Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Please be honest with midwife and any other health professionals you see. It may be super important going forward to have a record of your experiences around this man.

I agree with all of @AshCullen1894's post but I want to highlight the above part.

This situation might get worse and he might try and describe you as a terrible parent to professionals, so make sure it's noted now that he is behaving this way towards you.

I also agree with a pp that you should take photos of your baby's scratches so you can prove it's only the baby's nails that caused the marks.

His expectations simply aren’t realistic or fair for you and baby. Baby us too little to go so long without a feed, stomach size is still quite small

Oh I can’t think of anything worse… when I had my baby I spent a couple of days in hospital getting breast feeding sorted, My partner had a couple of days off and was honestly a pain in the arse - I was so glad when he was back at work and I could just sit and feed without him watching, and nagging about going out for walks etc! They don’t get it at all… we just need to sit, and feed our babies and relax!! We want to be left alone!
Today… tell him you’re not expressing anymore as it’s exhausting for you and isn’t benefitting you at all as you’re now having to set alarms to express!! Disturbing breast feeding, stopping baby latching properly again etc…. You’d be better off sleeping in a different room with baby so he isn’t disturbed… or even better he sleeps in a different room and leaves you and baby to establish a routine… or he just man’s up and wakes when you wake, I mean he’s off work anyway so why can’t he just wake for a few minutes every feed and just rolls over and goes back to sleep… eventually he’ll just sleep through it… in fact buy him some ear plugs while you are out on your own tomorrow having that coffee with your baby!!!!
Tomorrow… get up, shower, feed baby, put him in pram and excuse yourself… announce to everyone you’re taking baby out so you can both get some fresh air, say you’d like to be alone if anyone offers to come with, and leave…. Put your phone on silent and enjoy your walk and coffee!!
make a regular thing of this, tell partner you need that time, just you and baby out.. peace and not having to run around making food/drinks for him or guests. Just peace, fresh air on your face etc.
could you ask him to cancel his annual leave? Suggest he takes it later when baby is doing more??

OP also try hand expressing in the shower to help with any engorgement the pump may have caused. 💐

Sorry this is so long and I may be projecting a bit here, OP. But honestly this is ringing huge fucking alarm bells for me!!!!

From what you’ve posted, it doesn’t sound like he’s particularly focused on what’s best for you or the baby. It sounds like a lot of it is about what suits him, what he wants, and keeping control of the situation.

I’m saying this as someone who has been through similar. I had PND and anxiety after having my baby, but I was still a bloody good mum. I always have been. No matter how awful I felt inside, my baby was cared for, loved, safe, and everything I did was with his best interests in mind.

But when the relationship ended and we started discussing co-parenting, my mental health suddenly became a weapon. His dad used my postnatal depression and anxiety against me and tried to create a narrative that I wasn’t capable, despite the fact I had been the one doing pretty much everything from day one.

He even used the fact our baby was bottle-fed as an argument for why he should have 50/50 care when he was still tiny, regardless of how distressed our baby was being away from me. He knew I didn’t have much family support while he had lots of family locally, and suddenly that became another thing used against me - his family became heavily involved in caring for the baby, and then that involvement was used as further evidence for why he should have equal care.

By the time I realised what was happening, the narrative had already been built with his family and other people around him. When we separated properly, he was absolutely ruthless about it, and I was so worn down that I didn’t know how to fight it. Years later I’m still having to co-parent within a dynamic where control is a massive issue.

I’m not telling you this because I think your situation is definitely going to become mine, because I obvs don’t know enough about your life to say that. But some of the things you’ve described - particularly his focus on his own access to the baby, undermining you and seeming to prioritise what he wants over what you and a 2wo baby actually need are reminding me of my situation before.

I just wish somebody had pointed it out to me earlier or id realised myself , before everything became so nasty, because I might have understood what was happening and protected myself better.

So please just keep your eyes open, trust your instincts, and don’t dismiss things that are making you uncomfortable. I really hope I’m wrong on a this but I wanted to say something rather than scroll past.

Take care of yourself, OP. ❤️

Please ask for advice/help on how to leave him new time you see your medical professional, midwife, health visitor ... they will help you

I think you'd be doing yourself a huge favour by calmly speaking up in front of his family next time he says something critical, something like 'I find it very interesting how you are going out of your way to try to belittle me and paint me as a poor Mother in front of your family when I've done nothing wrong and you had no complaints before their arrival'

You ned to speak up for yourself and call DH out on his behaviour because it is becoming abusive.

Also mention it to family, friends and a professional.

He may be just being over panicky and feels free to complain to close family members but he needs to understand that his behaviour is incredibly hurtful and potentially damaging.

Not sure if anyone pointed this out but it’s so awful he is happy to have his sister staying with you sleeping in a bed while his partner and new mum who has just given birth has to sleep on the sofa!!! Where is his head at???

As others have said or intimated I think you need to start building a case against this man so that ultimately you can get him out of your life. The suggestion to make a log of everything that happens is a very good one, but it's important that he doesn't see it so maybe you could have a document on your phone that he can't access. Make notes which include date time and place, what happened, who said what etc.
You must not tip him off otherwise he will start working harder to try and beat you and get what he wants.
I can't help feeling concerned that he will try to paint you as an unfit mother and take the child back to his own country.

Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree but would he be behaving like this if you had a daughter? He sounds like he might be a very problematic man to raise a son with (I have 2 sons, no daughters for info)

Not that I think his behaviour is acceptable by the way irrespective of any cultural expectations around having boys but just wondering if there’s just good old misogyny at play here.

