Would you tell parents about inappropriate searches during a sleepover?

[itwasyourshowallalong]

DC (11) had a friend over for a sleepover recently

I don’t want to divulge too much in case parents are on here, but something was searched for on the internet that shouldn’t have been (completely inappropriate for age)

DC has never searched for anything like that before, I keep a close eye - however, it could very easily have been one or both of them searching, so I cannot hand on heart say it was either child - it’s impossible to know

Guest child was also VERY sexually explicit, repeatedly, and had to be told to stop repeatedly (younger DC in the house)

Question now is whether to tell the parents/how?

DH doesn’t want me to say anything, but I feel that at the very least they should be aware (I would want to know if it was my child)

WWYD?

You are quite forward to call the father a fool. You do not know him. Shame on you!

Also why state "younger DC in house" , the 11 years old are very young too!
Why no settings on what ever they were on and no supervision or was it the other child's phone.
Honestly I despair of the modern world sometimes, presumably it was porn or violence

It's advisable to raise this with their school as it's a potential safeguarding problem.

I don't think a child who is doing this needs consequences but a gentle conversation to find out what on earth is going on. I am not sure about approaching school but where I live, anyone can make a referral to the multi agency support hub. If they think it warrants further investigation, it will be and it is anonymous. They might have more info already, or yours might be the first or only piece in the puzzle. We can do it online.

I might not be keen for my child to go the the friend's house and would speak to my DC very gently about the issue. It rings some alarm bells for me.

I am very confused about the "tell the school" comments! What has the school to do with this? This is a personal matter and if you believe the child may suffer abuse at home should you not contact the proper authorities and that is not a school whether public or private...schools exist to educate children - not raise them!!!

Tell them! Absolutely

What???? Why are you people suggesting this horrible thing? The father should be disgusted at the lot of you. Shame!!!

I wouldn't tell the parents. It will give them a chance to make up some story. Straight to safeguarding at school first thing tomorrow.

You're very wrong. Schools are a proper authority to contact and this should be highlighted to them as they may have also reported concerns or be in contact with SWs and other agencies in relation to the child. Safeguarding is a massive function and role of the education sector and ALL employees that work within it.

It could well be interest peaked from sex Ed at school. My 11 year old recently found out (during sex ed) how sex works and how babies are made. He was horrified 😆

Too true. Sadly

Are you alright?

I agree. These are 11 year olds. It’s certainly totally inappropriate, but I think child safeguarding and suspecting sexual abuse are way off the mark. It would be a much bigger red flag in a younger child.

Because the school has a Designated Safeguarding lead whose job is exactly this. This information may well be something or nothing or it may well be a small part of an emerging picture about this child.

Of course - thank you for asking! I am simply curious that people commenting would point fingers at the possibility of a guilty father/husband without knowing the person at all. 🤔

I would inform school safeguarding lead rather than parents tbh

I stand corrected.

Agree, friend of dd told her some v explicit stuff when they were about 9. We told the parents but I wish I’d gone to the school instead.

Your broadband provider will have parental controls. You need to make sure safesearch is activated, it's not something you should just assume! It's really easy to do, and up to you as parents to make sure is done.

So the parents have previously told you they have concerns with what their Dd searched online? They just volunteered this out of the blue?

if that’s the case it should be easier to bring up, “I know told me your Dd searched for inappropriate content online and you were worried so I wanted to make you aware it happened again at the sleepover, not sure if it was either or both. Your Dd was also talking in a sexually explicit way in front of my younger DD”

I’d then also tell the school iv case it’s a warning sign for abuse

I actually wouldn't say anything to anyone. Aged 11, if it's a boy (sounds like it), this is forward/precocious braggadocio. Children egg each other on and they do stupid and inappropriate things in a group which, alone, they'd never dare. There's also no accounting for taste/manners: I've been around an effing and blinding 3yo before, absolutely took my breath away. He obviously gets it from the parents or whatever music they listen to at home, and they're the most educated, successful, charming, hospitable, philanthropic couple in the year group. To each their own.

That said, I have never wanted my children to be precocious in this way and I'd be giving the child and his/her family a wide berth. I wouldn't even be averse to slipping into conversation with the mum the next time a sleepover is suggested "oh gosh, we still haven't recovered from the search history on Luke's ipad after the last one, I think these boys aren't mature enough yet to handle any more sleepovers!". If she asks what I'm talking about, I'd tell her.

I don't think this has anything to do with school, and I'm not into reporting people without hard evidence.

I told my friend when her son used my son’s phone to search for women’s boobies and a few other things that got him/them onto pornhub. I didn’t blame her son, I said I’d found evidence on my son’s phone. That he may have seen it and I was so sorry it had happened and obviously we were checking parental settings etc. without a doubt I knew it was her son as he’d never ever looked at anything like that before or since (I checked his phone regularly). They were 11. His mum went ballistic at me, told me it couldn’t have been her son and he was never allowed to be near her son again. This was my son’s best friend, who would be round our house all the time, and was pretty much his only friend. He was devastated.

He turned into a right thug during the teenage years though and my son ended up glad he wasn’t still his friend.

Just be aware you should tell the parents, but they may well turn the blame on you.

No, that doesn’t sound age appropriate to me. I might expect them to look up something daft like ‘willies’ or something equally child-like but not be searching for people having sex.

OP, do you know what if anything they actually watched? Do you need to have a chat with your DC?

I work with children and vulnerable adults and I too think this is a chat that should be had with the school’s safeguarding lead.