Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

I can assume all sorts unless you post otherwise!

Your first post didn't come over like that at all.

In fact it came over as if you were minimising it and saying he's nice but dim doesn't really explain how you're feeling.

And please stop singling me out as there are far worse posts, far more harsh.

If you'd said 'My son is engaging in illegal acts and I am distraught'- that would be more helpful.
We can only respond to what you write.

I can understand that you don't want to report your own son to the police.
But have you gone as far as saying to him you will do that if necessary?

Maybe what you need is some external support for YOU other than MN to talk to a professional about how to carry this load.

A martial arts club with a good sense of community might give him a safer outlet? Could you speak to gf to see if it can be her suggestion/ initially a them thing to increase the chances of him doing it? Historical reenactment societies might also suit him well xx

does he do any type of sport, running, cycling swimming? paddle pickle ball etc?

I know someone in their late 40s who very obviously has undiagnosed ADHD and who displays similar (although not so extreme) behaviour. Having known him for close to 20 years there is absolutely no reasoning with them and they don't really change unfortunately.

Sounds like he’s going to fuck about & find out regardless of what you do/say.

Interesting he’s seeing people being ‘bullied’ then going and doing the exact same thing to the ‘bullies’ but then justifying his own behaviour to make it altruistic.

The police thing is just so stupid and horrible, as pp’s have said, no one impersonates a police officer for any good reason.

He sounds quite insufferable and incredibly immature, but I don’t think there’s anything you personally can do to make him realise that. The beating/sentence he’s inevitably going to get hopefully will sort him out a bit.

I am not judging or being nasty, OP.
I have been there and I am so far down the line from you.
We are solid parents, doing solid parenting.
Unfortunately, a grown adult male with an explosive temper is something you need to protect yourselves from.
This is bigger than you. You can’t manage another adult like that.
He is an adult but it will come back to you.
We have no savings left. We’ve spent it all on court fines, solicitors and renting a one bed flat once DS1 comes out of his probation accommodation.
He has compromised my career (public servant, professional standards regarding who my associates are, including DS1).
DS1 had a great job at 20. Three years down the line, with his actions and behaviour, he does not have a job.
So I say this not from a position of judgement.
Please take this seriously.

I posted earlier about my dc who has adhd and does things like pranks (not the same as your son) and impersonates police officers. She had an Asbo for some time (it’s got a different term now) for her behaviour. She has been arrested and been to court several times but generally the police are very softly softly with her and if she is getting up to mischief somewhere (often) they drop her off home to avoid any more trouble. That happened only last week.

She had medication when she was young which worked brilliantly but she suffered dangerous side effects and was taken off it.

It’s hard op and in your son’s case I don’t know what to suggest except he will probably find himself in trouble with the law sooner rather than later.

Your son isn’t nice and his ADHD isn’t an excuse for being a bell end.

Omg I don’t have much advice but I think you’re great I love the way you write. Maybe she enjoys a project, made me lol (as a woman who has enjoyed many projects!)

I think he sounds lovely, I guess he has no filter so shouldn’t tell his mum so much about his worrying escapades but equally you should be proud of him being such a good egg

I agree.
He sounds utterly obnoxious.

What a drama llama post 😭 how shit of a parent would you be to call the police on your son for that?!

So you’d rather he scared someone innocent individual or caused an accident?

How is OP going to stop that happening?

Imagine to be one of the people he abuse? Or your young daughter or son being in the car pulled over.
He scares people and presents to be a police officer. It's horrendous.

I would ask him to see a doctor and get medicated and sorted or leave my home.

It's a matter of time before he is in prision I hope.

He sounds like he doesn’t have much compassion or empathy for others and you sound blind to it. He’s illegally harassing other drivers and causing unknown amounts of distress yet you still think he’s a good lad.

He’s an adult now though so what you can do is limited.What goes around comes around though.

A responsible caring parent would call the police before her reckless son caused a serious accident.
Remember Sarah Everard? He has the potential to terrify people. Maybe he enjoys that.
Creeps start somewhere. Impersonating authority to intimidate people is usually a bad sign.
He has no self control.
I would 💯 call the police in my DS in this:situation.

By reporting him.

And then?

it might sound really winning, but it will do nothing apart from make your son (quite rightly) hate you.

Oh. The fear of the son hating his mother, who cares. If he worried about his mother he wouldn’t be doing this.
That excuse is the reason why so many young men get away with bad behaviour.
I wouldn’t care if my DS hated me for making a decision to sort him out.,

You’re making the very naive assumption that reporting him to the police will “sort him out”

do you wonder why the people he stopped didn’t report him?

ADHD can result in a delay in brain maturation, particularly in areas tied to executive functions and emotional regulation, and can develop slower than the non ADHD brain by between 2 & 5 years.

This can affect the development of the prefrontal cortex (where caution/common sense come from). This aspect of the brain is the last to fully develop and is responsible for a lot of teenage boy daftness.

So if your son's prefrontal cortex development is slower in developing, it would explain the risk taking behaviours he engages in. The dopamine response he wants he gets from the positive responses from his Tiktok videos.

Medication would help calm the risk taking impulsivity. Because from my experience, that impulsivity is almost impossible to resist!

I have a much younger child that sounds exactly like your son and I've already envisaged what he'll be like at 20. However, when medicated, he is the perfect child. Kind, thoughtful, rational, polite, well mannered. Unmedicated he's manic and can't control his impulses.

You’re making the very naive assumption that reporting him to the police will “sort him out”

It is worth a try and better than doing nothing to protect the public. So many tragic incidents could be prevented by families speaking out earlier.

do you wonder why the people he stopped didn’t report him?
Maybe they did with no registration number or didn’t bother because nothing would be done, or they were drunk driving, none of these reasons excuse his behaviour. He isn’t a police officer.

Nobody is excusing his behaviour.

“Worth a try” something so lightweight needs careful weighing up of the risks and benefits. OP has done this and decided the risks outweigh the benefits

I'd ring 111 and give them his registration, anonymously of course.

Yes for her and her son. Not for the public. Someone so reckless shouldn’t have access to a car. He might be an adult in years but he has a development impairment.