Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Who were you apologising to and why? It was an accident, nothing major occurred and they appear to have massively overreacted. You have not humiliated yourself in any way.

Honestly, pack up some stuff, take your baby and go to your mum. This is such a fragile time in a woman’s life and these people are clearly not on your side. I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with this utter shite.

Your anxiety is making you feel nervous and on edge all the time which is when people make mistakes. You aren't being supported or cared for by your partner and he is looking for things to blame you for which make you more likely to slip up.

You really need to be somewhere else with your baby. You should seriously consider going to your mum's for a while.

It's a non issue, stop worrying about it. It means nothing in the scheme of things. Your partner did worse this morn when he told you to shut up. The driver should check the rear view mirror..was your partner driving? It's his mistake as well.

Op stop apologising - none of this is your fault! I really hope you pack up and get to your mums tonight! You need to get away from these people

Thats does NOT make you a "dick"!! It further confirms your "partner" (shit lot of one) is the cunty dick!! You DO have baby brain and these clowns are doing NOTHING to help you!!! Why are these arseholes not putting the pram in and allowing you to situate the baby?? Im so outrage by this fuckwad I dont know where to begin. LEAVE this horrid situation if these dickhead unfortuante relatives wont and consider options moving fwd w this douchebag. While a new 1st baby is of course stressful, that should come from inexperience and just working through things, not trying to manage on your own and deal w fuckwad behavior from someone who should be one of the most important people in your life. Now that title goes to DC, along with yourself, so look out for what matters most...not this arrogant SOB. Is there a friend you can reach out to irl?
OMFG..now i see he also told you to shut up?? Leave immed...please! You deserve soooo much better

Was he like this before you had the baby? You really need some love and care at the moment and he should be the main provider of this.. It took me 6 weeks after having my baby before i felt vaguely normal. It was an easy mistake to make. If not too outing, what nationality is he. My friends daughter married a Ukranian and his mother expected the dil to do everything. The son had been bought up in a very patriarchal family even though he was born in the UK.

These things happen!!! I forgot to close the boot once when we were going on holidays on the ferry. Thought about a mile from our house that it was a bit chilly, discovered the boot was open and half of our belongings were spread along the road. Thankfully it was about 5:00 a.m. so nothing damaged by other cars. That was about 10 years ago and we still laugh about it now. My husband didn't make me feel stupid or give out about it because you know what, these things happen( and he's not a dickhead)

It really sounds like he's trying to slowly erode your confidence as a mum and make you question everything. In your situation I would honestly be making plans to get out of there sooner rather than later.

I wonder who paid for the pram?

Bless your heart, you really didn’t! My first thought wasn’t for the pram, but rather for why you were the one putting the bags and the pram in the boot in the first place. I would have expected my husband to be doing any lifting of bags and prams in the first few weeks after giving birth!! 🫂

Im sure that there is lots we don’t know about your relationship but honestly, from what you’ve shared in the last 24 hours your OH really does sound like the dick! I hope you can gather some support from your friends and family, this should be such a special time for you and I’m sad to think that your OH is making you feel so bad / sad / upset at a time when he should be making you feel like the most amazing woman on earth. Sending love xxx

Please don't use phrases like "baby brain" in front of your partner. It gives him ammunition.

How long have you been together & do you own or rent your house? Is it in both of your names?

My mum

This. I recognise it well.

Please take a break at your mums if you can.

For some reason after I had put the Tesco bag in the boot

Why didn’t your husband or his sister carry the bags? Do you have any family other than your mum? You need to get out. You are being abused and the abuse will get even worse. Please also speak to a local domestic abuse charity.

Yes there were elements of this before the baby. I am quite clumsy (stupid things like spilling drinks etc) and he doesn't cope with it well. Our first major argument is because I knocked over a cup of tea on the dining table when we were playing a card game with his mate. He stormed upstairs effing and jeffing. His mate was mortified.

@Aristocack this is being exacerbated by having people to stay instead of being you and DP getting into the new way of life (not withstanding that he sounds a bit off, but some of it could be the second language stuff. However, having them around talking in a different language won’t help you anxiety).

I sm sorry he has the traits of someone who could be a gaslighting narc.iI think you need to be careful here. I read comments about going to stay with your family with the baby if you can. Do not ever leave without your child.
.

Wheneber I take the baby upstairs for a feed and he is crying I feel really stressed and under pressure to make the crying stop as soon as possible as I feel like the longer he cries the more they will be judging me. Baby just had a good feed but then started crying again because he had poo'd and as I was changing him my partner came up again to ask what was going on and he did not look happy

It’s not baby brain OP, it’s just a mistake, one that anyone can make whether they’ve just had a baby or not. I’m not sure who you were apologising to or why, but he’s obviously making you feel like you keep messing up, when he should be supporting you and helping you.
I can’t fathom why on earth his sister is even staying with you just after you’ve had a fucking baby! And for them to be talking in their own language while your sat in the back of the car is so unbelievably rude!!
The more you post the more my heart breaks for you. Stop even giving him and his family a second thought, you do what you need to do for you and the baby, that’s all you need to be thinking about. The whole point of paternity leave is for the dad to help their partner who has just given birth, not to be hosting his family and getting as much sleep as he can. Absolutely unbelievable!

These things happen, nothing to beat yourself up about. It's a lot having that many visitors in the house with such a tiny baby and your husband doesn't sound at all supportive. You are on edge, exhausted and stressing when you should just be recovering from childbirth, bonding with baby and establishing feeding etc. and beginning to get into a feeding and napping routine.

Stop apologising FFS. This man is an utter cunt who couldn't even be bothered to lift the pram into the boot and behave like a normal caring husband.

I’ve been reading this in horror. This has all the hallmarks of abuse. You’re extremely vulnerable right now. He is a dangerous manipulator, controller and gaslighter. Please, please tell your mum what is going on and GET OUT OF THERE before it escalates.

This isn't normal, Op.

He is holding you to a standard of perfection he himself couldn't meet.

WHY do you think the term 'baby brain' exists?

We've ALL been there, OP. Having a child does crazy things to your body.

I really think you should pack some things and you and the baby go to stay with your Mum for a few days because you are being BULLIED at a very vulnerable time

You aren't a dick head!
Your 'd'p and his sister are extremely rude too (on top of everything else) to speak in their language in front of you when you don't understand the language. I think you need to tell them to stop doing this in your presence.

@Aristocack have you asked
why he needs to ask you? “Just brought baby up here to change them quietly, it’s quite overwhelming having everyone here and I’m still getting used to things/in pain with my trapped nerve … “

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