Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

Oh so he has been working since he was 12, yeah try to remember what you've said already.

Because he is a criminal, if any of this is true given your post about him working since he was 12, thats why

No, I agree and I’m surprised that people are saying that he sounds great. Quite frankly, he sounds frightening.

If its all true, then the advice has been to report to the police, but you dont like that advice. And you posted in AIBU, not parenting or relationships.

Yes you are being unreasonable not to have moved him out already given his big paycheck and reported him to the police.

i am constantly telling him he will get caught and we’ve talked about prison but he still doesn’t seem to care

Might he care more about the effect of all this on you? If you lay it on the line that you spend your life dreading that knock on the door in case it's someone telling you he's picked a fight with the wrong person and been killed or maimed; or the call to say he's been given a prison sentence and lost his job? If you show him what all this is doing to you, it might just get through to him. After all, it's not very moral to behave deliberately in a way that causes distress to people you love.

A right twat of an ex of mine was in court for driving around with a flashing blue light on his car, he was told to expect prison time and only got off through the skin of his teeth and his sob story. It's really quite serious stuff. Perhaps your son is one of those who don't believe anything will happen to him, until it does.

He has enough of an adult brain to be earning more than the average for a 20 year old or 25 as OP has put in one post and having been working hard these past 8 years......

He sounds horrible to be impersonating a police officer and forcing people to pull over on the road and then filming them. He is very lucky not to have ended up arrested for that behaviour but he won’t escape it forever. I’m not sure what you can do OP. He’s a grown man now in his twenties. He will make his own decisions and live with the consequences of them. You can’t do anymore than warn him- if he chooses to ignore you, that’s his decision.

So basically you have brought him up to have no serious consequences and are continuing that pattern and wondering why he acts like he does

Take the car keys?

Is your son aware that his behaviours are different to others, or does he think everyone else is the issue? I ask because my teenage son is autistic and it’s something we are currently trying to deal with and teach him about. We’ve had varying degrees of success and we are needing the patience of saints at times. He also has a very rigid moral code and strong sense of justice and it makes him very judgmental of others, it seems to be quite a common trait.

It’s funny that everyone is so upset by what this person is doing, when we all get so upset by people not getting involved when they see someone being beaten up/assaulted/pets being hurt. I think he sounds nice, barring the obvious police impersonation! If more people called others out on awful things they do the world would be a better place. Not that he won’t come across someone very iffy or get into trouble one day.

If you had written that in your OP you might have got quite a different response.

You have consistently said that you & GF see his nice and vulnerable side. I think that is where you are going wrong, you want to engage with him as a whole human not just his bad behaviour. But that doesn’t seem
to have led to results.

And he is young from a developmental POV, and yes young men yet up to high jinks but there is an undercurrent to his behaviour which suggests he may not grow out of it because he sees himself as some sort of moral power like a literal Batman even though he is stalking and assaulting people. And you’ve bought into that mentality putting in down to ADHD. Reckless behaviour might be classic ADHD but I don’t think his thought process is.

I think the next steps are to seek help from professionals for him to be assessed for more than ADHD.

It's all very well telling the Op to chuck him out so he has to face reality but that won't change his personality or his sense of being in the right all the time. He may be immature for 20 but only time will hopefully change that, he's too old for the Op to put him in time out until he says he's sorry.

I don't think this is ah ADHD problem and he doesn't sound dim either. I think it sounds like he genuinely doesn't understand what is wrong with what he is doing. He sounds like a good guy who is trying to help others so I would put it not in just legal terms but in moral terms when you talk to him. Explain to him why it is not just immoral but how it can harm people. He seems to think it's a victimless harmless crime but you light reach him if you outline exactly what harm could happen to an individual in the worst case.

Edited to add: he seems to think the only people he's hurting are the police and that somehow by doing this he is sticking it to them. Maybe he's got a bit of a robin hood complex. I still think you need to.make him understand that he is hurting others and not the police by impersonating a police officer. Someone could have a heart attack. A young driver could panic and kill himself or others trying to escape. Tell him explicitly that this behaviour is bullying.

Maybe get him a sky diving course for Christmas or car driving course, something where he would be safely given ways of expelling the energy that he clearly has in spades.

I also think his sense of rightness could be channelled into something where he learns how to contain it - you'll have to think around it but some sort of charity where he would be in a team and have a set of clear guidelines that would at the same time contain him.

His girlfriend could be your best ally - have you spoken to her about it and about your concerns and fears?

Another poster also suggested using pictures instead of words - that's a great idea with someone with ADHD.

He does sound a bit too much in some ways but you know what if I was being mugged, he is exactly the sort of person I would hope would come to my aid! Most people would just slink by and leave me to it, I'm sure.

Lastly rather than trying to correct his behaviour (clearly not working, very tempting - I try it all the time with my own kids so know it doesn't work!) explain its impact on you because he sounds as if he has empathy.

If someone pulled me over with blue lights late at night I would be terrified. If I then realised they were NOT in fact a genuine police officer I would assume the man was going to rape and kill me.

He’s not dim, he’s fucking dangerous.

I would give the police his car info and registration plate and inform them of what he’s doing.

This is probably the problem. He needs a risk taking activity to cope with the ADHD. He's already deliberately chosen a risky job. If you can't divert his spare time into a risky and preferably physically active sport, then he really needs the meds.

If he won't take prescription drugs, then there are others. Alcar can help a lot with anxiety. Tyrosine can help with the anger. Rhodiola has effects on dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine similar to the latest non stimulant ADHD drugs. All three are good supplements that you might be able to persuade him to try. If he'll only go for one, make it the rhodiola. If he won't go for any try and get him to eat a lot of red meat. Serve him steak every time he visits!

I think a good fright would change his behaviour. Nothing like a night in a police cell to give you a cold dose of reality.

Hi ChatGpt @YourSharpTealWriter

You’ve said a couple of times that he’s 20. Also that he’s had a number of jobs over the last 8 years. He’s been working since he was 12??

He might just change to something more dangerous like base jumping. He needs this, it's his way of medicating the insane demands that ADHD makes of your brain.

So he is 20
Has been working in his current - contractor - role for 2 months.
Has a Mercedes on finance which he pays for with his £800 per week contractor job.
He changes his cars every 2 years
At 20 he is responsible for the insurance on said Mercedes (is he actually paying it?)
Has been working since 12.

I have close family members with ADHD. I work supporting children and adults with ADHD. I have a very clear understanding of the issues around risk taking and what happens when people don’t consider consequences. I am also an advocate for medication to treat core symptoms whilst young people are still learning. It allows them to develop focus and executive strategies and the benefits of that. I support people and their families every day and would normally be advocating for you and your DS OP.

But I am not sure the list in the first paragraph adds up.

Not sure its a thing and extreme too but I would speak to the police about him. They could speak to him etc, essentially if hes taking this route in life then he needs to be prepared to get in serious trouble. Read its better to get police involved early - as in studies suggest people who have good interaction with police etc early are less likely to end up in deep trouble.

That being said; has he always been reckless or is it a new thing? If its new, what's happened. Behaviour sounds manic...

Sorry, cant be easy when youre the parent.

What an idiot. That’s a cruel trick to play on anyone, let alone a parent already dealing with a problem son.

He’s also very moralistic

yet its ok in his mind to break the law... bizarre that the rules don't apply to him

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgrl277189do

would showing him evidence of others that have done what he is doing and being given a sentence over it help?

The fact that so many cars have dash cam and could record your son doing this - then post online or send to police to warn others - this could seriously blow up in his face