Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

It is reasonable for you to expect your breakfast to be made in a clean pan!

if you feel able can you get the sister alone and ask her how she felt about those comments because he has started to put you down and this only coincided with their arrival.

Chrispy bacon or no bacon is secondary to the fact he tells you to shut up in this scenario. I can only imagine he wasn't exactly a caring polite prince before you had a baby.

Honestly, I think you need to pack up a bag of your things, your baby’s things and get yourself to your mums house.

whether or not you were in agreement with the plan when it was made, it’s completely inappropriate for you to be hosting so many people for so long after having had your first baby. Your partner is behaving like a bit of a bully - we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s because he is tired too, because you do muddle along in a blind tiredness when you have a new baby, but having extra people there must make it so much more difficult

So you either need to call the visit short or get out yourself until the house is just the three of yours again, and then work out where you go from there

If my brother was speaking to his wife like this 2 weeks after she had given birth I would absolutely tell him about himself. He is humiliating you by putting you down in front of his family. His behaviour is extremely alarming.

So glad you have stood up to him. Don’t stop. He is an evil, manipulative man.

This x 100!

When my babies were tiny and my DP was on leave my only job was to sit on a sofa or lay on a bed breastfeeding, he brought me everything I needed and did most of the nappy changes.

Neither of my births was straightforward and I think my DP was just pretty much in awe of what I’d gone through and keen to support and help take the strain wherever he could (don’t get me wrong, years later he talks about the lack of sleep like he survived a war, but at the time he just got on with it!)

Thank you everyone for the support. My local support is very limited but I do want to assure everyone my mum is in the loop. Her ability to support practically is limited due to being a full-time carer and not driving but she does have a spare room and we have a close family friend who can pick us up if things escalate. I'm definitely not ignoring all of the advice on this thread. Going to take baby out for our walk and coffee this morning and think things over as I feel bullied in my own home.

I already have a referral pending to peri-natal mental health as I've had severe anxiety over news stories involving children (there's been some very high profile abuse stories in the news this year) which were leading me to having panic attacks and having horrible images of "what if it was my baby" in the position of the children in the news stories. This has been an issue since pregnancy. When they call me next week to do the triage I'll also mention the issues with partner.

What the actual fuck have I just read here? 😠

This man is organising YOUR bonding and feeding time, so that he gets 6 hours sleep (hes on paternity leave, not a fucking holiday). 😠

He pointedly asks you and accuses you about marks on his face IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE - this is fucking demeaning at best, abusive at worst. 😡

Then he has family stay over and not only huffs at the idea of sleeping on a couch and begrudgingly gives you and baby the bed (you've not long given birth), 🫩
Then he performs a kiss on the head and (Mr Jekyll & Hyde) Superdad doubles down on you because you dared to ask him to rinse a bloody pan? 😤

NO, NO, FUCKING NO.
He is grinding and grinding you down.
He is posingand showing off for his family.
He is treating this kid like an accessory (handbag) to show off on video calls
This is an insecure first time dad performing to cover his insecurity up - AT YOUR EXPENSE

JUST FUCKING NO.
HE IS A CHEEKY CUNT!

I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.
You should be getting supported and waited on hand and foot, not hosting fucking guests 😒
I would be tempted to pack me and the baby up and piss off to my mother's to stay for a bit, so you can get some peace with your newborn.

Your partner is not on your team. He is a PRICK and you need to have a good think, away from this man and see if this is what you want long term OP.

Congrats on your baby. You are doing a fantastic job. I hope you have a lovely weekend. 🫂 @Aristocack

The night shift may be working well for him, but it's not working well for you or baby. If you're becoming engorged it will be difficult for baby to latch and you may end up with mastitis which is very painful. You need to push back and find a system that works well for you. A common approach is for a new Mum to go to bed with baby when they first settle for a long sleep whilst Dad stays up and deals with the first feed of the night around midnight then brings baby to bed. Mum then deals with the rest of the feeds through the night and Dad takes baby for a while at 6am so Mum can get a bit more sleep. It also matters less whether DH wants to use formula - what is important is what you want, because you're the one producing the milk otherwise! Is there someone in DH's family that would support you to put this in place? If not I'd get out of there and go and stay with your parents if they can support you better.

PS - with newborns I found it easier to gently nibble their nails to shorten them rather than use nail clippers.

This is actually quite an upsetting thread. OP I'm horrified for you. A baby needs quiet and calm in the first few weeks to get to know its parents particularly its mother. With so many people in the house it will be unsettled, especially if you are more stressed than the average new mother (which in my experience was pretty stressed!). I think your partner needs to get a grip of himself and stop acting like a selfish twat. And kick all the bloody guests out.

There were also those little mittens although they never stayed on really. That may have been mentioned already.

Yes please be careful with the clippers it’s way too easy to make a mistake. Use mittens for now and as another poster suggested nibble rather than cut. Don’t do either in the company of your partner as he seems like he is looking for ways to judge you. You could also get a baby nail file.

He really sounds like he is trying to find a way to get you out of the picture.

I can’t get over the fact that you had a baby two weeks ago, you have a house full of his family, a trapped nerve in your shoulder and he told YOU to sleep on the sofa.

Stick to your guns OP!

Yes this is a very unsettling thread - OP please make your partner read this thread - he needs to know how awful he is. He seems to go out of his way to make a point of being awful and at very worse time for you and DS..

This thread makes an upsetting read OP. I know you’ve told your DM what’s going on but you must also tell your HV, GP, and midwife how he is behaving. Make sure it is documented. Don’t wait until you see the perinatal team.

Good that you stood up for yourself at breakfast - but keep doing this - challenge anything unreasonable or obnoxious that he says or does.

Ultimately, I think you should pack your bags and go to your DM’s and seriously reconsider your relationship. Whatever you do, don’t even contemplate having more DC with this man so get your contraception sorted.

As an aside, his cousin & partner must be pretty thick if they think it’s appropriate to camp out at your house when you have a tiny newborn.

He sounds really awful OP, a really horrible man. I also can’t believe how he reacted over your maternity leave or that he sent you to sleep on a sofa without your baby.

Was he like this before with his family or did you not meet them that much? I would actually be a bit careful with the sister, you don’t what is being said behind your back and it is odd that no-one is telling him to support you, not criticise you.

Suggest you have a good think OP about what life with this man would be like. Can you go & stay with your mum for a while?

You urgently need a solicitor. Just tell the solicitor what you told us. Also, take your baby away, stay with people who have your back.

OP I think it's an excellent idea that you tell the midwife/peri-natal team, I'm glad you're getting support from them. One thing though, are you going to be able to talk to them honestly next week seeing as you have a house full of people including your husband? It's very important you can talk freely and truthfully without the fear of being overheard. Could I recommend that you maybe go into your car (if you have one) to talk to them (but just use your phone normally, don't connect to the car system as my experience is they're so loud anyone nearby can hear every word), or that you go out and somewhere quiet if you can't. Otherwise on the call you could say that you are unable to talk as you have a lot of visitors and ask for an email address to send the key points too.

I also agree that you need to get things documented with your GP; your concerns about his emotional abuse of you and that your baby is safe and healthy in your care.

This man is dangerous. He is not on your side, and I'm sorry to say he could well do underhand things, like suggesting to professionals that you are an unfit mother or that you have hurt the baby. I guarantee he will use his family as ammunition - 'witnesses' to your instability.

Please, please go to your mum's. A spare room is better than this prison. You have been bullied and abused in your own home while post-partum. How fucking dare he. This is a precious time you will never get back with your baby, and he is robbing you of it for his own selfish convenience.