Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

So, he's a partially hands-on dad but he's not a hands-on husband.

Let's do away with the terminology. He should equally be a dad as much as you are the mother. He didn't birth, he doesn't bleed, he doesn't provide the milk. Therefore you will always be doing the bigger share, for now.

He shouldn't be applauded or given any gold standard medals. Being a Dad should be seen as normal behaviour. Did he stand at your bed while you popped out a baby and applaud you?

Stop looking at him as a trophy dad and start looking at him as a gaslighting, narcissistic and abusive man in your house.

He is self-centred and making it all about himself. He doesn't give a damn about you. He wants his 6 hour beauty sleep so he can look like a hero "dad" when friends and family visit. He doesn't give a damn what you look like. In fact, he is purposely setting you up to look like the unhinged mum.

This really is sinister and disturbing.

Sit him down, tell him how you feel, use comments from this thread but in your own words to tell him this is inappropriate behaviour. Then give him an ultimatum - He behaves, or he leaves.

I would honestly just kick him out and not give him the chance to lull me into a false sense of security, because that's what he's doing.

“the sister is here for 10 nights in our spare room”

So the sister had a bed while you had the sofa for half the night. Whilst recovering from growing and birthing a new human, with a trapped nerve in your shoulder and whilst doing the utterly physically exhausting job of producing milk for a growing human. AND whilst hosting three people.

What the actual? Honestly OP, if I knew you in real life and you texted me with this information I would drive to you, insist on packing up for you and would literally kidnap you and the baby so you could stay in my house and be properly looked after.

Nearly 2 1/2 thousand people have voted and 97% say you are not unreasonable. We know there is one person who accidentally voted you are U so we can bump that up to at least 98% I reckon.

I hope that the responses you have had on here help you to further find your voice to say ‘no’. Well done on getting your bed back (a very very basic need at this time in your life). I’m so glad you had some lovely cuddles with your baby.

Tell the four of them this from me;

“This woman has just grown and birthed an entire new human. None of you can understand the exhaustion and impact of this on your body. None of you can understand how exhausting breast feeding is either. Creating a complete food to grow another human. So I can forgive what has happened so far.

However, from here on in, this new mum needs you to do the following (so that she can use her energy to heal her body post birth, heal her shoulder, bond with this new baby that has come into the world wanting her smell and voice mostly and needing to feel that security of being close to her, and do the incredibly exhausting job of breastfeeding);

1. Rethink sleeping arrangements. Her sleep and rest are paramount. Dad next. Guests third.
2. You all need to do the cooking, cleaning and laundry so the OP doesn’t need to. Make sure she has nutritional and enjoyable food.
3. when she is feeding the baby, dad, you need to ensure she has drinks and snacks to hand. Breastfeeding makes you incredibly hungry and thirsty
4. You need to ensure she feels confident in her new role as mother. It’s a very vulnerable time for new mums. Hormones run wild. So be kind and compassionate.

If you can’t do the above or don’t want to, then you need to fuck off and leave her alone to invite people in who can and will.”

I have to say OP that I am feeling pure hatred towards your husband. Yes he’ll be tired. Yes he’s a new dad. But lots of new dads are and aren’t abusive in this way.

Try to ignore him, he is being performative in front of his family and then snapping when you don't play along.

Well done on standing your ground and having the bed last night, continue with that. He can have the camp bed in the dining room when the cousins leave.

Try to make use of his sister as she will be there longer. Is he usually nicer to you or is this bickering normal? His family are seeing him be nasty..don't feel that you are doing anything wrong by asking for breakfast the way you like it.

He will probably lose interest when the family aren't watching or expecting video calls..like when he slept through last night and didn't help at all.

These comments are ridiculous. You don’t tell someone to leave a marriage/long term relationship with children because of one incident of less the perfect behaviour. That’s not how relationships work. He’s being a dick and yes his behaviour is worrying but he’s also a new dad and clearly an anxious one and taking that out on his partner isn’t ok but you discuss it first and try to work things out rather than giving up the minute one person acts like a dick, we all act like dicks sometimes!

How much time have you spent with his family before now? Has he got form for running you down in front of them, or is this new?

It seems weird behaviour, and quite performative. You mentioned the kiss being performative, but it sounds like finding fault with your behaviour is some kind of show for the sister’s benefit.

He sounds really hostile. I’d honestly have left by now.

There is no reasoning with a man like this, they will always spin it around and make you out to be an emotional crazy lady.
The best solution is just to pack bags and leave.
Unfortunately they have a baby together now so he will probably have 50/50 custody. Op needs to speak to a healthcare professional ASAP and say she feels her husband is being emotionally abusive to her.
She will at least be able to get away from him for a while as she is still the primary care giver until she sorts her affairs out.

Op you need to stand up for yourself, if you won't tell his family to leave you in peace, at least take the baby and go see your mum for a break.

I don't think the sister or other family members are stirring, his family are generally lovely. I think the sister is here with good intentions and she's been helping about with laundry and washing up and tries to help settle the baby.

Of course I don't know what's really being said as I'm upstairs away from them a lot and the speak their own language to each other which I am not fluent in.

But my impression is that she is here in good faith. I am curious as to what she thinks of her brother's behaviour, whether she is uncomfortable with the way I am being treated as fellow woman or whether she's on her brother's side as family. If she does think my partner is being a knob I doubt she'd say anything.

Obviously I do have concerns that if partner continues to paint me as an incompetent, demanding fishwife with form for scratching and neglecting my baby then maybe I will become a topic of discussion in their family groupchats.

