Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

We also agreed when I was pregnant that I'd have 12 months maternity leave. We've since had a few unexpected expenses come up and he wants me to reduce it to 9 months (to avoid the 3 months unpaid). I told him I don't want to do that. We can afford the 3 months unpaid but it would slow him down in saving for a new car. I told him the other day that I have no intention of reducing my maternity leave to 9 months and he gave me the middle finger and went on about how unfair it is for me to insist on 12 months whereas he as the dad only got 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks annual leave. And he went on about how it's going to be so shit and he'll miss so much when he goes back after a month and I should be grateful for the 9 months.

I feel like my role as the mother and the soeical bond I should have with my baby as the mother is being eroded.

Wtaf hes accused you of hurting your baby infront of his family. I'd take my baby and get out of there to your own family if possible.

Can you go and stay with your mum if she can’t come to you?

I think you need to pack up and go to your mum’s. Book an Uber if you need to. For him there is no we, there’s him and you are there to obey.

HE found it too exhausting?! Errr it’s not all about him. You’ve recently given birth and are breast feeding / pumping. Plus your baby is a tiny baby

Instinct tells me you weren’t engaging with his family enough in his opinion. So he’s punishing you with these allegations. I don’t want to scare you but he’s very out of order. With his orders, turning your house into a hotel etc. Only pump if you want to personally it nearly broke me

A good father recognises the importance of supporting his baby’s key attachment figure and would be doing everything he could to support you.

Just to add to my previous comment, the way he has negatively interfered with you and your baby's breastfeeding could constitute domestic abuse if you are in England or Wales.

Controlling decisions about feeding your baby is coercive or controlling behaviour and undermining breastfeeding could be classed as emotional or psychological abuse.

Please do speak with your HV about seeking help and support. I really hope you have a good HV, if you don't, you can request a different one.

I can hear my son crying so I'm going to have to go and retrieve him from SuperfuckingDad

Go get your baby and feed him directly to your breast xx

What a terrible thing for him to accuse you of. He needs to be quiet because he's doing literal damage to your relationship and possibly pushing ypu toward depressive episodes. Babies ALWAYS scratch themselves like that. Husband needs to check himself. I would guess, however, that thos isn't the first time he's spoken to you like this. And now he's doing it when you are vulnerable. Just awful of him.

If you feel able, perhaps if you indicate area of the country there may be a way someone could help get you to your Mum’s house?

Appreciate that this may break some Mumsnet rules, but I’m unsure.

Don't hide away, go and reclaim your baby. If the shift sleeping isn't working for you, change it. Stand up for yourself and your baby.

Cousins boyfriend!! And you had a baby 2 weeks ago. How inappropriate!

Yes the baby was cluster-feeding and partner got frustrated because he wanted the baby to have one big feed and then a long sleep. I explained to partner that it doesn't work like that and he then came up with the alternating night shift plan as he "couldn't cope" without a 6 hour stretch of sleep each night.

just nod your head and let out the word no

if he doesn't like the "unfairness of it"

id stick up two fingers back

im so cross about this twat you are having to put up with, thinking a baby has to be given expressed milk so he can sleep - talk about selfish and self absorbed

Jesus and please stop catering for these guests. You're 2 weeks post-partum!!

This is shocking. Your partner needs to feed his family, whilst you rest, breastfeed and take your baby out in the pram on your own for some fresh air.

He's a disgrace of a man.

@Aristocack didnt want to read and run.
that first few weeks of a newborn is so so hard. You both just want the best for your baby and as first time parents it can be easy to overreact to things. Is your partner a bit of a catastrophiser anyway?

I do think if this continues it is cause for concern but it could be like others have said that he’s a worrier and also trying to show off how much of a good dad he is - but that shouldn’t be at the expense of making you out to be a shit mum - whether he has meant to or not, definitely the way he spoke about the fingernails and saying twice it wasn’t like that before is really off. I would address it with him tonight to nip it in the bud if you feel safe to do so. Calmly say “whether you meant it or not that came across as if I’d done something wrong in front of your whole family - can you not do that again please. Also you are well aware he needs his fingernails trimmed which you haven’t done”

Finally your partner shouldn’t get to dictate how you feed your baby. I also did a mixture of bf and expressed feeding which was really helpful because my partner was off for 6 weeks and we split the nights BUT it worked for me. I didn’t get a crazy oversupply, I only had to pump in the day as baby wasn’t feeding as much in early days - I certainly wouldn’t be up in the middle of the night purely to pump! You need to rest!!! Also if your partner is going back to work soon and isn’t planning on keeping up with current routine then it’s a bit of a pointless exercise anyway. Definitely also bring this up as it sounds like you don’t like this arrangement and it’s not working for you

Congratulations on your son x

Why are you with this man? The more I learn, the more red flags. He's going to teach your child this nonsense.

Please have a friend pick you up and drive you and the baby.
Or drive yourself if you can. Have a friend help you pack the baby stuff, even the pram.

You need to get away from the toxic environment of your home. Even if your mum isn't able to physically care for you, she can provide a safe, calm environment for you, and it will be wonderful.

Toss the pump into the nearest bin.

Fuck me. He’s a moron, sorry. The baby is not a computer programme. Baby needs mum, baby needs comfort, baby needs to be responded to. Cluster feeding is a biological tool for mum and baby.

He sounds awful. I am so sorry.

Please please get some real life support. It’s not ok what he’s doing.

Agree.

Why are his family stopping for so long amd why on earth are you catering for them?

He doesnt sound a very hands on dad if he couldn't deal with being disturbed by 3hrly feeding of his baby. Are you now awake from 10pm to 4am? Because it sounds an awful lot like hes now making you do the entire night awake whilst hes feeding the baby at what 7am?

Go get your baby. Stop the pumping, you dont need to express milk at 2 weeks old, your waking up to pump just give the baby your boob. Get some advice on dealing with an oversupply, you may need to pump a little until that reduces so you dont get mastitis.

Its madness that you have 3 of his relatives staying 2 weeks post partum, you are catering for them and no one is questioning that? This is all very sinister and I agree you need to protect yourself and your baby.

It’s all about what he wants, isn’t it?