AIBU to see these messages as more than work banter?

[Brokenoct]

I’ve changed my username because some posts I’ve made previously are possibly identifying.

I have discovered messages between my DP and a work colleague. On the 2nd night of 4 nights away in the UK.

I thought he was acting strange yesterday and being odd with his phone. I looked at it when he fell asleep last night (we are in a lodge and he left it on charge in another room) and took photos of as many messages as possible.

I confronted him today and at my request he left where we are staying by himself. He has tried to call me loads and sent me multiple long messages apologising and saying it meant nothing and was stupid work banter which would never go anywhere.

I just don’t know how I can see past the messages. It’s really rude stuff. The colleague is clearly abroad currently and sent him a photo of her at a pool wearing high wedges and swimwear pulled up her arse. DP said he wishes he was there and she asked what would he do if he was. He just casually replies ‘I’d have to eat that arse first’. She says she’s on the cocktails so would let him do anything.

I scrolled back further and they are talking about a work night out which DP couldn’t make but she was on. She was saying she was bored and her and another colleague were rating their top 5 colleagues. DP said he best be first. She said yeah and which of the two would he want to go with first. He replied saying ‘simple problem to solve, her (other colleague) on my face and you riding me’.

They are probably the worst examples. I don’t class that as banter though?!!! It’s full on flirting. There is nothing in there to suggest anything physical.

Oh yuk. I'd be done. I'm sorry youre going through this.

I a sorry you had to see that. He sounds vile.

I agree with other posters, it’s vile and beyond inappropriate.

Only you can decide if you can put this behind you. Relationships survive worse than this, but I should imagine it will be very difficult for you to trust him again without a lot of hard work on his part.

Your partner is sexting a coworker and is doing it while he's on holiday with you and she's abroad. Sexting is cheating in my book. If they haven't already had sex, they sure want to.

How old is this Prince?

That would be an immediate dump. If he wants to sext other women, I'd set him free to do as he pleases.

Ach, I’m sorry to hear this. What a complete arsehole.

Banter isnt sexual messages trying to have a sexual encoubter eith a co worker is it?
Christ what a sleaze bag.
Yuck.

Some pretty sick workplace..i wonder what management would do reading such shit.
Never funny or ok for those of us who have standards.
Shock value...some sort of 30yr old wana be shite.

Disgustingly sexually explicit, would he have made those comments to a male colleague?

Not banter at all. Disrespectful - his messages are preparing him for cheating on you. I think completely unacceptable

There is no workplace on earth where this is typical banter between colleagues. In fact there is no scenario, colleagues or otherwise, where this is anything but sexting. This is classic gaslighting - you couldn't find a better example of it, tbh.

If you can find similar messages to his male colleagues then yep for sure it absolutely is banter.

Exactly. Absolutely batshit crazy gaslighting shit from the slimeball

It's not banter. It's sexting. If I found out my husband had exchanged messages like this with another woman, I'd kick him out on the street and throw his stuff out after him! Don't doubt yourself OP, what he's done is a dealbreaker and he's now trying to gaslight you that you're overreacting. You're not.

That is gross, disrespectful to you, and not banter.

He sounds revolting

This takes me back to the early 2000s. I worked in an office that was basically a glorified call centre, lots of 20 somethings. Came to find out that a few of the men produced a ranking of all the women to decide who was the fittest one that week and circulated it to all the other men in the office (excluding a few of the more senior managers).

Sad and pathetic. I’d like to hope things like this were a thing of the past, but some people are just grim!

OP - I’d get rid. That’s not banter, it’s overtly sexual flirting and for me it would cross a line that I couldn’t forgive.

Yea this is defo cheating as he wants to have sex and is betraying you and your dignity by brazenly flirting with her. If she offered it on a plate he would take it.

What has he said about his plans OP? Has he handed in his resignation to save your relationship?

Would he be happy if you sent a picture of yourself to a male colleague in wedges with your bikini up your arse?

I've never ever heard of setting between colleagues that doesn't go anywhere.

He was clearly going to be shagging her if not caught out.

Oh it’s just such banter. I’m a top law firm and we constantly message each other about how we’d fuck each other. Is it even a.l good workplace if you don’t!

Oh yeah, yeah, that’s definitely a thing.

Just ask him to show you the photos where Brian sent him a photo of himself wearing a thong and where your H joked about wanting to rim him before being pegged.

Or how about the banter between him and Janet who’s old enough to be his nan? Have a peek at the banter between them where he’s joking about going down on her.

No? None of that? How strange…..

Because if it’s just banter and they “all” do that for shock value, there won’t just be conversations between him and an attractive female colleague will there?

I’m so sorry OP. Take your time and think about what you want to do. But please don’t think for a second this is just harmless banter. This is exactly what it looks like…..it’s the run-up to a full-blown physical affair.

If he can’t even be honest with you then there’s literally nothing more to say to him.

What a cunt. I hope you have support in real life 💐

The sexting is bad enough in itself to dump him.

But the real issue is the lack of respect he has for you. He thinks you're gullible and stupid and will buy that load of bullshit he tried on you.

Your partner just sounds like an absolute arse. Whatever do they all do for a living .