Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Also, how much expressed milk is he feeding? I’d hazard a guess much more than he should be. At two weeks old it’s probably about 2oz a feed only

Bloody hell op. Read your posts. This isn't about making his life easier or how often he is being woken.

What the fuck. In many cultures you wouldn't be lifting a finger.
It's way way too much.

You are dealing with an emotionally immature, self centered, and very abusive man, who is insanely jealous of you.

Your role as a mother is most definitely being eroded. This is because he can't stand what he sees as playing second fiddle to the baby.

This problem will not recede quietly on its own. He will not change. You've seen the real man. He's a man who wants you to orbit around him and only him. He wants you to centre him because his ego can't stand the fact that you have someone else to (rightly) devote all your attention to.

Men like this are dangerous.

You need to get away.

He sounds awful OP. If his sleep is getting disturbed (poor him 🙄) then he can go and sleep on the sofa. Prioritise yourself and baby, you two are far more important in these early days. Then to try to shame you infront of others?! Does he not trust you with the baby? As pp said, your instincts are guiding you, listen to them! A hands on dad who undermines and belittles you isn't great. He sounds selfish and arrogant.

Please, take baby out for that walk. Have yourself a coffee. Find yourself again and do what feels natural to you. He should be doing everything to make sure YOU are comfortable to be the best mum you can be, not creating timetables that work best for him and are more disruptive for you.

Baby comes first, then you, then your 'partner'. Tell him the plan that suits him does not suit baby or you so you are gonna change it. Get health visitor to help you ASAP, and visit your mum if you think it best. He and his family can manage themselves while you get into a good routine for baby and you.

@Aristocack Tell us exactly what you need and want right now and between us, we'll make it happen.

Also if you want to take your baby out in the pram for coffee, take your baby out in a pram for coffee. You dont need your partners permission and you dont have to do everything he says. Feed your baby instead of pumping and hand express a little off the top if necessary. No relative should be expecting a woman 2 weeks post partum to cater for them, your partner can use the time hes been bottle feeding expressed milk to cater for his relatives.

Your partner is in no way being a good dad, and now he wants you to reduce your mat leave because essentially hes jealous? He sounds so incredibly selfish at best.

You need to stop pumping. You are still being woken anyway so you may as well just wake and feed baby. If your DH is not getting enough rest due to baby disturbing him, he can sleep in another room. Your supply will settle down, it is still early days and at the moment your body doesn't understand what is going on. It is too early to be trying to do this type of thing without a medical need. You just need to be in tune with your baby, feed on demand and sleep when you can. Your DH can take baby for a couple of hours in the day so you can take a nap.

My son's dad used to work nights, he would do bathtime in the evening before work and then obviously I would be alone all night. When he came in in the morning, he would take baby for a couple of hours after an early feed so I could sleep in. Then I would get up and he would go to bed. While he was sleeping we would go out for a walk, to a group (although I didn't do this for a few weeks), to visit people etc. It worked well.

I am not going to comment on the rest save to say that your husband is being a twat, but he may just be over-anxious (giving him the benefit of the doubt).

I know we only have a small amount of info but I agree. I got cold shivers reading it. I just want to go get her out. 😔

OP - saying this really gently. Your idea that other women would kill to have a hands on dad like him is not in line with the reality of what’s going on. Is that narrative that he is pushing to you?

And please stand up for yourself. Big hugs.

Please no more catering to the family visiting. Look after yourself and baby.
when mY DC were born DH really wanted to help at night. But I was breastfeeding and so helping at night wasn’t really a thing he could do. It’s ok to say that won’t work for me because I will end up with really painful engorged breasts and the baby crying wakes me anyway.
He can do other things eg nappy explosions.
Also kindly it probably would have been more helpful for him to clean up baby after the poonarmi while you had a shower/changed and then fed baby.
At this tiny age it’s ok for your baby to be with you 99% or the time. Dad’s role is to support that. And to feed you.