I think some posters are also thinking in the longer term about your partner’s problematic behaviour but at this point in time with a tiny baby you’re just in survival mode so you need to do the right thing to cope day to day. Stick up for yourself, kick out the guests and feed how you need to just to get through these early weeks

Hello, you don't necessarily need to see perinatal mental health for scary images of your baby - my midwife said that is very normal and part of nature helping us to visualise things so that we keep babies safe, that everyone has it. Though of course if it is causing significant anxiety that is different.

On your issue, do just do what you want. Don't feel beholden to them. Just saying 'popping out for a walk in case anyone fancies it' and go.

Your partner sounds very childish. Has he always been this way or is tiredness making him behave stupidly? I really wouldn't put up with it. I think you should be very clear - 'it is not acceptable to make comments that make it sound like I have harmed baby.' 'It is not acceptable to prioritise your comfort over mine and baby's'. 'It is not a race to the bottom - you shouldn't be trying to restrict my maternity leave because yours is short, that isn't my fault.'

Just focus on you and baby. I hate to say this as you are vulnerable and exhausted but I wouldn't be surprised if you decide this guy isn't a keeper and end up dumping him. He doesn't sound like a good life partner.

No and I’d have responded to his rant that ‘if he ALWAYS does that anyway then what is the issue in you asking!!’
when he tells you to shut up or belittles you next time - say to his sister… god I hope when you have a baby your partner speaks to you in a kinder manner!!!

Congratulations on the birth of your baby OP

sorry to say yours are the most disturbing posts I've read from a mother 2 weeks post partum

your partner has no clue how to look after a newborn yet he persists in setting rules and rather than be supportive he undermines and bullies you at every opportunity

please let your HV and midwife and GP know asap how he is treating you

and don't ever let him take baby out of the house without you being there

he is not to be trusted

I agree with @1coconut2coconut3coconut4
From your posts op it does sound as if this man backs down when you stand up to him, so that's in your favour. That you have to stand up to your partner at a time like this is obviously very very far from Ideal. He ought to be cherishing and indulging you instead he's acting like a spoiled child🤬
I am sending you some mother Bear energy🐻⚡

Family for ten nights with a 3 week old baby.. wow you’re a saint! He’s being a prick though!!

My mw would have torn a strip off mine if he’d suggested this. And the HV too. They were both mature, experienced staff who had probably dealt with selfish dickhead dads, which is what yours is.

If you can’t ask his DSis to leave, then I’d still have a word with him firmly when he’s upstairs and it would be along the lines of how he needs to shape up very quickly or your relationship is gone.

You can’t tell people to leave their families and partners when their simply asking for advice on an argument. That’s wild

I can see that he deserves to be told that they are finished if he doesn't buck his ideas up, but my concern would be that he will then start making plans to get custody of the baby and take care of it with his sister and her boyfriend, or some such thing.

Would she not be better off humouring him (whilst still standing up to him and not tolerating his nonsense) ?
I think it would be better for the op if she made sure that she had everything sewn up so that he can't do anything before she starts threatening to leave. Ie make sure he has no leverage whatsoever.
It shouldn't be too difficult to outmaneuver this dickhead, but at the same time there is a lot at stake so she should be as strategic as possible.

Your post has got my heart rate going. I feel for you right now. You know in your heart that what he is going and how his character in now showing itself, is not good at all. Internal alarm bells ringing! You need to protect your mental well being and not question yourself. You know what the baby needs so stand your ground. You could even ask him directly, in front of his family, as calmly as you can muster, ‘why are you questioning me like this? Are you deliberately trying to unsettle me?’ ‘I know what the baby needs’ ‘why are you behaving like this?’ Let him answer. If / when it continues take yourself and the baby away. Stay with your family if you can/ or tell him to give you space and contact your midwifery services and ask for support from them. You’ve just given birth. It is unforgivable the way he is behaving and I am so angry for you!

I think this is a worst case scenario- but good advice nevertheless.

It does sound as though he backs down when OP is assertive. It is just very concerning that OP is having to do this, particularly at two weeks postpartum. He needs to be spoken to very firmly by a professional and quite frankly put in his place., which is last in a household with a new mum and baby.

I don't know what you mean by wild. Of course people can give any advice they wish on an open forum; you're welcome to put forward your own advice, which would be particularly relevant if you have experience of this type of man fundamentally changing who he is. Whilst I may be direct, you can see from numerous responses over 27 pages that I'm not alone in my opinion of this man and where this situation will ultimately end up.

Exactly.

When I had my first, I had my mum there for 2 weeks to look after all 3 of us (I had a very difficult birth) and then DH was there when not working to look after me and the baby.
At night he would get the baby from the cot when she woke, change her nappy and give her to me to feed. He did this without needing to be asked because he loved me and wanted to do whatever he could.
He would then get up at 6 to go to work and never complained.
As the baby got older and I was feeling better I took over the night duties but I know that if I’d asked him to change her nappy he would have, happily.

I’m not saying this to show off or make you feel bad - I’m just saying this is the minimum you should be expecting for yourself. This is what’s normal.

You are being treated very very poorly indeed. I’m so proud of you for standing your ground and staying in the bed - and so angry at your awful, selfish DH.

You are waking up to him now - I’m absolutely sure you will do whatever you need to to protect yourself and your baby from this selfish man.

Of course you can, and you should.