Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Well done OP. As well as getting practical and emotional support from your mum, you must MUST get this documented by your health care team. And keep your own detailed notes, if this becomes a police matter they need times, dates and details.

I know this to my own cost. My ex husband abused and controlled me and the children over years but in the end it “ didn’t count “ as I didn’t have the details of individual incidents . It’s was just my word against his and of course his word was worth more as he’s a man.

Whereas in the end, he got charged with one relatively minor thing ( compared to the rest ) because I had the exact date, wrote down the details at the time and had photos of my injuries. And he slipped up and said things in front of a witness.

I know you are probably thinking “ the police, charges, no way it will come to that, my partner is a decent man , just a bit tired / strict etc “. No one thinks it will happen to them and abuse usually starts after the first baby / during the first pregnancy .

I could have got out a lot sooner if I had not minimised and excused away each small incident. I was the classic frog in boiling water.

BTW my ex was a professional, white British man with a PhD and a well paid job in a sector adjacent to the criminal justice system. Not the stereotype of what people imagine.

No, actually, they're not. They're from women who understand exactly who men like this are.

Have you actually read the OP's further posts, which outline further examples of extremely worrying behaviour and attitudes?

The family need to go, OP. I’d say DH has to go too but let’s give him a tiny bit of grace and say he is feeling pressure to keep his family happy. You are bleeding, leaking and sleep deprived. This is not a time to hang out with the in laws.

OP, the link between having an insidious abusive prick for a partner and deteriorating mental health and anxiety is well known.

Yes, many women can have a touch of the post partum blues, I did, however having a selfish unsupportive partner or husband, is often what tips it over into a more long term illness for SOME women.

This is a very vulnerable time for a woman and we need kindness, consideration and support.

Having a selfish man in our sphere is terribly distressing.

Please do not underestimate the damage he is doi g to you and your baby.

Separating you from the baby to suit his sleeping is absolutely barbaric, as is you being on the sofa.

Please, please tell your health visitor, your gp.

Get this on record.
You are being bullied.
I hope you go to your mothers and FLEE HIS DOMESTIC ABUSE OF YOU.

THIS IS DOMESTIC ABUSE OF A VULNERABLE NEW MOTHER.

I generally refrain from shouting but this is horrendous to read.

It's not a good idea at all to let the OP's partner know about this thread, it might make things much worse for her if she gives her partner any inkling she's been discussing his awful behaviour towards her, and that people have been advising her to leave.

OP, I agree with this post,
DO NOT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD. Terrible advice.

Do not show him this thread.

For goodness sake.

Absolute madness to suggest that.

This is OP's safe space, which she desperately needs.

She knows he is bullying her.

Take the baby and go to your mum's. While there contact women's aid. This won't get better. You are at your most vulnerable and he should have your back. Photograph the scratches so if he tries to use it against you it's clear they are from the baby's nails. This isn't just about you. If he's bullying you how long until he starts on the baby?

This man is not on your side.

your post reminds me of the early days when my now teenage DC was a newborn with my ex.

I had accusations of neglect because the baby had a dirty nappy after their first night alive - I just hadn’t thought they’d need a nappy change. I was mortified at the time and my ex used it as evidence I was an unfit mother for years.

I recognise the constant questioning of your own behaviour - I did this too. Am I too controlling? Am I being unreasonable? Newsflash- you are not!

think about it - you are sleeping on a sofa 2 WEEKS after giving birth to accommodate someone else.

is it possible to go and stay with your mum for a couple of weeks?

Extraordinary really that the OP and her baby are being pushed out of their own home to accommodate her partner's family members.

I would also add as many pp have suggested, that you need to discuss this with a trained professional.

women’s aid are brilliant. If they can put you in touch with a Case worker who can talk through everything your ex is doing and explain what this behaviour is, it will help you understand.

This. Go to your mums and dont go back. If you cant go to your mums I would honestly present yourself as homeless to the council and get in a hostel. ( its not as daunting as it seems, I fled DV when my babies were 8 months old and 2.6 years old and it was the best thing I ever did for them )

This is just the start. This man is going to tear you down in ways you are not prepared for. Hes already stealing so much of your precious memories with your newborn

You will never get this time back. Never. His behaviour is going to get worse and your going to feel worse.

