Would you tell parents about inappropriate searches during a sleepover?

[itwasyourshowallalong]

DC (11) had a friend over for a sleepover recently

I don’t want to divulge too much in case parents are on here, but something was searched for on the internet that shouldn’t have been (completely inappropriate for age)

DC has never searched for anything like that before, I keep a close eye - however, it could very easily have been one or both of them searching, so I cannot hand on heart say it was either child - it’s impossible to know

Guest child was also VERY sexually explicit, repeatedly, and had to be told to stop repeatedly (younger DC in the house)

Question now is whether to tell the parents/how?

DH doesn’t want me to say anything, but I feel that at the very least they should be aware (I would want to know if it was my child)

WWYD?

I was a teacher and twice came across children who made sexually explicit comments, and were more knowledgeable than would be expected at their age. Both turned out to have been sexually abused.

As the parents have already raised concerns with you about inappropriate internet searches then yes I'd tell them about this. Their openness makes it less likely (though not impossible) that they are hiding an abusive home situation. I'd ask a few more questions though before considering raising concerns with school/SS. Is this an immature 11yr old who might be trying to look big by saying shocking things? (I think you meant talking about getting private parts out not actually doing this?). Does this child often talk and behave in a sexualised way? What manner was this said in - casual as if this is normal (worrying), or showing off, or giddy/ getting over excited and silly at a new sleep over? Are there other aspects of this child's behaviour that suggest they're vulnerable (over eager to please / overly hostile, difficult relationships, bullying /) victimisation?)

We've come a long way in recent years with regard to us all recognising red flags for abuse and you're right to consider this. But it's easy to assume abuse when this could be an 11 yr old struggling with developing awareness of a new(ish) exciting taboo. If your answers to the above questions and gut feeling still leave you concerned then reporting is safer, but I'd start with the parents unless you have reservations about their parenting.

When you say they searched, do you know what they saw?

Depending on that, I might mention to the parents and apologise that you didn’t supervise or have parental controls in place. You could also mention about the inappropriate use of language, although did you not address it at the time? I presume you don’t mean actually getting his privates out? Just saying it?

It is normal for 11 yo to be curious. They know about sex but only what has been taught in school and then they try compare that to what friends say and what is in songs or on tv or the internet (depending on what they have been exposed to).

My son did a search when he was around 10. He got more than he bargained for including a pop up saying he now needed to pay $$$ or the feds would come for him! He was distraught. Luckily he came straight to me, so I could explain it was a scam and that a lot of what was on the internet wasn’t appropriate for him to look at. He promised not to do it again and I locked everything down just in case.

Back in my day, boys used to look at the underwear section in their mums catalogue or page 3 of the sun unless they had an older brother with a porn stash! We all used to look up rude words in the dictionary. The trouble is now, there is so much to be found on the internet, and it’s all so accessible. Looking up ‘nice boobs’ will get them way more than just page 3 images.

Do you hold this view about girls, as well?

Definitely school safeguarding. Hopefully they have a competent person in charge.

I am curious where the poster lives who thinks 11 yos don’t need to know about sex. As others have said it is taught in schools in England aged 9/10. Some girls start their periods at this age and it is hard to explain what that is all about without going into the biology. In my son’s school they had period products in the girls toilets. He knew about it because the girls told him. They are all much more open these days and it’s a good thing. I was embarrassed to buy period products for myself until well into my 20’s. My son will happily buy them for his girlfriend or send me screen shots of which ones to buy if she runs out.

Safeguarding is EVERYONES business
id be bringing it up with the parents and childrens school.
youve got to think who is exposing a 11 yr old to sexual things that you were not happy to be discussed in-front of your own children

Yes, you should tell them. Couching it in terms of you thinking they should be aware rather than sounding angry.

@Fancyabikky youve got to think who is exposing a 11 yr old to sexual things

From what I recall, virtually all boys will seek out this type of material by themselves...

Don’t bother - I tried to out of the interests of the 11yr old searching porn in front of my DD. The mum just doubled down on how it was clearly my DD and not her DS

Speak to the safeguarding officer. They won't share your details. Sexually abused children tend to develop attachment disorder which manifests as very overt sexual behaviour around adults. It's not normal at all and pretty sure the parents already know something's not right. If you speak to them and the school, if they are contacted by social service then they will know it's you who reported them. I would disclose to the school.

Did you ask your child about it? I would do that first to try to get the full context. And then yes, I would speak to the parents. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the guest child is being abused or anything of that nature - such content is disturbingly easy to come across in this day and age, and kids are information sponges.

This sounds really worrying, OP - but I would strongly advice against telling parents. Tell safeguarding at school, and yes, I would stop my child being friends with them.

I would strongly advice against talking to parents unless you want to hear its all YOUR child's fault (or even yours) or get threatened/ abused.

This is based on my personal experience.

Go to school. Let them deal with it.

Your husband is an idiot.
Of course you need to say something.
And why did they have internet access at a sleepover aged 11? Crazy!

Years ago I found that my daughter had searched inappropriate stuff when pretty young. I was devastated. I spoke to her and found a friend had told her to search. I spoke to the friends parent and they pretty much denied responsibility and blamed my daughter. Recently I mentioned this again to my now adult daughter. She said that the friend had told her that her older brother had encouraged her to search. Does make me wonder what was hapenning in the household. Moral of the story is that a lot of parents will refuse to consider that there child holds any responsibility.

What does that even mean?

Do you both live in a council estate? Because I have heard council people talking all kinds of random shit in front of their children, including swearing at them

So basically the term this child used: banging to make babies, is a well practiced thing for people to get on the council estate housing list

Is it? To me , he is still very much a child. Suspected ASD so probably not as mature as other 11 year old boys. I talk to him about his body, changes that will come etc etc I’ve just never felt the need to go into the mechanics of sex.

Just for context: I was a sexually abused child. By 11 I was displaying quite overly sexual behaviour.

to the other poster assuming I’m in England, I live in Scotland.

I agree. 11 year olds have learnt about sex at school, they all talk about it. If she’s 11 and at senior school ‘banging’ is very mild compared to the type of things my grandchildren know about. It’s very usual for children nowadays to know about gay sex and other sexual things too. I’d just tell the mum and leave it. I think if you went into a senior school you’d all be very shocked at the level of knowledge that we never had years ago. Music videos even are very sexual. It’s nonsense to suggest the school would be that outraged at the word banging and making g babies

As ever with any thread raising safeguarding concerns, there is a wealth of ignorant, unaware and ill-informed advice from people who are literally clueless about safeguarding and risk.

Please talk to the safeguarding lead at school, as many others have suggested, and do not discuss this with the parents.

If you're unsure about the best course of action @itwasyourshowallalong , please seek advice from the NSPCC and they will advise you to tell the school as a first step, unless they regard the concerns need to be reported directly to social care when you share the full details with them.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/our-services/nspcc-helpline/

Back in the early 80's a 12 year old girl in my year at school fell pregnant and had twins. 11year olds definitely need to know about sex and what is and isn't appropriate! Knowledge is power

Agree completely.

No, too awks to tell the parents.

I would tell the school. I have done, in similar circs, not a sleepover but an older primary age brother talking about certain horrors he'd seen on the internet to his younger brother and my son. I went straight to the school and gave the Head chapter and verse.

I don't think much came of it tbh .