Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

If he keeps impersonating police; he will get caught eventually and his life will be broken. You just get him to stop this - maybe a family intervention so it’s not just your judgement?

And the tone of your posts, OP, suggests that you admire at least some of his terrible behaviour. It reads almost like a humble brag post. It makes me wonder whether there is something in your 'family culture' that celebrates aggressive impositions on other people. Does his dad ever behave in a way that is similar but less extreme? Do you?

OMG
WHY is mumsnet full of people who DO NOT READ THE OP BEFORE THEY POST

He sounds like an absolute prick to be honest. And dangerous too! Do him and everyone else a favour and speak to the Police yourself about this. He is going to end up in serious trouble or potentially hurt by someone.

Your son is neither nice nor dim. He is an angry criminal (who has yet been charged or convicted) who has grandiose thoughts. This goes way beyond ADHD. He sounds dangerous; though this hasn't been fully 'tested' yet.

You say he can't see the consequences of his actions but there's a gulf between how you think about him and the person he is.

I'm also flabbergasted that you have not reported this to the police. They're not interested in helping, they want to charge him with something!

Well knock me down with a feather. He's committing crimes, FFS, would you like them to take him out for afternoon tea? He has absolutely no right to take the law into his own hands. What happens when the thrill of following men from the pub wears off? You think he won't start targeting women? Or carrying weapons? Think again.

Frankly, this is one of the occasions I'd like one of the violent thugs among the force to throw their weight around, the little shit needs taking down a peg or two hundred.

What are you on about.
No it doesn't.
OP has posted here because she's worried about his behaviour.
It's not a humble brag at all.

Do you have any independent back up that the confrontations are ‘bad guys’? Sounds like he is just trying to get into a fight and saying any old guff that you completely accept.

He follows young men out of pubs, presumably without knowing what they have been drinking. Then sets up a scary scenario and films it. I suspect this is online somewhere to encourage others to mock this person.

There is no nice here.

Sounds like you've done everything you can. He's chaotic but in a much better position than a lot of young lads with ADHD - steady job and girlfriend. Fingers crossed prefrontal cortex development will sort him out.

Good idea

Or what if one of the young men he is threatening with his fake blue light tries to speed away and crashes?

Or he gets into a physical fight with a teenager who he has decided as judge, jury & executioner is a bully and seriously injures them.

Look at Chris Watts mother, he killed his wife & 3 young kids. The trial heard how his two tiny daughters saw their mother’s body & one watched the other being killed. And what did his mother say - that it wasn’t a good marriage and she loves her son.

Really really awful men are often very nice to their mothers!

He'd have less money and time to fritter if he had to run his own place.

So he earns, what, £30k? He only has money because he doesn't pay rent.....

@YourSharpTealWriter I do think your son is going to get in to horrendous trouble soon.
I think you need to get him to a GP quickly. He needs a mental health referral urgently. He is showing signs of delusional disorder.

OP has he had a formal diagnosis of anything?
ADHD is not the only diagnosis and I don't think that's his label.
He could quite simply as you said be low intelligence and able to compute risk/ outcomes.

Working on the roads and earning shedloads doesn't mean he's intelligent and can make rational choices.

When did he leave school and what's he been doing for the last 8 years or so?

Does he have a dad around?

Really?! Let’s get an angry young man who gets into fights with teens and stalks people pretend to be a police officer to enforce the law?!

OP literally says this in paragraph 2.

£30K Is that a fact?

Stupidity?

You need to work as a team with his girlfriend. Is she attracted to 'bad boys' with a bit of money?

I hope she doesn't become pregnant as no child needs a father like him who dices with the law and will likely end up with a criminal record and no job.

Are you dealing with this alone OP- is his dad around?

@YourSharpTealWriter
Yeah he sounds like a lovely lad 🙄
Imagine he pulls over someone and gives them a panic attack, then crash, or even more so a heart attack or something....and him and his mate laughing at people whilst doing it?! He sounds like a bully.

If hes earning so well and walking around like a god I think you owe it as his parent to assist with his "maturing" and suggest he supports himself now. He might have less time and inclination to behave like a fool if he has to pay all his own bills, maintain a property, cook, food shop and do his own washing...

Probably thinks hes the dogs b*llox because he refused school etc and now has this high paying job.

(To add yes i have read he has adhd, but that is really no excuse for making a joke out of people at their expense, aside from the fact its highly illegal, its just bloody mean and he could cause a crash) time to start growing up son, and mum you can help him on his way with this

I haven’t had time to read the whole thread but I think you’ve had a hard time on here. I think he has time on his hands, money, and wants a bit of a thrill. Can this be redirected into some kind of sport that does the same? Watersports/climbing/parsgliding or similar?

I’ve never said he is unintelligent or ‘low intelligence’ however his behaviour is certainly dim. Just because someone is not academic doesn’t make them unintelligent.

hes had various jobs over the last 8 years and his current job about 2 months.

yes his dad is around

And his behaviour at home isn’t a problem so what would be the point of him moving out ? It’s not going to stop OP worrying about him.

£800 a week is not a high paying job.
And contracting work can be variable

If he worked every week it's just above £40Kpa and the median income is around £39Kpa.

He wouldn't be able to afford his car and do many things he does if he was buying a house and had a mortgage.

OP- is he saving to buy a home of his own?
What's the long term plan with him and his girlfriend?

Yeah im just using OPs words there.

It isnt when you are paying rent, bills etc. Hence my suggestion to bring this god back down to earth a bit by making hik stand on his own two feet!