If your partner has offered to make you breakfast is it demanding of you to ask him to rinse the bacon fat off the pan before he makes your eggs so that the eggs are cooked to your preference? I'm genuinely curious if your opinion, answer honestly. Is that too much? Is that taking advantage of someone who has offered to do you a favour?

Or is it a reasonable request to make of your partner, in your own home?

What the fuck have I just read?

Your husband thought it was a good idea to have his sister stay for ten days when you’d only given birth two weeks before? And why isn’t he cooking and preparing food for his family? Hell no!
He’s then walked all over you with the feeding and sleeping arrangements.
He’s on paternity leave. What planet has he been living on if he didn’t realise that newborn babies feed often - even through the night!!!
He’s an absolute twat and I’m glad you’re starting to stand up for yourself.

I’m so sorry OP, he’s being awful. Hopefully you have supportive family nearby who can give you a hand and some moral support?

Your partner should be bending over backwards to do everything you need - you are two weeks PP and establishing breastfeeding! He is on pat leave for what exactly - to catch up on sleep? I cannot believe he made you sleep on the sofa and pump for HIS convenience. Absolutely not!!

I really hope things settle down when his family leaves - what a tricky situation!

Of course it’s reasonable! It takes, what? 30 seconds?

As for struggling with the baby if alone for 3 hours, remember, you’re in the 4th trimester. In a perfect world you’d be surrounded by family bringing you meals 3 times a day and taking care of everything non-baby related.

OP your partner is not 'being a knob'.

This is abuse, and you are on a slippery slope. This isn't going to get any better.

Your focusing on the minutiae, the family group chat and the bacon. He is controlling and abusive.

Completely reasonable and it takes maybe 30 seconds. He is trying to assert dominance over the household and make you feel small so you eventually stop asking him to do things and he can continue to be a lazy arse.

Of course it isn't. He should be falling over himself to make whatever you want, however you want.

He really is a horrible man.

Did you see signs of behaviour like this before OP?

I don't think this couple are married, OP refers to him as her partner.

Not that it makes much difference, but if she leaves there will be no divorce settlement, so @Aristocack what is your situation if you do decide that things really warrant you separating? Better to know now and have an idea where you stand, than leave it until you have to figure it all out on your own.

It's also better to know the financial and housing situation in case he gaslights you again and is financially controlling about it to boot.

I think you probably need to leave and stay with mum even for a week or what's left of his sister's stay. He will be back at work soon and that might give you more time to establish a routine that suits you and the baby. Or plan your exit for good.

“He went on a 5 minute rant about how I never check the use by date, how he tells me all the time that I should check, how I should plan better, how we need to now buy more meat yada yada yada”

“He rolled his eyes, told me to shut up and tutted, once again in front of his sister. He then went on a rant about how I always "accuse him" of "cooking eggs in fat" and it's wrong because he "only uses butter". He got really pissed off. All of this in front of his sister.”

OP, abuse often ramps up once the man feels the woman is trapped by the baby. They feel jealous too. And once again, his need for a performative calm baby on video call has been prioritised over what the baby needs.

Lots of posters have suggested you go to your mums. Can you?

It's a reasonable request that he has tried to turn into a rant about you always complaining about him. He has an attitude with you right now. You have done nothing wrong.

Let anything he says wash over you, he is ruining your first weeks with your baby. Don't get into tit for tat arguments. Let him rant and let his family see him being unreasonable.

Sorry. Somehow quoted someone’s post accidentally.

Please OP, you have to wake up.

This is a highly dangerous, abusive man whose mask is now gone.

You need to see your GP and tell them your fears.

He separated you from your baby, which is the height of abuse.

You have to tell your mother.

You need to get away from him and go home to your mother.

This is all 100% deliberate.
I'm so sorry.

During this time, the 4th trimester, your only job is to look after and be with your baby to establish feeding and bonding. Your partners job is to look after you and anyone else who’s around. And for the record. People who think it’s ok to stay in the home of someone who’s just given birth can fuck right off.

Yes.

OP. When you have time alone and you feel able, my very strong advice is speak to a domestic abuse telephone line and talk about your relationship to check it against what is healthy and what is abuse. Get some support as soon as you can.

I have a friend whose whole Italian family descended soon after the baby was born, giving opinions as to what the mother should or should not do, and have heard of plenty of white english people who have experienced similar. Are they the ‘backwards cultures’ you are talking about?

keep your racism to yourself

https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/domestic-abuse/narcissistic-abuse

Narcissistic abuse is abuse at the hands of someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It involves the narcissist hurting or manipulating you to feed their own ego and tighten their sense of control. For instance, the narcissist might mock and criticize you to tear down your self-esteem. Or they might dismiss your feelings and opinions, leaving you feeling unsupported and unimportant. The abuser’s manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting and guilt-tripping, can make you question yourself and give in to their demands.

The abuse can also be subtle. They might simply ignore your needs or withhold affection to maintain power over you. It’s also worth noting that narcissists are capable of being charismatic and seemingly caring. In fact, between instances of abuse, the abuser may try to win you over again with sweet words and apologies. All of this leaves you feeling hurt, confused, and trapped.

Well done for standing up for yourself to this wilfully ignorant man. If I was a (very naive and maybe also stupid) guest I’d be wondering about why he’s being such a twat and pitying you. If I were you I would comment on how unhelpful and controlling he is. He sounds like he’s struggling with his new job (being a father) and is taking it out on you. Having guests so early is an awful thing to do to a mother and family after childbirth.