He just walked into my room like it was nothing

[Recharged1]

Didn't know where to post this so sorry if it doesn't fit, but it really bothered me and I just want to vent.

I stayed with a good friend last weekend. She is an amazing friend but maybe too trusting at times. Anyway, she said on Friday that another friend of hers would stay over that night and just crashing as he needed a place to stay and would be off again in the morning. I didn't like the idea initially because he is a stranger to me but he literally just arrived dinner time, we got on really well and went to bed at a reasonable enough hour.

Maybe 10 mins after I'd gone to bed he came to my room and quite clearly came on to me. Now we had gotten on well that evening but at no point had I been flirting with him at all (at least I don't think I did!). He didn't touch or corner me to be fair but it was still really unsettling and I felt really uneasy at night and pushed my bags against the door.

I told my friend the day after and she seemed confused and uncomfortable but it made me feel like she was trying to imply that I had misinterpreted what he had said.

The whole thing made me so uneasy. First of all his completely inappropriate behavior of coming into my room. Then the fact that he has a key to my friend's place where she lives on her own with her daughter. And her weird reaction which seemed like she was trying to brush it off. I get that they are friends but if a friend of mine had done this I'd be furious at least. He was gone the next day but apparently was back while we were out and she seemed happy that he had sorted some of her housework for her. I think it's been the most uncomfortable stay I have had in a long time!

Fine. Some people might not have minded this but I did. It’s something that would never occur to me to do to someone.
Same for just walking into my friend’s bedroom to get towels. If I was to do that I’d at least ask permission or tell them. But that’s just me because I wouldn’t like someone going into my bedroom at home.

He has a key to her place because he used to live very close and mind her place when she would go on holiday etc.
Anyway it’s ok. I just wanted to vent because I found it really uncomfortable.

The door jammer idea is a great one.and I think I’ll get one. Thanks!

It's NOT okay.
You are right to feel VERY uncomfortable with what happened.

Let's imagine if he were not male and instead it was a female friend of your friend, it would still not be normal to just walk into your room when you have gone to bed even if she was just coming into the room to chat/collect something etc. That was your room for the night. Even the hostess would have to knock and ask to come in before going into the room. That was your room.
But he was male and came into your room to come onto you! I would have been scared.

Your friend's reaction is NOT okay.
I would pull back from the friendship very sharpish. Honestly.
I could never feel safe with her.

Can you give more detail about his behaviour/actions, and your response?

I had similar except it was a partner of a friend who I hadn’t met before - staying at mine as they lived far away.

He was sleep walking and came into my room, it was scary! My partner was out.

that’s even without the coming on to you bit.

I would have gone and told my friend there and then, made a right fuss.

that is what I did in my case, as he also did something else while in my room that was disturbing.

she was trying to imply that I had misinterpreted what he had said.

Wtf???
I would be furious...

She basically sprung it on you, removing your choice, then pressured you into going along with something you werent comfortable with

Great that he didnt rape you but 2 more beers and maybe it could have been different.

Her dismissal of you would make me really cross and I would be cooling the friendship radically / ending it.

It's really not okay.

He came in asking if I was still awake, sat down at the end of the bed and asked if I wanted to spend some time with him. He didn’t touch me at any point so I can’t fault him for that.
I wasn’t sure what exactly he meant and asked and that’s when he edged closer and said that we could just spend the night together and I told him no and that he had to leave because he was making me uncomfortable. He simply said ok and left. Didn’t seem angry or argued.
He’s quite good looking so I assume that this bullshit has worked for him before.
I don’t think that he’s a predator as some people here suggested but definitely a cheeky fucker who was chancing it.

This is why I am not at all into staying over, sleepovers or shared accommodation. I did it a few times as a young woman but looking back now I wonder what I was thinking, particularly in house parties where there are friends of friends etc. Most people don’t have internal door locks so it’s expecting a closed door and some mild social etiquette to protect us from unknown men when we are in our most vulnerable state, asleep. Hotels aren’t perfect (I had a member of staff barge into my room at night once, thankfully I had the chain on) but I would always pick a hotel over an invitation to stay over.

What did he do when you made it clear you weren't interested?

Eh? I checked and it was about 2 people out of 20, any reason you’re focusing on those?!

Mumsnet is always going to have some nutty different views to yours but I’d say yours is one of the posts I’ve read where agreement is pretty much in your favour!! (Including mine)

that’s why I’m baffled by this update!

(door lock very good idea though you shouldn’t need it at all good friend’s house)

It really pisses me off that most hotels don’t have chains these days. I never get a good night sleep when they don’t have one.

Yes. How do you not know this?

This scenario happened to me and is how I lost my virginity. I was up for it though. You weren’t, and he left. You’re probably right that this approach has worked for him before.

When I was in my 20s and and a bunch of us were young and looking to couple up, I didn't see this behaviour ‘creepy’, it was just part of looking for what we wanted.

If this happened now I am middle aged, I would be much more unsettled.

