’s nothing to get upset or annoyed about. I would have felt the same way as OP.

That’s not the norm though. I’ve had male friends over the years and me in bed is not a place I’d be having a chat with them. We’d have had our chatting in the main part of the house, me being in bed would signify that social time was over. As a pp said, are you young? When I was younger we’d all pile onto or even in a bed for the laughs, no funny stuff just good old fashioned silly high jinks with about ten of us, fully clothed. As a mature woman absolutely not.

He walked into her room in the night when she was in bed, sat on the bed, and then proposed sex…that might sound respectful to you, but that’s controlling and intimidating to me. She wasn’t in a nightclub, she wasn’t at a singles event, there weren’t people around to ensure safety…it was a man who encroached upon her space to initiate sex from a completely platonic situation.

Im all for people still going out and shooting their shot, but a man should realise that the scenario he is putting people in before he shoots it.

I would argue he wasn't coming at this from a platonic situation at all. They weren't friends. He was a random bloke who had turned up at her friend's house that evening. They got on. Great. But they weren't friends.

I'd be furious if any man felt entitled to barge into my bedroom on the off chance that I might fancy a bit of rumpy pumpy, let alone one that I barely knew and wasn't interested in. However if you want to be a Slack Alice go right ahead - just don't assume that everyone else feels the same.

Ooooh you sound really upset but i like you. The comments are relentless the friend of OP sounds like abit off and nonchalant

Yeah I was giving him a teeny bit of the benefit of the doubt on that one. At best it was platonic, but it absolutely was not anything romantic or sexual, and he overstepped.

I think it’s a thing that lots of men don’t understand, they have a presence and can instil fear even in a situation that wouldn’t ordinarily be a scary situation, because they don’t ever get out in those situations themselves and forget to consider how it impacts others. It’s so important that we drill into our young men that they need to consider things outside of their world view…otherwise we just end up with even more situations like this. They need to use their brains but unfortunately lots of them don’t seem able to do this.

1. the over-familiarity
2. the fact they are quite easy to get on with, one might even say charismatic
3. their ever-presence (often with very little notice) at a single female 'friend's' house.
4. their keeness to make themselves useful to said single female 'friend'.
5. lack of boundaries with said single female friends, female friends.

These are also all signs of a man grooming a single mother for access to her child.

There are some extremely ignorant people on this thread. Let's talk about child sexual assault. It is an unrelenting PLAGUE. The numbers are STAGGERING.

-1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys in the US experience child sexual abuse.
-1 in 5 children in Europe experience child sexual abuse.
-1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys in the UK experience child sexual abuse.

I invite you now to look at Figure 1 in the following report from the FBI in 2000.

https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/saycrle.pdf

The findings have been recapitulated in all updates of this report. The UK authorities report similar findings.

-51% of all REPORTED* sexual assaults are committed on people under the age of 20.
-There are 2 peaks of reported SA per 1000 victims (child and adult): one at 14 years of age, and one at 4 (FOUR) years of age.
-14% (1 in 7) of all SA victims are 0-5 yo children.
-Another 20% (1 in 5) of all SA victims are 6 to 11 years old.
-So a third of all SA victims are 11 years and younger. ONE THIRD.
-Of the SAs on the 0-5 yo children, 4% involved forcible rape, 24% involved forcible sodomy, 27% involved SA with an object.
-Figure 2 shows that 4 yo are by far the most at risk of forcible sodomy of all ages.

*Rape is hugely underreported: it is estimated that 3/4 of all rapes are not reported.

Child sexual abuse is enormously, horrifically common. 90-96% of all perpetrators are male. To protect the most vulnerable members in our society - the children - we ALL need to be aware of this.

The most common scenario in CSA is abuse committed by an adult male who is known, liked, and trusted by both the child and the family, occurring within a residential home.

The victim knows the perpetrator in 93% of all cases. The most common CSA perpetrators are

-the biological fathers = 15-25%
-other family/household members (including bf/sf) = 15-25%
-family friends = 30-40%

And why are family friends responsible for at least a third of CSAs? Because they have advantages that other offenders don't: although parents actively teach children to be wary of strangers, they willingly introduce family friends into the home, which instructs the child to trust them. These abusers are also often unwittingly given unsupervised access to children eg during sleepovers.

And finally, single mothers are deliberately and disproportionately targeted by CSA perpetrators.

The fact that this man violated conventions and boundaries in the manner he did with OP means he does not respect the boundaries of others who are weaker than him when it comes to his sexual wants. This makes him a serious risk to the child of OP's friend.

And given that OP's friend tried to dismiss what happened to OP, I wonder if she would believe her child if her child tried to approach her about this man assaulting her.

Waah poor men don’t understand it’s not ok to barge into someone’s room who they don’t know, sit on their bed and ask them to have sex - what are we doing as women to educate younger men? Fuck this shit. This adult man who I assume does not have learning difficulties knows full well you don’t do what he did and yet he did it. He shows he gives no shits about common etiquette, other people’s personal boundaries, or what op wants or doesn’t want. I’m sure he would be flattered if a 7 foot bodybuilding gay man came and did the exact same thing to him.

He is clearly a predator and the friend and her daughter are at risk. Naivety about men in this day and age puts you and your dc at risk.