Would you tell parents about inappropriate searches during a sleepover?

[itwasyourshowallalong]

DC (11) had a friend over for a sleepover recently

I don’t want to divulge too much in case parents are on here, but something was searched for on the internet that shouldn’t have been (completely inappropriate for age)

DC has never searched for anything like that before, I keep a close eye - however, it could very easily have been one or both of them searching, so I cannot hand on heart say it was either child - it’s impossible to know

Guest child was also VERY sexually explicit, repeatedly, and had to be told to stop repeatedly (younger DC in the house)

Question now is whether to tell the parents/how?

DH doesn’t want me to say anything, but I feel that at the very least they should be aware (I would want to know if it was my child)

WWYD?

Although explicit it sounds more like age appropriate sexual curiosity than sexualised behaviour. I would mention it to the other parent but not in an accusatory way as both children were looking.

Erm, yes….they are concerned

Can you be 100% sure it wasn't your child?

They don’t go anywhere else (not even to the other child’s house)

I know my kid, and if they are going to do something stupid it’ll be at home (believe me, there has been plenty)

I’m VERY aware that it’s not possible to say definitively which child it was, but given a very clean history I would be surprised if it was ALL on my DC

Although explicit it sounds more like age appropriate sexual curiosity than sexualised behaviour.

Erm….. no it doesn’t.

OP, you need to contact the school. They may well not be able to keep you anonymous but it’s better than the alternative

Of course I can’t be sure. I’d be surprised, but definitely not sure they didn’t do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

At age 11 they will have all have had sex education and do go through slang terms for sex. What is not appropriate is talking about it all in front of your younger children.

No

Complicated set up, but they are either at home or with extended family

If they meet up with friends it’s always outside of people’s homes - biking through the woods etc

Covid was horrendous for us with extremely vulnerable family members, and I’ve got pretty crippling depression, so until recently we have been really quite isolated - now that high school has started they have a bit more independence

I had a similar situation with my child’s friend - raised with school as a safeguarding concern, reported to social services, they said it’s a police matter, spent about 2 hours on the phone to police who said it’s a social services matter… nothing was done in the end. My child left the school not long after thankfully so the friendship ended. unsure if the school took things further but from my experience, SS and the police were reluctant to do anything unless there had been prior reports/incidents, I would still report for your own peace of mind

The inappropriate language was around people “banging” to make babies, getting private parts out, wanting to have sex….not what I’m used to AT ALL, especially with younger DC around

It's inappropriate that they were saying these things within your earshot, as most kids would obviously be well aware that these aren't things you say in front of adults. However, an 11-year-old is either at puberty or pretty close to it, so it's pretty normal for them to talk about that sort of thing amongst themselves at that age.

Thanks for your view. I won’t be expanding on this

Well your children aren't recluses - they go to school and go out with friends. So they definitely could have seen all sorts (my daughter had a LOT of questions after a walk to school with a friend who had an unlocked phone!)

An 11 year old using this kind of language is a huge red flag. I'd speak to the safeguarding lead at the school for advice and to make them aware. And also have a conversation with the mum.

It's good of you to be wondering what to do for the best. I'd also be questioning what's going on at home, even simply that he hasn't learned not to talk that way around younger children, friends' parents etc.

I second the suggestion of anonymously telling the school. Doesn't matter if dh doesn't want you to. This could be important.

Keep an eye on him if you can.

Many years ago my wife discovered that someone had used her laptop to search for 'sex boobs' and she accused me (although I protested that if I was searching for dirty stuff, I might be a little more specific in my searches). Unsurprisingly, it turned out to be our 8 Yr old son. But before the culprit was discovered, my 10 yr old daughter, upset by overhearing the row, came up to me in private and told me that it was possible to clear the search history from the computer🤣🤣🤣. The next time I logged onto the family desktop (showing how long ago this was, in the days of dial-up), the search history had been wiped.

She's always had my back...

Yes talk to the parents and possibly the school DSL. Unfortunately this could be a safeguarding issue, so you need to pass in on to the appropriate person to deal with. Out might be something and nothing but equally it could be the tip of the iceberg.
You also don't allow the child over again!