AIBU to see these messages as more than work banter?

[Brokenoct]

I’ve changed my username because some posts I’ve made previously are possibly identifying.

I have discovered messages between my DP and a work colleague. On the 2nd night of 4 nights away in the UK.

I thought he was acting strange yesterday and being odd with his phone. I looked at it when he fell asleep last night (we are in a lodge and he left it on charge in another room) and took photos of as many messages as possible.

I confronted him today and at my request he left where we are staying by himself. He has tried to call me loads and sent me multiple long messages apologising and saying it meant nothing and was stupid work banter which would never go anywhere.

I just don’t know how I can see past the messages. It’s really rude stuff. The colleague is clearly abroad currently and sent him a photo of her at a pool wearing high wedges and swimwear pulled up her arse. DP said he wishes he was there and she asked what would he do if he was. He just casually replies ‘I’d have to eat that arse first’. She says she’s on the cocktails so would let him do anything.

I scrolled back further and they are talking about a work night out which DP couldn’t make but she was on. She was saying she was bored and her and another colleague were rating their top 5 colleagues. DP said he best be first. She said yeah and which of the two would he want to go with first. He replied saying ‘simple problem to solve, her (other colleague) on my face and you riding me’.

They are probably the worst examples. I don’t class that as banter though?!!! It’s full on flirting. There is nothing in there to suggest anything physical.

I mean, what he's doing is cheating, even if that's all he is doing. There's a simple rule about cheating - would you do it in front of your partner? If the answer is no, it's cheating. There are levels of cheating course, but every type of cheating is intended to lead to one thing - sex.

Your husband is disgusting.

Cheating. Absolutely no ambiguity here. And instead of remorse, he’s gaslighting. Vile man.

yes your husband talking about riding one colleague and one sitting on his face is definitely more than work banter!

If you don’t have kids I’d be tempted to divorce him.

It’s never banter with a fat man from accounts is it.

if course it’s not acceptable!!!
hugs for you op xxxx

Banter = HR would think nothing of it if it was in teams messages.

Why if they don’t have kids?!

OP, I really comment on these but seriously- LTB.

Thats not banter. Its inappropriate, unprofessional and could be considered sexual harassment. His " banter" could get him the sack for gross misconduct. Banter isnt sexual and doesn't need to be hidden from your partner. You partner is laying the ground work to cheat or is already cheating. Why dont these men ever have banter with older women or men. Its always just banter with young attractive wome. Dump him @Brokenoct if he wants to "eat her arse" let him crack on. At least he won't be coming home and kissing you with that mouth.

Good grief, what industry does he work in where this would be deemed appropriate? With so many HR policies in force these days covering sexual harassment, I'm stunned that a) he'd think it was ok to speak to a colleague like this and b) that he'd leave himself vulnerable to being sacked by engaging. I would NOT accept my DH speaking with another woman, colleague or not, like this.

It is not banter it's sexting and that alone would make me leave. I do strongly suspect they have physically cheated though. Sorry. You deserve better than him.

perfectly reasonable, not sure why you are asking here to be honest.

he's a silver tongued cavalier to boot

I’m so sorry. I would never be able to trust him again. It would be over for me.

What is your situation if you decide to separate?

Nah, not banter. I’d consider that cheating. I would also be a bit surprised if nothing else has happened.

I wouldn’t be able to trust him on a work night out or anywhere around that woman ever again.

it would be the end for me.

That's not banter. I doubt many people would be saying things like that unless they were already having sex or at the very least wanted to have sex and were laying the groundwork.

This.

It's the fact it's such a vulgar description of what he wants to do with the colleagues, shows he's picturing it/wishing for it.

I knew of someone who played this kind of stuff off as banter, despite having a lovely loyal wife...well eventually he cheated, she left.

Snakes are snakes.

OP I hope you're doing okay. Don't let him BS you!! He shouldn't be engaging in sexual or explicit chat with anyone other than you!

Is she young & attractive? Happened in my office all the time… The men always start it. Sometimes it leads somewhere… If he’s in luck! Not always. But it only takes one work party. Christmas is the worst time for it, of course.

I would send it all to the HR department.
Keep strong op, this is not banter in any shape or form.

Oh come onnnnnn. He wants you to believe that they say it just for the shock factor, for work banter?! In private personal messages to each other, and only to this one young attractive colleague. I’m sure he’s not messaging 50 year old Bob from sales saying he wants to eat his hairy arse. Fucking scumbag, can’t even lie straight in bed.

With all the absolute shite going on in the world, eg the situation with Cornell, we need some clear cut, non-gaslightable tests to cut through the bullshit and show these men for what they are (not suggesting your man is actually a rapist frat boy but similar attitudes are the common theme). It's actually really easy; forget technical definitions of cheating, flirting, banter, whatever, none of that matters. Here's the test: would he be ok with his Mum knowing what he's done? Would he be ok with your Dad knowing? Your Mum? Does he think they'd all be quite happy with that? Does he bollocks! There's your answer, dead simple. I can't tell you what to do with your relationship but I can tell you a man trying to defend that is an absolute shit and you deserve to be treated better.

Op I’m very immature and love a bit of banter and I’ve never once classed someone saying they want to eat my arse as banter, I wouldn’t say I want to eat someone else’s arse as banter either. Your husband’s vile and he’d be retrieving his phone from his arse if he was mine wtf!

Holy christ i usually think people here get their knickers in a twist over nothing.But this is unbelievable. There's no way I would stay with that guy.

Eww, absolute pig. You’re right, that absolutely isn’t banter.

At this point, if this were me, I wouldn’t even want some mindless dick who slathers over anything in a bikini and texts other women like that. Any feelings toward him would disappear like the closing of a steel trap for the sake of my own integrity.

Let him go, don’t look back. You deserve better.

If it’s normalised banter then why hasn’t he done it to other colleagues and you?! Why was his first instinct to run away?! I don’t believe a word he says! He fancies her and is making sure she knows it. He is a disgusting pig!