Would you tell parents about inappropriate searches during a sleepover?

[itwasyourshowallalong]

DC (11) had a friend over for a sleepover recently

I don’t want to divulge too much in case parents are on here, but something was searched for on the internet that shouldn’t have been (completely inappropriate for age)

DC has never searched for anything like that before, I keep a close eye - however, it could very easily have been one or both of them searching, so I cannot hand on heart say it was either child - it’s impossible to know

Guest child was also VERY sexually explicit, repeatedly, and had to be told to stop repeatedly (younger DC in the house)

Question now is whether to tell the parents/how?

DH doesn’t want me to say anything, but I feel that at the very least they should be aware (I would want to know if it was my child)

WWYD?

Tell the school.

Hey, so I'm a victim of SA can I ended up being really badly sex drivin please contact the authorities rather than the parents; things could get a lot worse. It was before for her. Please, whatever you do, don't tell the parents for now

It might have been better coming from you or his dad before sex education at school. Given his age, I'm surprised you had not already talked to him about sex.

If he's in a co-ed school some of the girls in his class may have been menstruating for a year or more.

Why are some of you assuming this involves girls?

I don't think it's that unusual for 11 year olds. I was that age before smart phones or unmonitored Internet access and there was still lots of talk about sex.

Given that the OP has written ". . . getting private parts out", I think it far more likely the context was a sleep over for two boys.

To: foxglovelove (love that name!) Yes, I do but they are middle aged adults now so I was not actually faced with internet activities I disapproved of when they were 11 years old although they did have devices. Thank you for being in touch.

That's why I'd never tell. My lips are sealed, the sort of things our young guest has mentioned over time are explicit and vulgar, no filter. The parents are oblivious as the sun shines out of their dc' proverbial. I worry what he'll be like when he's an older teenager. Telling parent will never end well. My dc is now at a different school but started in primary.

I would have wanted to know if it were my son. And I certainly wouldn’t have been ostracising my son’s friends over it. But this mum always thought her son could do no wrong… my son was no angel and I have no doubt he was probably looking at it with his friend. It provoked a good conversation around porn, women’s bodies, consent, etc and I certainly never saw evidence of him searching for anything like that again (he’s 18 now). I used it as an opportunity to be a teachable moment, I guess I thought it hoped my friend would too. I’ve just remembered she went on to tell other mums in the class all about it and how it was my sons fault… I was so glad they were all due to leave that school that summer for secondary school.

@doggoneitmercy No, that doesn’t sound age appropriate to me. I might expect them to look up something daft like ‘willies’ or something equally child-like but not be searching for people having sex.

"Willies"? They're not doing internet searches to be silly.

They are boys looking for things that boys like to look at, hence why they aren't searching for "willies."

When young kids are sexualised, it might be an indication of abuse, so be careful if you dont know the parents.

In any case they do need to know.

I would try to distance my child from them too...

We've been given verbal evidence by his wife.
(Shame on people who would sooner SA continued than any embarrassment be caused to an adult they think well of.)

Back in the late 1970s when I was this age, boys at our school had pornogrpahic magazines they got from older brothers etc, with descriptive stories and obviously photos in - so access to pornographic material and sexual knowledge/language at that age is not exactly new. Better safe than sorry of course.

Forget the parents. Report directly to the school and SS.

I hear this and worse while sat outside our local high school, and it’s daily and it’s the boys. Some look so young too.

I would tell the parents. I think these days, it can be normal and comes in much younger people (boys, usually).

Porn mages from those days were pretty much The Beano compared with what an enterprising boy will find on the internet now.

Dirty magazines and chummy experimentation in the dormitory/ abandoned shed out in the fields etc were par for the course for young lads back then, but this all seems like a golden age of innocence when one thinks, unwillingly, of a number of atrocious juvenile crimes in recent years with a strong root in avid porn consumption amid laissez-aller parenting where internet restriction’s concerned (in particular treating (contemporary) porn as a natural healthy interest for boys.)

I don't want to scare you all

But my neighbours child is year 7. Her daughter said that a year 8 boy wanted to get jiggy with a year 7....

She had the conversation and it was sex.

Kids are now being exposed to so much regardless of internet

Are you actually scolding me because I didn’t tell my 11 year old about sex yet?

He’s 11. He doesn’t need to know about sex. We are very open about bodies.

No, I am not scolding you.

But I do consider that 11 is late for children not to have had discussions with parents about sex.

Assuming you are in England, state schools deliver sex ed in year five.

Schools have a duty to safeguard and if something is happening at home (the unconventional home set up is another red flag), they need to know to fulfill their duty of care. Behaviour such as this is usually the first warning sign that something is amiss.

So many people think that you tell the school and nothing happens but schools are able to record concerns and gather evidence to use later if they need to go to SS or the police. The days of “it didn’t happen at school, it’s not their problem” are well over and for good reason.

For those not in the UK, Year 5 in UK primary schools is the year group for children aged 9 to 10 years old.