I am surprised that no one has picked up that your friend is a single parent with a daughter!!!

This man has red flags waving all over the place! The man has no boundaries thinks it’s acceptable to wandering into a woman he doesn’t know bedroom and sit on her bed without invite!!

I genuinely can’t believe some PPs can’t see what is wrong with that!

Id be worried about your friend and especially her daughter. I’m no pearl clutcher but this is a very concerning incident.

How old is the daughter?

@Recharged1 , could you be adjusting your genuine thoughts and feelings about what happened because of the responses on here?
If you thought he was just a cheeky fucker chancing it and that he was okay with the rejection, why pile your bags against the door?
He is a predator.
He did not knock on your door and wait to be asked in.
He did not get your permission to come in to your room.
He did not get your permission to sit on your bed.
He did not get any indication from you that you wanted sex from him.
He did not get any indication from you that you were okay with him coming into your personal space and being approached to spend time together.
He is a predator.
A cheekyfucker that invades someones privacy and comes onto them is a predator.
He did not know you for crying out loud.

Oh Lord! Knocking the door and asking is probably even creepier!!

He’s a chancer … but he shouldn’t have gone into your room without asking or sit on your bed. Like you say this approach has prob worked before … how old are you all?

None of this makes him a paedo!

Sorry it was meant to say would for the second one I don’t know where the n came from.

Would! That’s would for the second one

Then yeah that’s really fucking weird of him

This is bringing back horrible memories of a similar situation where I was assaulted. This is more than being a “chancer”, trying his luck that women will be up for it. Many women go into fight or flight mode and freeze in fear, hoping that if they say or do nothing a predator will leave or hurt them less than if they reject unwanted advances.

Protect this woman’s daughter (if a child/vulnerable) and flag this situation with relevant services. There is a safeguarding risk and her mother is being woefully inadequate.

He came in asking if I was still awake

Did he knock or call before coming in? This is the key bit for me. Going into anyone's room without knocking is abysmally rude and creepy. If he knocked - or if the door was open and he saw you were decent - it's a non-issue.

sat down at the end of the bed and asked if I wanted to spend some time with him. He didn’t touch me at any point so I can’t fault him for that.
I wasn’t sure what exactly he meant and asked and that’s when he edged closer and said that we could just spend the night together and I told him no and that he had to leave because he was making me uncomfortable. He simply said ok and left. Didn’t seem angry or argued.

All this is exactly how this sort of interaction should go. Really not sure what's so offensive about someone being interested in having sex with you. Haven't we all done it, and haven't we all enjoyed receiving that interest when it's mutual? In this case it wasn't mutual and that's also fine. He came on to you respectfully, he took the rejection respectfully - there's nothing wrong with how any of this played out.

In similar situations I've been up for it and have appreciated the man making his move. In your situation, if I wasn't up for it I'd have been amused more than threatened and I don't think blockading the door would have crossed my mind.

As for going into your friend's room to get towels, that's not only a total non-issue - anyone I trust enough to shower at my house is free to go into my room to get towels, why would I care? - but it's also not your business, because it's not your room and not your towels. If your friend is OK with that who are you to say she shouldn't be?

This happened to me - very different circumstances but similar. I was in bed and this guy who I had been chatting to (no flirting involved) came into my room, woke me up and asked if I wanted company. Can't remember his exact words. It was so creepy and predatory. He left the room when I immediately refused but I couldn't believe the nerve of him approaching me when there were zero signals that I was interested in him. What a twat!

I couldn't lock the my bedroom door so felt extremely vulnerable.

This man didn't knock, he just walked into the bedroom? Then sat on the end of the bed and propositioned you?! My feeling is that he's definitely used this tactic before, and it's worked.

His behaviour of walking into your room, rather than knocking, reeks of entitlement. He may very well be comfortable in your friend's home, but that doesn't give him the right to walk into the room you were staying in. Your friend might not mind him walking into her room, but that doesn't mean you do!!

I'd say that perhaps there has been a brief sexual relationship between him and your friend. That might be why he walks into her room unannounced, because there's nothing of her, he hasn't seen before. Your friend might be holding out for a relationship with him.

Your friend clearly wants to keep this man around, which is why she's minimising his behaviour towards you and blaming you. If she supported you, she'd then have to face up to the fact, that he doesn't want a relationship and/or sex with her (again?) and end her friendship with him. It's far easier for her to blame you, rather than him.

I'd be questioning your future friendship with your friend, in all honesty.

Can’t believe some people are minimizing this. When you are sleeping somewhere the bedroom needs to be a space you feel safe in as others won’t violate that space. You need to know others won’t, or you can’t feel safe. Because you are unconscious and can’t defend yourself so you need to trust thise around you. He showed you that he would violate that bedroom safe space and that he wanted sex with you. You didn’t feel safe and tried to barricade the door because of that.

Appalling, and frankly weird, behaviour from him.

And he was coming in through her only exit. And she may have been in night clothes.

He sounds at best oblivious to normal social boundaries and at worst a dangerous predator.