Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

Your son isn’t nice. He’s a menace.

Well I think he sounds really great! Apart from the reckless behaviour obv .But telling someone off for mistreating a dog, is to be applauded surely? If he does mess with the wrong guys, then surely that will teach him a lesson? He may grow out it of course

Being kindly, I think OP may have made a 'typo' over the number of years working.

For some stupid reason I read 20 as 25 and asked if he'd been working 8 years. She may have had '8 years' in her head when she replied to my post. easily done if you're stressed and emotional.

The only slightly odd thing is that he changes his car every 2 years on finance. If he's 20, he would probably have only had 1 previous car, which he bought at 17 or 18. So it's possible he changed it after 2 years but he'd have to be earning a reasonably good, stable income at 17-18 to buy even on finance.
Unless his parents are the ones financing it and he's paying them back.

I dread to think what he's paying in insurance, although not all Mercedes are powerful cars. It's a brand, but there are many types of Mercs.

I agree that risk taking and lack of personal safety can be part of ADHD and being impulsive. But his blue light game is not so much impulsive as carefully planned, from buying the lights to having a friend video him.

I don't understand why he would empty a bottle of water into his drawer, unless it slipped out of his hand and was accidental.

it's in the OP.

I think, as you are probably realising yourself OP, that this isn't the right place for the advice you are seeking - it's lots of input but most of it without any of the experience you are looking for.

Are you in touch with or aware of any specialist groups for people/families with your son's diagnosis? Not necessarily local and possibly quite small groups but I would say the people you'll communicate with in those groups will be more "your people" than here on AIBU. 💐

You seem to have raised a good son.Hopefully he will mature soon even if a bit late on account of the ADHD.

When i was going through parenting stress I found it helpful to have hobby and community groups of my own outside the home, and when life was too busy to go out to play online games and attend online support groups and author fan groups. at first through usenet If you want ideas for groups i have dozens lol

I have a washing machine that also dries and wish i had it then. Sometimes really simple change made life better,. More pillows, a place to sort laundry, a repurposed box for shoes under the table at the entry. (an old frock pulled over the box makes it look OK) im not good with change so i got dh to help spot times it could help.
it was at times hard to even cope with anything at all so i had disposable knives and forks for crisis times and still use recycled paper plates a fair bit.

. One thing we always did (still do) was pay for cleaning with tidying. This was essential to survive. It can be hard to have the cleaner see the worst, but It is blessing to have them. Over the eyars i have seen that hiring a cleaner is a marriage saver for many people.
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Time alone can be tricky I formed a habit of waking before everyone else. My own mother often woke at midnight for a few hours (still does on her 80s)

My friend and i would arrange to bring our sons to each others houses and one of us would often go to sleep sitting in our chairs. it ended up her always coming to ours. . We still meet and sometimes sleep in our chairs and the grown up kids have their own meetups now. Could visitslike this be possible with your disabled family member.

I wore a book for years If my mind got overwhelmed i put my head into the book.. An aunty uses music that way,, My mum gets overwhelmed by music yet listened to documentaries and stories on radio and now on the net.. A sibling had the phone wired into his car handsfree for the many many times he was waiting for kids to get out of scouts etc.

For the worst year i chose self help positive books, Now i read whatever i like and i have a water resistant kindle i can even take to the shower. No, i got that wrong, the worst years were when I didnt read. For my aunty they were when she didnt music.
I know someone whose worst year was when they did not knit, they spin as well and the idea of all that work being relaxing makes me giggle for some reason.

ADHD meds mnay be hard to get in the UK , but if he is approved already perhaps he might decide to try different types but it will be up to him. One of our adult sons (30s) has adhd and has chosen not to have medications since he was in his teens.. He choses his own adventure, and it is alright.

The OP literally explained why he is well paid..You don't need uni to get a well paid job. You do know that?

I don’t think we should give a man with a god complex and a lack of respect for the law a badge.

There you go OP, All your problems are solved 👏👏👏

Well done @PutItInTheFridge nailed it!

🙄

Hi OP, I have only read part of the thread so apols if this has been covered, but if he really IS a nice guy, can you ask him to consider that of all the people he suspects of DUI, a significant proportion are going to be innocent - and he is actively endangering their lives by distracting them while they are driving? Making them pull over somewhere unsafe etc?

Can you point out that women in particular fear ill-intentioned and fake cops with good reason? Many women including me have had men pretending to be police and it's very scary. Ask him how he would feel if you, or his girlfriend, was pulled by a fake cop while out driving alone at night- when you were not actually DUI? How scared you would feel - would he think that man had done the right thing?

If he really is justice-oriented that ought to give him pause. He does sound like he's just on a power trip tbh.

Yes it was a typo sorry - he is 20 and has been working since 16 so 4 years.

He’s had quite a few jobs and either left or been sacked- has a problem with being told what to do and is very sensitive to tone of voice- which unfortunately some people are unaware of. He is thriving in his current job, really respects his superiors as he doesn’t feel judged and they’re easy going and fair with him. He responds well to this. he loves the danger and always sending videos of near misses - it worries me a lot, he thrives on the adrenaline.

He’s on his 3rd car, didn’t have his first one for long as apparently it was a ‘girls car’ (second hand Corsa) but all he could afford at the time.

