Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

I've got a son with AuDHD and am also diagnosed ADHD myself.

It's all about dopamine hunting (dopamine mining its sometimes called). I've never done anything illegal but for me I crave scalding hot baths, spicy food, crunchy food etc. I have a job that has hard targets and this helps the dopamine daily. When I'm alone I sing and dance around a lot too.

Young men tend to dopamine hunt in worse ways. Mine is younger but he picks fights deliberately escalating things.

Meds definitely help. But if he's averse to that he might also benefit from finding some safe but risky feeling sports to help balance his hormones out a bit. Would he consider something like rock climbing, mountain biking, boxing etc? Physical exercising plus dopamine is perfect

It's a high paying job for some of us.....but comes at a cost around all those fumes and having to stand all day

ok so what's his dad saying and doing? Dad's input often has far more impact with lads like him.

Has he only been working on roads for 2 months?

Do you charge him rent?
Is he saving for a house?
Why is he still at home at 25 when he could afford to rent?

I hate to say this but you're possibly enabling him to stay immature by not encouraging him to move out or at least demand a realistic rent/ food payment from him.

I was impulsive and sometimes reckless in early adulthood.

(Not impersonating police though!) I grew out of it eventually. I was diagnosed with ADHD in middle age.

20 is still pretty young.

you are claiming that he has a strong sense of right and wrong, that he cares about justice and comes to the help of those in need. So taking this at face value:

does he know that impersonating police officers and stopping people is a tactic used by criminals to abduct, rape and murder their victims? Or - in more benign cases - simply to scam their victims with fake fines?
That his behaviour is not „just“ criminal but likely to have caused intense feelings of fear and shock?

And if he does know and simply doesn’t care… well, I‘ll leave the conclusion up to you.

This was my thoughts too. £900 per week as a contractor is good money, but it’s not that good, and presumably he still needs to put a chunk by for HMRC.

It’s also very common for people with ADHD to self medicate.

No, she said he was employed in her OP. It's only specifically what he does that she mentioned later. Bank of mum and dad would suggest he doesn't work and lives off his parents.

He's clearly quite comfortable telling you about his antics.

I can't understand why and his dad you don't hit the roof and tell him he has to change his ways or he has to leave.

You aren't to blame for his behaviour but you aren't making any changes that may encourage him to change.

Emotionally he's immature. Being at home at 25 when he could afford to move out is one step to growing up.

I honestly hope things will get more normal as he gets older

Do you not understand that people with ADHD don’t get better.

It can be treated and kept under some control with meds but thinking it will get better with age is false.
It’s more likely to get worse

You have to be smart. Telling him to go on meds is going to be met with a flat NO

Maybe have a word with his therapist about opening up the possibility of meds helping.

Taking meds won’t alter his personality but it might just save him from going to jail

OP said he works and how much he earns. BUT he doesn't pay her anything I assume.

He sounds like a psychopath to me. Do any more d these traits ring true?

• Lack of Empathy and Remorse: An inability to genuinely understand, care about, or feel guilty for how actions impact others.
• Superficially Charming: Displaying slick, engaging, or disarming charisma to quickly earn trust and manipulate impressions.
• Pathological Lying: Consistently using dishonesty and omission to control narratives and deceive people.
• Grandiose Self-Image: Exhibiting an inflated sense of superiority, entitlement, and self-importance.
• Impulsivity and Need for Stimulation: Engaging in thrill-seeking behaviour, chronic rule-breaking, and a persistent intolerance for boredom.

Yes they've got a job to do, they're not friends there to help, what on earth makes you think they are?

How needlessly snide. Do you feel better now?

And you‘re quite certain you’re qualified to make categorical statements like that?

Yeah I know, I was replying to the poster who couldn’t seem to understand that young people can earn well without having to go to uni

OP explained what her son did for work in her very first post

He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways

I don’t think they are - obviously 🙄
strange that you’d jump to that conclusion when I was responding to posters asking why I don’t report him myself

Sadly I expect this has gone on for decades- in trouble at school, no academic results, in trouble for minor offences with the police.

It's clear where this will end up and there ought to have been intervention years ago.

It's too easy to label it ADHD. Some people with adhd are high flyers and socially mature. It's a spectrum and there is no guarantee meds would help anyway.

He needs solid, directive parenting, where he is made to acknowledge the risks.

Not humour but seriously sitting down with him and making it very plain that he risks being in serious trouble and the life long consequences.

Why are people assuming he’s 25 and sponges off us financially? Really bizarre how people can’t comprehend basic English and then add there own narrative as if it’s fact

Sorry if I’ve missed this in another post but is there a possibility he has undiagnosed autism as well? The black-and-white thinking makes me think of a possible overlap with autism.

Sadly - great word. Judge all you want - there have been plenty of interventions over the years and his dad and I are confident in our solid parenting- sometimes even the best parents face problems with their children, but I suspect you already know that

I earn more than this and cant afford a Mercedes. How come?

so depending on where you live, is he paying you the going rate for rent and a contribution to food? Does he help around the house? Why does he want to be a home at 25 when he could move out?

Here, a 1 bed flat would be well over £1k a month plus bills.

I do feel for you but what's not coming over is any real and serious attempts by you and his dad to get some sense into him.

He's not been like this overnight- likely it's gone on for 10+ years in some way or another.

It’s affordable on finance- he changes his car every couple of years for a new one when his contract expires

Yes, agreed.

But he won't change unless you do.

There will be ways you can get across to him that this is not working and making you very unhappy.