Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

for all you know she has included the public. Personally I don’t think what he’s doing presents a big risk. It’s pompous, annoying and insulting but I don’t risk assess it as something serious. Maybe OP is the same.

I was going to say the same. It sounds as if he has a very developed / over developed sense of justice.

She said she has. Did you read the op?

DP is the same, I’m fairly sure it’s a trait of ADHD but I could be wrong, I’d have to look it up. They have an exaggerated, black and white sense of justice, things most of us could relatively easily overlook or navigate they have to call it out otherwise they’ll explode.

DP is a lot better at letting things slide now, he’s unmediated (by choice) but he’s had consistent therapy for 1+ years straight and it seems to have helped a lot.

He still does some impulsive things most of us probably wouldn’t but he’s a lot better now.

How would you feel being the victim of his 'pranks' with young children in your car or being young yourself?

What’s that got to do with risk to the public?

Prepared to be flamed for this but this is why I tend to stay clear of young males with ADHD. At best they’ve always got such goofy personalities and juvenile senses of humours. At worst they commit crime. I’m not British and I have noticed young British “lads” mature at a slower rate than those in other countries. They don’t have manly demeanours at all, I feel sorry for the young women in their generation. They also use the term ADHD around a lot, I’m convinced a lot of it is self diagnosis.

Regardless, they need to go to the doctors for an official diagnosis/medication to control their impulses, but I’ve also noticed accountability isn’t rife amongst the young males either. Unlike women, I’ve met several women with ADHD who have made the effort to go through the diagnosis process, my friend is on medication and it changed her life. Never met a man who take steps to make the lifestyle changes though. I can only put it down to people in their brushes it off as “lads will be lads”.

My DH has got better at keeping it to himself, especially if the inconvenience/annoyance from the negative behaviour is just passing. But I've only recently recognised it as adhd thing

People in those cars are the public.

You asked me how I would feel

If he gets caught impersonating a police officer he could get a big dollop of FAFO. Kids can’t be told, just prepare a ‘I told you so’ speech.

This is all dismaying. I'm so sorry you're having to endure this behaviour.

I don't have direct experience of your problem but I do have 3 children, 2 of whom were a total nightmare (including a son who was always right). A couple of ideas :-

• Tell him how utterly frightened you are, and the affect that it's having on you. That it's making you feel anxious and very unwell all the time as you are so worried that he'll end up dead in a ditch, arrested and imprisoned.
• Can you get in to see the GP with him? He will need to give you permission. Insist on a referral to the MH service for urgent assessment. This is way more than ADHD.
• Call the Crisis Team if you're getting really anxious. You need support too. Also you could ask for advice for him if he's gone on a prank. Dial 101 and then select the correct option.

I don't know if any of this will help.

You need to be looking after you too.

Ask him where increasing the risk of serious harm to innocent people from a drunk and impaired driver losing control being chased by someone not trained in blue lighting fits into his moralising 🙄

All very well being reckless with his own life/freedom, but he loses all moral high ground potentially risking the lives of others.

If his employers find out he'll never work in that industry again. His job is all about health and safety around cars and roads. What he's doing could cause a serious accident. He'll have his licence removed. He'll lose his job. Never mind the police and possibly being beaten up by randoms.

It doesn't sound like a prank even it sounds like he likes the idea of controlling others. It's an immature attitude for sure. Maybe he could do with therapy? Would he be open to it?

Most people would be terrified.

He sounds idiotic. He’s likely to get attacked if he stops the wrong car. It’s just stupid. It makes me laugh when young lads like this swagger about with money, nice cars & clothes but they still live with their mum! He needs to grow up.

A few things:

People are asking about him moving out because his so called wealth is simply from living at home, not just have what is about a 46k salary (I'm guessing you don't live in an expensive area as that isn't that much of a huge salary these days). If he did live in his own digs, he's have less spare cash, responsibility for things like rent/mortgage/insurance which is a life lesson that may help ground him. Having less disposable income to flaunt may also help, as you say yourself he has an arrogant quality atm.

Next thing, I know a few people like your son, mad as hatters and full of life. Vigilantes too, same sort of hung ho all barrels attitudes. Strong sense of justice but only so far as their world view: ie your son is probably doing unsafe driving manoeuvres to successfully pull people over with his fake lights etc. There's no way he isn't. But that's okay to his morals because it's him doing it. You're not helping by making excuses for him, and tbh the only thing that can reign in his reckless behaviour is consequences. Legal ones. But what a shame to smear his record for attention seeking behaviour masquerading as righting the moral balance.

I agree with this.

He will meet someone like my ex one day and he will be eating through a straw for a month.

He sounds dangerous to be around and the likelihood of keeping his job is small I imagine.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person. You're at your wits end with his reckless behaviour and his attitude is callous and apethetic.

If he did really care about his family he would be willing to change his behaviour or accept the help that's on offer. Far too easy these days to hide behind a diagnosis. He clearly understands the consequences of his actions and chooses not to care.

This won't end well and either himself or someone innocent will end up hurt. Doesn't sound like he'd care much if it was the latter.

If he’s unlucky, he’ll cause an accident that kills some completely innocent person.

I’d be looking for his TikTok videos and sending them to the Police, along with his licence plate and address details.

That sounds so stressful for you OP. You must be worried sick he'll get hurt if he carries on like this.

It's stating the obvious but I would maybe get him to talk to his therapist about why he is resisting trying medication. It might help him understand that at least trying it for a while might be a logical step. It might be that he gets a rush from his dangerous behaviour and doesn't want to give it up.

It also sounds like your son has tons of excess energy that he is misdirecting. I wonder if volunteering somewhere he could help kids or disadvantaged people would be possible with his ADHD? It might give him the satisfaction of helping people but in a more constructive way.

This was my first thought. I'd have a serious chat with him to let him know the consequences. Someone could suspect he is an impersonator & report him by using his car registration.

I have to agree. This really is not just ADHD I don't know why the op is pretending that's what this is. I have ADHD and autism and I've never behaved anyway like that ever.

We are still not sure how old he is whether he is 20 or 25? eight jobs in however many years and only being at this job for 2 months also shows instability. Also not being able to keep a job probably because his volatile impulsive behaviour. He seems deeply unwell but far too many dismiss and coddle the behaviour of males

If he is chasing after cars, presumably at speed, how long before he causes an accident? How long before someone is injured or even killed because of him? I'm sorry, but regardless of your thoughts on the police, it's your responsibility to report him. He won't go to prison (even though he technically could) the prisons are full, but maybe going to court and having a near miss might work. If not, then I'm really sorry to say this, because he is your son and you clearly love him very much, there's no hope for him!