Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to see these messages as more than work banter?

123 replies

Brokenoct · 03/10/2026 21:47

I’ve changed my username because some posts I’ve made previously are possibly identifying.

I have discovered messages between my DP and a work colleague. On the 2nd night of 4 nights away in the UK.

I thought he was acting strange yesterday and being odd with his phone. I looked at it when he fell asleep last night (we are in a lodge and he left it on charge in another room) and took photos of as many messages as possible.

I confronted him today and at my request he left where we are staying by himself. He has tried to call me loads and sent me multiple long messages apologising and saying it meant nothing and was stupid work banter which would never go anywhere.

I just don’t know how I can see past the messages. It’s really rude stuff. The colleague is clearly abroad currently and sent him a photo of her at a pool wearing high wedges and swimwear pulled up her arse. DP said he wishes he was there and she asked what would he do if he was. He just casually replies ‘I’d have to eat that arse first’. She says she’s on the cocktails so would let him do anything.

I scrolled back further and they are talking about a work night out which DP couldn’t make but she was on. She was saying she was bored and her and another colleague were rating their top 5 colleagues. DP said he best be first. She said yeah and which of the two would he want to go with first. He replied saying ‘simple problem to solve, her (other colleague) on my face and you riding me’.

They are probably the worst examples. I don’t class that as banter though?!!! It’s full on flirting. There is nothing in there to suggest anything physical.

OP posts:
RowsOfFlowers · 04/10/2026 12:17

What the actual f have I just read. There’s no way in hell that is banter. Relationship ending I’m afraid.

TwinklyAmberSloth · 04/10/2026 12:21

@Brokenoct that's not banter. That's way over the line!!

I worked in a male dominated environment and 'banter' would be comments on the attractiveness of someone, or they wouldn't say no to... but a direct chat with the actual person in question and sending thong bikini photos is absolutely NOT banter.

stillhiding1990 · 04/10/2026 12:22

Your husband is a pig

theretheirtheyre2026 · 04/10/2026 12:32

This isn't banter. This isn't flirting. This is full on sexting.

SleepyWhippetMum · 04/10/2026 13:10

This is 100% cheating!

He's giving her the impression he wants to have sex with her, whether or not he really would go through with it (which he 99% would in my experience of the amount of affairs that have gone on at my various workplaces). This is so disrespectful to you. Please don't let yourself be treated like this.

LTB

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/10/2026 13:12

That's certainly not any work banter that I have come across. I've worked in some dodgy places.
He is a cheat.

Therealjudgejudy · 04/10/2026 13:17

That's not banter. He wants to sleep with her. Shocking messages. Leave him.

grindergirl · 04/10/2026 13:51

OP, you might as well call it quits. You will never be able to forget what you have seen...or be unable to stop wondering what new filthy fantasies he is having. No right-minded person wants to share their home and their bed with a lump of shit, and that's what he is

99bottlesofkombucha · 04/10/2026 13:55

That is not banter. That is throw your relationship down the toilet, piss on it and chuck in a handgrenade.

print them out and send them to the company, if that’s normal they’ll be fine. Probably do that, but I’d message back and say have sent to your company but if it’s as common as you say they won’t care so you shouldn’t worry about it.

Balloonhearts · 04/10/2026 13:56

If he hasn't slept with her it's not for lack of trying, is it? It would be over. You have to respect yourself, because he doesn't.

SENsupportplease · 04/10/2026 14:09

That’s not banter that’s cheating. Imagine if you sent messages about eating another man’s dick. Totally out of order.

I’m sorry he has done this and hope you have the strength to move on.

user1464187087 · 04/10/2026 14:26

Nikinoo69 · 03/10/2026 22:12

That’s vile. If it were me, I’d contact HR.

What are HR going to do about it? It's 2 consenting adults. It's surely not HR's problem that he has a partner. This is a genuine question.

Chilly80 · 04/10/2026 15:50

Work banter happens at work. It does not happen when you are away with your significant other.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/10/2026 16:01

1983Louise · 04/10/2026 10:23

I know it's an old saying on here but I bet he wouldn't have said that to Nigel from accounts department. That's really horrible plus he seems to think a lot of himself, you deserve better x

Good point. Is his phone full of similar 'banter' with 64 year old Marie in purchasing?

I'll take any bets it isn't.

StockingsByTheFire · 04/10/2026 16:14

OP I was at the garage the other day and a man behind me in the queue said: "Lovely boots" (I was wearing some very fancy boots which most people notice, but usually only other women compliment) so I turned and said "thank you". He replied, "they match your lovely smile."

That's flirting. And fair play to him, one of the nicest interactions with a stranger I've had in some time.

Had he leant over and said "I'd love to eat your ass and you can sit on my face" I would likely have screamed, found the staff, and called the police. It's very very very much not flirting. Your husband is a disgrace.

neilyoungismyhero · 04/10/2026 17:01

I read posters telling other posters to leave their relationships and think easy for you to give that life changing advice etc. but have just thought how I would feel about this situation - what I would do and how I would feel and I couldn't move on from this one..he's a disrespectful piece of shit and I wouldn't stand for it but only you know the level of your feelings about it all.

TFImBackIn · 04/10/2026 17:24

I couldn't get past that, OP. If he's not cheating then he's desperate to.

Nikinoo69 · 04/10/2026 18:07

user1464187087 · 04/10/2026 14:26

What are HR going to do about it? It's 2 consenting adults. It's surely not HR's problem that he has a partner. This is a genuine question.

It’s 100% an HR issue as this shouldn’t be going on in a workplace. It could be classed as harassment if someone later decides they don’t like it and wants to take it further.

Oxo01 · 04/10/2026 19:37

Nikinoo69 · 04/10/2026 18:07

It’s 100% an HR issue as this shouldn’t be going on in a workplace. It could be classed as harassment if someone later decides they don’t like it and wants to take it further.

Yes so I am sure she will also get pulled up as she's encouraging at the very least.
Not that she has any duty to OP.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 04/10/2026 21:32

Strawberryteabag · 04/10/2026 11:21

Im dying!! 🤣
I actually would stand over him and say "if its just standard banter please message Bob now and tell him you'd like to ride him while Colin sits on his face"

Edited

Funniest advice I’ve ever read on Mumsnet 👍
Cant stop laughing 😂😂

Pedallleur · 04/10/2026 21:38

LoveItaly · 03/10/2026 22:10

What’s wrong with all these men, has it always been this bad?

I couldn’t forgive this, it’s a long way from flirting isn’t it.

Somehow the allure of the phone and messaging seems to take over. I can't understand why they think these messages will be invisible or be classed as banter. If he's saying oh it's just work fun then they are only a short walk from HR should someone take offence. But also there may be a chance of extra curricular sex and no one ever got caught doing that.

herenew · 04/10/2026 21:44

I’d leave him for that! Disgusting

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 04/10/2026 21:50

Hope you're OK OP. This is a rare thread where everyone agrees you should LTB. I hope you have.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page