Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

So if you said' Get in trouble again, if we hear of any playing with blue lights etc ' you have to leave. we are not enabling criminal behaviour under our roof.'

We’ve already tried all the sensible suggestions to no avail. Maybe that’s why you perceive me coming across as not trying to get some sense into him

hes 20 not 25 and he lives at home because he likes his family?

Dear god. This is most likely my future, op. Solidarity.

Exactly this,Im catching up on this thread in shock really, cheeky chappy,daft as a brush, 'hopefully he'll grow out of it' like he's some sort of benign 5 year old

Everything being couched in terms of 'well its ADHD', 'brain development behind' blah blah blah

Horrific minimisation and dismissal of anti social behaviour, bullying, dangerous driving, creepy and insidious. And the 'he'll be fine with a court appearance', shows he would be a recidivist.

This needs reporting to the police and the fact that OP hasnt done this is also shocking, she is allowing her son, who lives in her house to commit dangerous crimes.

First post nails it. He is arrogant.

He will meet his match one day and get bashed to a pulp I expect.

There's not a lot you can do. He's a grown adult (in theory at least) . Visit him in prison or in hospital I guess??

Ok, sorry I thought it said 25.

Have you involved his / your GP?

His car insurance must be massive at 20 with a Mercedes.

He likes his family as you provide a safe backdrop to his behaviour.

He can carry on doing this- and nothing changes.

I’m trying to create a ‘bigger picture’ - maybe that comes across as cheeky chappie? Nobody is one dimensional and yes he does have some great qualities- I’m sure all of us do.
i posted to try and get some support or advice from people who may have experienced the same situation, as usual this forum is full of judgement, presumption and nasty comments with the occasional sensible or helpful post.

my mistake

Sounds like a very difficult situation for you all. Can I recommend a Pegasus card its a police scheme. Its almost impossible to get young men with ADHD to see consequences.

Yeah ok. I really don’t think you’re here to help. Thanks anyway

Thank you. I hadn’t heard of that

We understand you love him but what comes over is not tough love but enabling his behaviour as you know he's breaking the law and yet allowing him to live with you and not make that harder for him.

He will see you as supportive. Pretending to be a policeman is awful- think Wayne Cozens. Using fake blue lights- terrible. He could cause an accident.

Have you both sat down and had a 'family conference' where you and his dad explain your disgust, your horror, your fears about his behaviour? Have you said he has to change or you will report him yourselves or make him move out? In other words, set some expectations that he has to change?

Well I don't think you are open to help. You want to offload but aren't open to making changes at home.

I don’t think I could let him live under my roof if was impersonating a police officer. That’s incredibly serious behaviour that shouldn’t be minimised. It’s completely a level above the other stuff.

I think to be fair Op you posted about your son being involved in serious criminal behaviour which could end up with someone being seriously hurt, and you got a fairly typical response to that.

I think it would helpful for you to take a look at your current attitude towards your son. Constantly bigging up his good behaviour while he’s engaged in such serious behaviour is concerning to me. If he were my child ADHD or not I’d be coming down like a ton of bricks not saying stuff like he’s nice to his family.

As you have alluded to every person has a good side. That’s includes people in jail for serious crimes.

Your son is walking about being a menace and threatening people. And you are describing him as “nice” and “moralistic” and sure doesn’t he have a GF and loving family, and sure isn’t he only young.

And you don’t want to go to the police because they’ll do their job and arrest him. I wouldn’t either but own it.

Take it you're not a Jackass fan.

This is the problem when there's a massive disconnect between one generation and another (not referring to the OP).

The lad downloaded the blue light app. He didn't make it. Willing to bet 100s, possibly 1,000s, have also got it. Doesn't make it right, does suggest something about the normalisation of behaviours.

Similarly, filming pranks, the internet is full of these reels. Not sure people were jumping up and down with mock shock when Jeremy Beadle was getting an audience of millions with 'You've Been Framed'.

And while he might not be a benign 5 year old, as a 20 year old he still doesn't have an adult brain, particularly the bit that calculates and mitigates risk. The lad can't actually use something that's still in the process of developing. That's why people are saying, entirely clinically correctly, that hopefully he will literally grow out of it.

He’s just poured a bottle of water in his clothes drawer and now wondering why all his boxer shorts are wet.

I don't think any changes at home are going to help with that. There's something wrong with how his brain processes cause and effect. I have adult dss with ADHD too. This is more than ADHD.

Offload to your hearts content op. That's what Mumsnet is for.

I think he sounds great

If he doesn’t have a developed “adult brain” should he really be driving around in a Mercedes on the public road, regardless of the other dickhead behaviour?

I know you know this OP but the one thing that could really help him is ADHD Meds. His behaviour sounds potentially quite dangerous for him and others.

There is a reason why young men with ADHD are far more likely to end up in prison.

Could you look up anyone who has had this experience, ended up in prison and can give your son a talk - like ex alcoholics etc. It might help.

There's a lot of dim people on this thread too OP. This is a real person and a real life situation. He's not brilliant, he's not fucking Batman and he absolutely does have a choice about this and ADHD or any other letters of the alphabet that he's diagnosed with aren't an excuse.

Sorry OP but I wouldn't be providing him with any income or a roof over his head and I'd be reporting anything I witness to the police. If he wants to be Batman he can go and make his own fucking bat cave. I can guarantee that the idiots who killed those police officers driving the wrong way up the dual carriageway had family who did nothing about their antisocial behaviour too. It's only a matter of time... you need to at least distance yourself from this adult's behaviour rather than enabling it, blaming a medical condition that a large proportion of the country are diagnosed with and shrugging it off

He doesn’t sound either nice or dim.

But you assuming we haven’t already ‘hit the roof’ or had sit down family discussions or tried to involve external interventions. We have on many occasions. Yet here we are.

I was hoping for advice from people who have been through it. All I’ve got from you is questions and judgement- no I don’t think you genuinely care or help. If you want to think I’m not open to help that’s fine.

I’m posting because my whole life has been nothing but stress and now I’ve reached my limit.

this post was made out of desperation, I’m done with it all. I can’t leave as his younger brother is disabled and quite frankly I’m the glue that holds my family together.

He’s just poured a bottle of water in his clothes drawer and now wondering why all his boxer shorts are wet.

Is he literally wondering why his boxers are wet (which seems unlikely), or is he just making a performance of wondering?.
The performance could be an attention-seeking behaviour, just like the pouring of water may have been. It might be worth thinking about whether your own reactions to this type of behaviour reward/reinforce it.

If you don’t want the police storming your house for him or the gangs he has irritated coming to your home to retaliate.
If he is fine at home then keep there as much as possible. He has a disability that he cannot control it is dangerous for him to be out and about.
If a car he stopped got spooked and crashed killing people your son would be responsible. I wouldn’t pull over for a dodgy chap with a flashing blue light.
As a parent of a disabled adult child you need to call the police on him.

Ignore the people saying throw him out but could you potentially make taking ADHD Meds a condition of him staying. His impulse control seems extremely poor.