He just walked into my room like it was nothing

[Recharged1]

Didn't know where to post this so sorry if it doesn't fit, but it really bothered me and I just want to vent.

I stayed with a good friend last weekend. She is an amazing friend but maybe too trusting at times. Anyway, she said on Friday that another friend of hers would stay over that night and just crashing as he needed a place to stay and would be off again in the morning. I didn't like the idea initially because he is a stranger to me but he literally just arrived dinner time, we got on really well and went to bed at a reasonable enough hour.

Maybe 10 mins after I'd gone to bed he came to my room and quite clearly came on to me. Now we had gotten on well that evening but at no point had I been flirting with him at all (at least I don't think I did!). He didn't touch or corner me to be fair but it was still really unsettling and I felt really uneasy at night and pushed my bags against the door.

I told my friend the day after and she seemed confused and uncomfortable but it made me feel like she was trying to imply that I had misinterpreted what he had said.

The whole thing made me so uneasy. First of all his completely inappropriate behavior of coming into my room. Then the fact that he has a key to my friend's place where she lives on her own with her daughter. And her weird reaction which seemed like she was trying to brush it off. I get that they are friends but if a friend of mine had done this I'd be furious at least. He was gone the next day but apparently was back while we were out and she seemed happy that he had sorted some of her housework for her. I think it's been the most uncomfortable stay I have had in a long time!

In your shoes, I might think about doing a Sarah's Law check, for peace of mind.

I would assume your friend is minimising it because she doesn't want to face it .
They most probably have a fwb type relationship and she is hoping to be with him properly..so is upset he came on to you and doesn't want to face it

I would be concerned about her DD. This kind of trampling over boundaries is a huge red flag. I'm really sorry you experienced this and felt unsafe and were then totally unsupported by your friend.

YANBU. Not OK. I’d be shocked and concerned if someone staying in my home did this to another guest. Your friend’s lack of concern is very odd.

Did he knock, OP? I don’t even enter my kids’ rooms without knocking and asking if I can come in. Likewise, with a guest staying at my home. I’d never simply walk in.

How long has your friend known this man? Before or after she had her daughter? I’d certainly speak to her again about your concerns and the need to set firm boundaries, in order to be safe and to keep her daughter safe. If he’s done this, he clearly doesn’t respect boundaries or women’s need to feel safe. I’d be advising her to tell him it’s unacceptable, change her lock barrel and (if she has him to stay again) sleep in the same room as her daughter.

I have very close friends who are men, who I’ve known for decades. They’re effectively family. But (in the same way as my close women friends) they’d never dream of entering my bedroom to get something without asking me first, even if staying with me for an extended period - and even if I’d previously said to help themselves. And they certainly wouldn’t enter a woman’s room uninvited, even if she’d made it very clear she was interested.

Huge red flags.

He overstepped massively and put OP in a vulnerable position. The friend should see this and view the man in a different light. She should also be more supportive of OP who had an experience that made her very uncomfortable. I would have felt similarly to her.

Exactly. I don’t enter my children’s rooms without knocking or anyone else’s including close friends or family. It would only be romantic partners that I wouldn’t. Massive red flags.

Though neither does it rule it out.

It’s quite common for child sex offenders to groom lone mothers (as friends or lovers) in order to be trusted around their child/ren.

Sex offenders, like all groomers and abusers, test boundaries. If they go unchallenged, they’ll clearly be emboldened.

Oh my god, I will not report my friend to social services because a man walked into my room. If I had seen any dodgy behaviour towards her daughter I definitely would.

I will say it to her though regarding her DD just to be on the safe side.
I’m quite annoyed about the whole situation so still thinking about how I’ll raise it.

Anyone who wouldn’t have minded are either lying or just too grateful for a man’s attention. He was a virtual stranger acting on his own unregulated impulses, not from an explicit invitation from you. I’d be furious with him but also very upset with my friend’s reaction. I wouldn’t go to her house again.

If he knocked, and went when you asked him to, then I wouldn’t be too concerned. When else was he to ask you if you wanted to continue things if your friend was around?

Presumably your friend is on very familiar terms with him if they’ve known each other for years. I wouldn’t read much into that either.

Obviously if you felt threatened then it’s not ok, but on the face of it I think you may be over reacting.

This is not ok @Recharged1

I’m old and pretty tough but this would have freaked me too

He could have told the friend after the visit that he liked OP and gauged if it would be appropriate to contact her. Going to someone’s bedroom, uninvited, and in someone else’s house is not on!

@Recharged1 Any idea why he needed to stay there that night?

Might your friend have been setting you up with this man? That it was her intention to put the two of you together as she thought you'd get on?

For Gods Sake what has happened to so many women on this thread, that find the OPs scenario ‘scary’ , feel the situation had her ‘cornered’ and made her ‘vulnerable’ ?
I see a man ASKING a woman if she’s interested in him, being told ‘no’ and that she found his approach uncomfortable and wanted him to leave… and did ! to be an absolutely bog standard way to start a relationship and have done so multiple times as a younger woman after enjoying the conversation earlier in the evening at a dinner party. I have equally rejected overtures where the interest in me has been misread - or that I was not free to start a new relationship.. and they have done exactly as this man has done. Made an advance, been told no.. and left .

The level of paranoia on here directed at your friends friend is off the scale. Far from an entire bunting of red flags, I see none. I see a man very comfortable in his friendship of your friend. A normal man who has spend considerable time looking after your friends place and a place he and she obviously feel comfortable being in.

Wheras OP and many posters sound like Victorian fainting violets utterly shocked by a man approaching them.. perhaps you should all sort out a family male guardian to prevent all these terrible men from even looking in your direction to save your ‘vulnerability’ .

As a 62yrs old and a relic of the woman’s movement, this level of drama and mistrust of men really saddens me.

Did he knock? It's kind of inappropriate either way to suggest sex in your friend's house but perhaps not so intrusive/scary/unsettling if he knocked vs just walking in.

At least read the OP's posts, why don't you?

So you're OK with a man entering your room uninvited and without knocking and sitting on your bed?

Fuck that noise.

"What has happened to so many women?" Over 70% of women in the UK have experienced sexual harassment and 25% have been victims of sexual assualt.

That pretty much sums up how I feel and said a couple of posts before yours. I’m also the same age as you. A pretty familiar scenario to me too, in my youth.

As long as he knocked!

The OP has not clarified whether he knocked it not.

She hasn't clarified as far as I can see.

I think you've answered your own question, OP: "He's a CF who was chancing it". He thought he'd try it on. You said no and he left.

For him it was worth a punt, and he didn't push it when it wasn't successful.

Oh course he shouldn't have, and you're not wrong to feel unsafe. Doubtless he wouldn't understand why, and your friend should explain why he shouldn't walk into women's rooms uninvited.

The friend obviously trusts him and feels very comfortable with him treating the place as if it's his own.

He knocked but came right in a few seconds later. It was pointless.
Anyway, I’m over it. I didn’t like it, others might not mind it.

She seemed unbothered because people often prefer to stay in denial than acknowledge that someone they know and like is not a good person.
it happens a lot, like when a popular (or famous ) person turns out to be an abuser etc, cognitive dissonance is one of the reasons why victims often stay silent