I will not be reporting him to the police currrently as although he’s committed an offence it really won’t be conducive to a positive way forward for anyone. The police will obviously charge him and he will deal with whatever the consequences are. This won’t actually solve any problem and ruin my relationship with him. I won’t do that over his current behaviour- if it was a more serious crime then that would be different.

Despite the snide ‘bank of mummy & daddy comments’ we have lent him money in the past eg for his first car but he has paid back every penny. I’m not sure how any of our finances are relevant.

He and his gf are both earning and could afford their own place if they did want to move in together. However he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to move out yet - he’s still quite young at 20 and there is little friction in the home we generally have a good relationship and although I don’t approve of his antics I am grateful that he is completely open with me and could always come to me with anything. This is important to me as a parent and that would stop if I asked him to leave.

i will raise the possibility again of medication and see where that goes.

His Dad and and I have done our very best and I don’t believe his behaviour is a result of his upbringing. I’m not using ADHD as an excuse by any means as some have suggested. Just wanted to paint a picture, I think there’s strong personality traits and other stuff going on such as unresolved issues he doesn’t know how to deal with. I think his therapist is really helping with that as he speaks very highly of her.

I have made a mistake making this post in AIBU I realise that now. It’s really not the right place. I will look into more specialised areas where hopefully I can get some support and realistic advice

Respectfully mumsnetters are severely misinformed if they think ADHD meds are the solution here. Yes - impulsivity, inattention and distractibility may improve, but none of that is reflected in the above. ADHD meds are not the solution to any of the behaviours you've listed. He's still a capacitous adult willfully engaging in criminal activities - it's disingenuous and misleading to pin that on adhd. He's not at the mercy of his illness like hes posessed by a poltergeist or something. And this is coming from a psychiatrist.

This is a seriously weird thing to do. If it’s some moral issue why doesn’t he ring the actual police?

Practical jokers often come to a sticky end.

For the special media attention

has a problem with being told what to do and is very sensitive to tone of voice- which unfortunately some people are unaware of.

“Unfortunately some people are unaware of”? Sorry? Why do you write that like the onus is on the line manager not to tell your son what to do? This is your son’s problem to manage. ADHD or not.

This part of what you said is so concerning, imagine how parents of these young men would feel knowing they are being targeted and followed when they're driving. What if one them has a car crash and dies? I've been followed at night on a motorway before by someone pranking me when I was in my 20s I was absolutely terrified, it would be easy to make a mistake when driving.

Maybe he needs proper mental health support, as it sounds like more than just ADHD. It's deeply troubling behaviour and only likely to escalate as the dopamine hit will need to become greater each time.

I really hope you find the support and solutions that work for you & your family and wish you all the best.

I would absolutely ask him to move out if he didn’t stop the police impersonation. The same as I would if I knew my child was selling drugs, robbing people etc. It’s a crime for a reason and it carries real risks for those involved. As much as he’s framing it as some moral crusade to pull over people he thinks are DUI, nothing about it comes across as that. I would bet there’s far more going on than ADHD.

Gentle parenting?

YABU

It sounds more like a personality disorder than adhd.

Has he had a formal diagnosis of ADHD and if so, when and by whom? Has he seen a psychologist and psychiatrist?

ADHD is often the inability to focus, being impulsive, being over- focused in some people. It can be an inability to perceive risk, being disorganised, poor time management etc.
@YourSharpTealWriter
It doesn't usually present as his behaviour - 'assuming false authority' and enjoying calling people to account, and rejecting authority (at work.)

In a nutshell, leaving aside any diagnosis, he likes telling others what to do but can't take being told what to do.

At home, he's angelic, in the big wide world he's a different person.

Pushing back against authority and also pretending to BE an authority is no ADHD.

There is far more going on.He needs to see an expert and if you want names, Prof Tanya Byron in London is THE UK expert on young men like him. She's a clinical psychologist who works with families like yours. She has a website with contact details for consultations.

If I were you I'd get to see her at whatever cost (ie travelling etc) and even if he won't see her , you can as a parent and get advice.

Wrong thread!!

The more I read this the more dangerous he sounds. He has no regard for anyone, he's breaking the law. This is the start, he will become more and more dangerous and risk taking the longer he is allowed to "get away" with yhis behaviour. Also dont think having ADHD has anything to do with it, after all, he can get a girlfriend, hold down jobs for 8 yrs, drive, pay for his hire purchase or whatever.

He's a huge danger waiting to happen unless he gets a huge reality check.

Sorry OP.

As the mum of a younger teen with ADHD, I would make living in your house contingent on taking the meds. You can't be dealing with this. For a start, your house insurance will go through the roof if someone living in the house has a criminal record. If he thought it was clever to "relieve" someone of their backpack which had drugs in, that's another risk for you. Same if he thought he was being clever by getting rid of a weapon.

OP, my autistic ADHD son is nothing like this but I do know that teaching him anything at all about social skills takes 10 to 100 times longer than with my NT son. And I also know he found it incredibly hard to take me seriously but would take similar advice seriously if given by someone online.

I'd be inclined to go to your local police station, explain the issue and ask if they would give him a serious talking to if you bring him in. Hearing from the police themselves that he could end up in rpison, lose his job, his girlfriend and find it very hard to get work once he is back outside - these might be deterrents.

Could you discuss the thrill he gets from doing this and look for other - legal things he could do to achieve a similar thrill?

Edited to add, he does seem lovely in so many respects from how you describe him, and he will probably grow out of it. So balance warnings with praise.