Very useful question to ask yourself OP.

This is dreadful. Go to your mum’s.

What did his family have to say ? My mother in law and sisters in law would definitely have piped up in my defence. He sounds like he’s trying to make you doubt yourself at a very vulnerable time. Have u got supportive friends? Family ? That can help you build confidence

I'd go to my mum's too.

No you're not overreacting, you're under reacting..massively.

This selfish, jealous, insecure pig is putting himself before a newborn baby and the mother in multiple ways.

He's interfering in the baby's feeding in order to suit himself.

He's jealous of you maternity leave and wants to shorten it.

He's accusing you of hurting the baby and making weird unfounded accusations to undermine your confidence and the perception of other people in your ability to mother your own baby.

He invited fucking guests to come and stay and be entertained when you were two weeks post partum!! Who the fuck does that??

Is this really the first indication he's given you that he's a controlling psycho?

When he goes back to work you need to pack your stuff and get you and the baby to your mother's. Get some perspective, if you let him start controlling you like this now you'll never get out from under it.

You are under reacting!! Stop!

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You should be supported following the recent birth of your son. It sounds very confusing for you with your husband being judgemental one minute and supportive the next.

Are you close to your family? Could you talk to them about your concerns? Also, I would mention your concerns to your midwife. What is your husband normally like? Is this behaviour new?

Please go to the comfort and safety of your mum. You will cope ok even if she can’t support you as much as she’d like due to other commitments

I agree with this. The baby and you are so much more important right now. Take strength from the responses of all these women x

Your husband is a selfish idiot. Your baby has a stomach the size of a walnut and needs feeding 8-12 times a day. They just don't have the capacity to do 'a big feed'. He is stupid. And wanting you to go back early so he can upgrade his car is unbelievable. He risks trading his family for that new car if he carries on like this.

Having people to stay for so long is not on either - you have a wound the size of a dinner plate to heal from the placenta, the effort of building a human for 9 months, and all the other stuff from the birth to recover from. You also have a baby to bond with and feed and he is trying to make you both fit in with his uninformed and uneducated idea of how a baby, and a mother, should be, His ideas have zero relationship with reality.

Criticising you in front of guests is not on, and is either controlling or a pathetic attempt to big himself up, or both. He should be letting you and the baby do what ever feels right for you. I get that its hard for the dads when you are in a little bubble with the baby, but that's how it is and he needs to man up and prioritise what's best for his child and their mother/his partner.

You sound like you are finding your anger. Good. I am furious on your behalf.

Trust your instincts and do what you think is right. Tell your health visitor / midwife etc what he is doing, and get them to document it, and maybe they can tell him how wrong he is about everything.

Enjoy bonding with your baby, that is all that is important at this stage. Go out with the baby in the pram and have coffee. have a lovely time. You sound like you are doing an amazing job

In addition to my previous messages, I’ve always done all overnights as I’ve BF so there wasn’t much my husband could do.

If you stay at home, make him move to the couch and do the overnights yourself. You do not need to stay up, sleep when baby is sleeping. Feed them when they wake. Then back to sleep. You don’t need to change them unless they’ve done a poo. Keep the lights off. Even easier, if you’re comfortable co-sleep (following the Sleep Safe 7 rules). You literally just need to roll over a bit, pop boob in to feed, go back to cuddle curl.

I still strongly suggest you go to your mum’s or a friend’s though.

All I hear from this is that he’s a controlling prick masquerading as a hands on dad.

Can I just warn you OP that this sounds highly dangerous to me. Your DH, who has relatives from overseas, have descended on you two-weeks after you have given birth and he is being a performative abusive bastard trying to establish a narrative you are making mistakes, negligent with your newborn.

Do you have relatives and family OP? Do you have a network? Do you have a job? Serious alarm bells are ringing. Do not under any circumstances allow his family to take over and to allow your baby to be away from you.