I wish id left sooner, I could cry when I think back to how tired I was with my tiny newborn and I had a man being horrible to me when I was so vulnerable. I dint really remember my baby when he was tiny but I will never forget how shit I felt and how much I cried

Honestly if you’re waking anyways there’s absolutely no point in you doing this!
Your partner is likely enjoying telling everyone what a great person he is taking the 4am -10am feeds. I suspect he told you to sleep in and then told his family how he’d been up since 4am but you are laying in!! He’s enjoying making out to family that he’s doing the lions share and that you’re not coping!!

Take the baby and go to your mums. Pack the essentials and go for a walk with the baby on your own and get someone to come and pick you up. Or get a taxi if needed. And go stay with your mum for now.

He is not on your side and is doing everything possible to undermine you in front of his relatives. If they are not actively standing up for you then they are not on your side.

please go stay with your mum and leave this vile man. The abuse will only escalate from here.

Your only 2 weeks in, hes going to get worse not better

@Pineneedlesincarpet it really is awful.

though her environment doesn’t seem safe.

What protected me from my ex’s abusive ( I now realise) behaviour was that I was close to my family, and it was my parents who came to visit for extended periods of time. They were able to call out some of his shitty behaviour, and in retrospect, it really helped knowing I wasn’t going mad and he was the arsehole.

Stop doing this! This is so uncomfortable for you and isn’t benefitting you at all!!
Tell your partner that this arrangement isn’t helping you at all, it’s actually making you more work !! If he’s any sort of support he’ll understand.
Also who cares if you getting up to feed baby disturbs him? He can just roll over and go back to sleep surely?!
when you are each downstairs with baby where is baby?? In your arms? In a cot? I do hope neither of you are laid on sofa with baby! Babies suffocate on sofas!
Culd you get one of those co-sleeping cots that attach to your side of the bed @Aristocack ? I co slept with my baby and she pretty much woke, I gave her my boob and we both went back to sleep once she was done, husband never even heard her!

Hey OP, i hope you and little one have a lovely walk.
If you havent registered baby already/decided on names, please do not let him dictate this. Remember baby can also have your surname if you wish. He is already disrupting your bond, don't let him lay down any rules about registering or names.
Also its rude they won't speak English to each other around you. I definitely think he wants his family to think bad of you, please be careful and as everyone has said let midwife/hv/gp know. You can always send an email if you can't talk freely. Hope you and the baby have a great day, stay strong. 😊

Definitely. Something stinks.

How selfish is his sister setting up camp for 10 days in your home during such a difficult time? She needs to find somewhere else to stay so you and partner can have a bedroom each. He also needs to wake up and see where his priorities should be - ie on his partner and child, not his bloody family!

If you spoke to the HV I’m sure they would agree about guests staying too long causing tension at a time when you should be hanging out in a dressing gown and recovering

Not surprised you are anxious given how deeply selfish and uncaring your husband is. Please be honest with midwife and any other health professionals you see. It may be super important going forward to have a record of your experiences around this man. I feel sick from reading this thread. The bullying alone is abusive.

I hope you've had a lovely walk out with your little one...a small pleasure now and a lovely memory for later (my kids are now old enough to call little kids kids!)

Something else to think about, is that although my XH started being really abusive (like yours) when DS was born, I realise that actually he had been nasty for a very long time before then, I just hadn't realised. I think you may find the same.

You're not married to him which is a good thing, gives you more choices - as a PP said the baby doesn't even have to have his name if you've not done that already.

Get yourself out of there lass, you and the small one deserve a lot better.

This is definitely a matter for Women's aid to advise and support you.

Keep telling your mother everything.

Agree with everyone saying this stinks to high heaven OP. This man is dangerous to your safety (physical and mental) as well as your newborn's. Do you have any family or friends you could confide in and monitor the situation very closely?