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AIBU?

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AIBU to see these messages as more than work banter?

48 replies

Brokenoct · Yesterday 21:47

I’ve changed my username because some posts I’ve made previously are possibly identifying.

I have discovered messages between my DP and a work colleague. On the 2nd night of 4 nights away in the UK.

I thought he was acting strange yesterday and being odd with his phone. I looked at it when he fell asleep last night (we are in a lodge and he left it on charge in another room) and took photos of as many messages as possible.

I confronted him today and at my request he left where we are staying by himself. He has tried to call me loads and sent me multiple long messages apologising and saying it meant nothing and was stupid work banter which would never go anywhere.

I just don’t know how I can see past the messages. It’s really rude stuff. The colleague is clearly abroad currently and sent him a photo of her at a pool wearing high wedges and swimwear pulled up her arse. DP said he wishes he was there and she asked what would he do if he was. He just casually replies ‘I’d have to eat that arse first’. She says she’s on the cocktails so would let him do anything.

I scrolled back further and they are talking about a work night out which DP couldn’t make but she was on. She was saying she was bored and her and another colleague were rating their top 5 colleagues. DP said he best be first. She said yeah and which of the two would he want to go with first. He replied saying ‘simple problem to solve, her (other colleague) on my face and you riding me’.

They are probably the worst examples. I don’t class that as banter though?!!! It’s full on flirting. There is nothing in there to suggest anything physical.

OP posts:
BitterTits · Yesterday 21:49

I don't know how you could possibly be unreasonable about that. It's a total violation of trust. What a pig.

Sausages123456 · Yesterday 21:50

Yes, that's not banter, sorry x

MxCactus · Yesterday 21:51

God that's horrendous. It's not banter, it's sexting

ItsABatFaceThing · Yesterday 21:51

Well, it would give me a mental image that would never leave me so for that alone, it would probably be game over for me

don’t let bored women on mumsnet tell you what you should do with your marriage though - only you know him. But for most people, it’s pretty much marriage ending

AllTheToddlers · Yesterday 21:53

That’s not banger sorry. If he hasn’t cheated yet he was very nearly there physically. Emotional affair at the least

AtIusvue · Yesterday 21:54

That’s not flirting. That’s Frat house vulgarity.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · Yesterday 21:55

don’t let bored women on mumsnet tell you what you should do with your marriage though

I assume as OP has called him DP and not DH, that they aren't married thank fuck.

I'd get rid OP. Thats absolutely disgusting from him and he's only apologised because he got caught. And Im not telling you to get rid because I'm a 'bored woman on mumsnet', I would say it to anyone who told me this

Newusername2026 · Yesterday 21:55

That's actually revolting and I couldn't be with him after reading that

MoodyMargaret11 · Yesterday 21:56

Could swear I'd seen another thread with a man being "rated" by female colleagues amongst inappropriate flirting.
Is this a trend now?

Sjbythesea · Yesterday 21:57

Sorry, I pressed the wrong button by accident. Totally unacceptable ☹️

RageBates · Yesterday 21:58

That's not banter. It's explicit and vile fantasies.
Utter creep!!

BigBadPotato · Yesterday 22:05

Oh. Lovely. I’d have bet anything that it was completely inappropriate based just on your title but goodness me, that must have been a really awful shock for you, seeing such vulgar messages. I’d be very surprised if nothing physical had happened, it’s very familiar, for want of a better term. I don’t think I could forgive this, honestly.

Brokenoct · Yesterday 22:08

Yes it was shocking to read. I asked why that would ever be appropriate especially at work and he said the team say stuff to each other for shock value and that it’s never taken seriously. Maybe it’s because this woman is attractive and I’m more put out. But I don’t think I’d have been happy regardless of what they looked like.

OP posts:
useyournoodle · Yesterday 22:09

Yes he’s cheating. He wants sex with his colleague and he’s making sure it will happen if it hasn’t already.

Dump him. Move on. Don’t lower yourself by giving him another chance, it won’t be worth it.

LoveItaly · Yesterday 22:10

What’s wrong with all these men, has it always been this bad?

I couldn’t forgive this, it’s a long way from flirting isn’t it.

BitterTits · Yesterday 22:11

Brokenoct · Yesterday 22:08

Yes it was shocking to read. I asked why that would ever be appropriate especially at work and he said the team say stuff to each other for shock value and that it’s never taken seriously. Maybe it’s because this woman is attractive and I’m more put out. But I don’t think I’d have been happy regardless of what they looked like.

He's gaslighting you.

PrincessOfPreschool · Yesterday 22:11

I suppose it may be work banter if they're job is acting in porn. Otherwise, very far from banter. Does he speak to you like that? It's really gross.

useyournoodle · Yesterday 22:12

LoveItaly · Yesterday 22:10

What’s wrong with all these men, has it always been this bad?

I couldn’t forgive this, it’s a long way from flirting isn’t it.

It sure is. I’m late 40s, with my H 27 years and if I discovered this it would be the end of our marriage. It’s unforgivable.

Nikinoo69 · Yesterday 22:12

That’s vile. If it were me, I’d contact HR.

MidsummerMadness91 · Yesterday 22:13

That is absolutely vile. I couldn't trust that he hasn't already slept with her so it'd be over for me.

BEAchDays2 · Yesterday 22:14

Utterly utterly grim

MyLimeGuide · Yesterday 22:15

Oh god what a twat I bet hes ugly too just dump him ASAP

Totaldramallama · Yesterday 22:43

LoveItaly · Yesterday 22:10

What’s wrong with all these men, has it always been this bad?

I couldn’t forgive this, it’s a long way from flirting isn’t it.

Yes it has always been this bad obviously, plus much worse

TerracottaWorrier · Yesterday 22:53

BitterTits · Yesterday 22:11

He's gaslighting you.

Hell yes, he is.

No need to try to make sense of why you're upset, OP. Anyone would be.

Not banter. I would assume they've already been sleeping together from the way he's speaking to her.

DahliaDelights · Yesterday 22:54

Brokenoct · Yesterday 22:08

Yes it was shocking to read. I asked why that would ever be appropriate especially at work and he said the team say stuff to each other for shock value and that it’s never taken seriously. Maybe it’s because this woman is attractive and I’m more put out. But I don’t think I’d have been happy regardless of what they looked like.

the team say stuff to each other for shock value

Absolute bullshit.

He was on his way to cheating if he got the opportunity. What you do with that is up to you. Personally id be done. Couldn't ever trust him to keep it in his pants after that. Trust gone, its dead in the water