Would you tell parents about inappropriate searches during a sleepover?

[itwasyourshowallalong]

DC (11) had a friend over for a sleepover recently

I don’t want to divulge too much in case parents are on here, but something was searched for on the internet that shouldn’t have been (completely inappropriate for age)

DC has never searched for anything like that before, I keep a close eye - however, it could very easily have been one or both of them searching, so I cannot hand on heart say it was either child - it’s impossible to know

Guest child was also VERY sexually explicit, repeatedly, and had to be told to stop repeatedly (younger DC in the house)

Question now is whether to tell the parents/how?

DH doesn’t want me to say anything, but I feel that at the very least they should be aware (I would want to know if it was my child)

WWYD?

So you decided to speak to the parents then?

The parents have said that they found similar on the guest child’s own search history and there were severe consequences

Or are you saying that separate to this incident the parents have told you the child has been searching this kind of stuff?

@itwasyourshowallalong could you not put parental controls in on your browser/ search engines?

Sorry, I should have been clearer - the conversation around the inappropriate search history pre-dates the sleepover

Which is partly why I’m pissed off that DH gave access to the child in question

I was under the impression that these WERE in place

Obv I’m going to revisit this but I thought we had done everything we could, with regular checks as a safety net

Just to put it in context, I was around that age (year 6) when a boy at school (and this was in the 70's) showed us all his brother's pornography magazines. I think children of that age do talk about sex or at least they did when I was that age and I was a fairly sheltered child. We just wouldn't have mentioned it in front of our parents and I never told them about this.

Of course be concerned about it and even report but from memory you'll have kids who are quite advanced in that area and some very innocent children at that age.

I don't think social services would be that worried about an 11 year old searching 'banging to make babies' and private parts. 11 year old kids in secondary are curious and none of these searches seem abnormal.

If he was making sexualised comments particularly if out of context (eg infront of you / younger children, rather than just not realising you could hear him) then I'd be more concerned that there was something else going on

I would be talking to the school. Not the parents

You need to tell them to protect yourself, if their child mentions it later and you haven't, it'll be fifty times as awkward.

Oh - saw your updates. Doesn’t seem that crazy that a pre teen would be curious. I thought it was going to be be kink stuff or something really intense. In my generation many had come across their older sibling or parent’s Playboys or similar. I am mostly confused about your family rules being strict about your children leaving the house but not strict at all about accessing the internet when you already knew this child had history with this sort of thing.

Yes, tell the other parents, but if you think the child is at risk of being abused, I would consider going via the school first and it can be dressed up as your child mentioned the searches to a teacher (rather than you reporting).

My dc went to a sleepover at 12 and her friend offered her a cider. She took it thinking it was alcohol free (I don’t drink alcohol and she’s seen me buy these same ones but AF). She took a sip, realised it was alcoholic and managed to discreetly tip most of it in the hedge. I’m about as certain as I could be that she wasn’t actually trying to drink. I found out after this that the other girl’s parents buy her alcohol and let her drink every weekend at home (😳 she’s 12, needless to say, they aren’t friends anymore after that).

The grandparents were supervising them and the girl’s grandma did message me to tell me. I appreciated it. Like I said, I have no reason to believe my dd was actually trying or wanting to drink (she doesn’t have any interest in drinking), but it gave us a chance to have a conversation about it and also her concern about her friend drinking and that was a positive thing.

Im very concerned as to why your DH thought you were being unreasonable.

They're 11 and I'd want to know if it were my child. Hell I'd want to know if they were older than that!

yes, protect yourself

if you had already been warned by parents that there was experience of such searches, yabu to not have kept an eye on them. Why were they accessing internet from a room with no supervision?

However, I think you are very naive about what your own child is being told at school (but friends and older siblings, not by the actual school!)

At least age appropriate books about puberty, sexual relations etc, to make the subject less tabou, and less attractive in a way, but even so, there's always an older one who likes to "joke" with the younger ones.

This

Talk to school.
if there were heavy penalties last time from the parents I’d be concerned there is something else going on at home

from Abuse to adultification of kids or perhaps that the parents have unrealistic expectations of what 11yos are interested in.

yes 11yo are curious about sex and words used in music or by older kids or what they have read in Apple News.

it’s not an unusual word search and I don’t tbink I’d get overly excited if I was you. So long as it was not in front of younger DC or rape or child abuse adjacent

so i would mention it to school and see if school can offer appropriate pastoral care here

There’s loads of people who have families who are clinically vulnerable and need to be extra cautious of infections.
If you can minimise that - you don’t understand the seriousness of the situation.
We’re talking lengthy hospital admissions for what you and I would consider a mild cold. That affects life and schooling too.
And those people look just like you and me, you wouldn’t necessarily know to look at them.

I’ve taught Y7 sex education and I was absolutely shocked at what they knew or bought up. Even I needed urban dictionary/ Roger’s Profanisaurus. (And I grew up on the American Pie franchise at sleepovers.)

DD came home in the first few weeks of year 7 having had one of the boys from her primary school ask her an incredibly explicit question in front of another boy during a class. She was really upset.

I messaged the mother (she was split from his dad and I didn’t have contact details for him) who couldn’t have cared less. She told me “it happened at school so take it up with school”. I did. The kid was suspended for a week. She was furious.

As this happened at your home you need to tell the parent that you are extremely concerned about his behaviour while he was in your care and need them to know about it. And that you won’t be able to have him over again until it has been addressed.

The kid was getting their privates out? In front of the whole family?

That is odd behaviour. I can kind of see them talking amongst themselves about sex like saying 'banging' etc but flashing in front of everyone is bit worrying.

I think speak to the safeguarding person at the school. About the flashing etc. I'd say it's clear the kid has seen porn online. They may well have lead the dirty search but I think they should both be found jointly responsible for that. They're the same age and your kid knows the rules of your house. Even if for some worrying reason it was 'normal' at the other's home. I just hope it isn't because of SA.

I'd be telling the school.

I would also be concerned about the OP’s 11 year old on the basis of this particular post

Your H is a fool. I would tell the parents about the explicit language and I would keep and eye and report if it continues.

Your DH's behaviour is concerning.

Would he not want to know if his child was going similar searches or that any parent with a safeguarding concern involving your daughter would report it?

We know a 12 year old who is hyper sexualised and casually displays dirty language and behaviour. The parents are scary and we would never tell them what we overheard.

This may not be popular but I would impose a slight punishment and a statement of disappointment in my child for not shutting the "friend" down at your house. I would not contact the child's parents as they will NEVER see it realistically as they are blinded by love. Your child, however, should be reminded of rules in your house and that sexual questions can safely be directed to you as you realize she may want information (keep the response appropriate). There - do NOT let the situation intimidate you - it's your job to control it!