Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

OP leave. Now.

I really hope that when sister and cousin have their own babies - they look back at what they are doing now with absolute shear horror.

well when your fh goes back to work, he can set himself up in the spare bedroom if he needs his bleeding beauty sleep

oh dear, is there a 4 night overlap of relative leading and fh going back to work.. what a shame a few extra nights on the sofa

It's obviously about much more than just one argument. It's a pattern of disturbing behaviour by OP's partner. OP's well-being as a newly post-partum mum isn't even on his list of priorities. He's been kicking OP out of their bed to sleep downstairs on the sofa with the baby while he sleeps peacefully in a double bed (because 'he needs his sleep') and his sister sleeps in the spare bedroom.

He has accused her of hurting their baby and is stopping her breastfeeding her baby. He's an abusive arsehole and leaving him might be the only way to protect herself and her baby.

I hope you're okay, OP. You are at a very vulnerable stage at the moment, but of course you know that. It seems your partner doesn't.

I would not have agreed to have any guests staying in my home for 2 weeks post partum - whether it be my family or my partner's family. Visits during the day of course, if you feel up to it, but no more than that. You need to be in your own little bubble with your baby, this is a critical time for bonding. But it's too late for that now, they are here.

Take yourself and your baby to your mum's for a few days, I would. Your partner gets his 'precious' sleep and can spend his holiday paternity entertaining his family. That's not down to you.

Rest when you can, get out and about in the fresh air if you feel up to it in between resting, and focus on your baby. You are doing a great job BFing, no need to pump and make more work for yourself.

And finally, congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby boy, these early days are magical 💙

Going to take baby out for our walk and coffee this morning and think things over as I feel bullied in my own home.

good idea

not surprised you feel bullied in your own home. Hopefully the sister is there in good faith. Shame your fh is being a price prick

I would really look at ways of suggesting to him you feel bullied in your own home without using those words - as he will become defensive and using other phrases to encourage him to look at his own behaviour

I feel when you rant at my over the frying pan or make comments about missing the baby that we aren't working as a team and that is what is needed right now with the baby. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home with guests, im sure that hasn't crossed your mind but its how its making me feel and upsetting me so can it stop

I agree but what I dont understand is before the sister arrived, that guest bed wasnt being used and OP said she was being made to sleep on the sofa each night with the baby and that has caused shoulder pain issues.

Of course it’s reasonable, my DH is vegetarian so I’d always cook eggs for him in a clean pan if I’d had bacon, it takes seconds to give the pan a wash

I’d hazard a guess that he wouldn’t let OP use the room because it had been made up for his sister. Or alternatively he’s just a controlling arsehole.

The sister is visiting from abroad for 10 days, the boyfriend is with the cousin and I think they’re there for 3 days. Not that that’s the main point here, but I wouldn’t be jumping straight to a custody battle.

As others have said, at 2 weeks PP the OP should be thinking shorter term which is sorting out the sleep
and feeding issues, and getting some space if her partner won’t support that.

Yep. This. What concerns me is that he’s on paternity leave and supposed to be helping OP. Instead he’s prioritising his own needs and making OP’s life a misery at every turn. What on earth is he going to be like when he goes back to work ? OP’s life won’t be worth living. Someone upthread described this kind of abuse as ‘boiling frog’ and it’s very apt.

Agree with Acheyelbows

"Don't let the visitors take priority over your time with your baby."

i cannot imagine having so many people to stay for even one night let alone 3 or 10.

OP "I feel guilty in some ways as he's a very hands on dad and some women would kill to have that. But in other ways I feel like I'm waiting for him to just piss off so I can have my baby back."

No I would not kill for a partner like this. He is not being supportive, he is being controlling!

Surely you dont avoid using a room for a week and half because someone is coming soon? But this is why I asked why the sofa when there is a spare room, is there a reason for it?

Well done OP. Thats really sensible.

OP you are clear sighted and thoughtful. Be protective of yourself. You deserve to be loved and cherished. It may be that your partner is depressed or struggling and it is coming out as poor behaviour BUT it’s much more likely that he is unpleasant and abusive and it is starting to show these behaviours. Take care OP. Everything can be sorted if the second scenario is true

He sounds like an arsy cunt at best. Was he always like that?