Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

I'd scrap the bottle and just breast feed. Tell him no you want to breastfeed your baby.

What ARE you talking about. Have you read her posts ? He wants her to sleep on the sofa so he can get 6 hours sleep!! He wants her to go back to work sooner than they agreed. He’s jealous of her having time with her baby. He criticises her. HES HORRIBLE

Doesn't matter. If you're on the sofa and feeding, you might fall asleep and baby will then be on the sofa too.

He's a massive selfish prick, and I've honestly not read a post where I've thought the man was as big a cunt as this bloke is.

I especially love how he gets the first sleep of the night and has basically forced you into pumping when you've barely just given birth and established breastfeeding. It's all about what's best for him, not his baby or the woman who gave birth to him.

Him and his car can just fuck off.

Tell your midwife about his allegations. Before he does, because that’s where this is going.

OP you’re not overreacting. Your partner is being over the top protective in front of his family to your detriment. Tell him to knock it in the head or both he and his family can leave. They should not be staying with a postpartum mother so soon after you have given birth, I have two children and would have hated this I really needed my own space when recovering from the births of both of my children. He is out of order.

ps. A soft nail file is amazing for baby’s nails, I had two scratchers. Also after a bath for the baby, it’s really easy to nibble their little nails off as they are so thin and soft.

It is an exhausting but magical experience with a newborn but also incredibly difficult. You’re doing wonderful mama 🩷🩷🩷

Why did you make a big spread for his family when you just gave birth a few weeks ago. Is your dh from India or its neighbour countries. Because this reminds me of men back home, trying to show off their authority at the expense of their spouse.

And what exactly he meant by when he left baby with you. Is he trying to create this impression he is the main care giver? He doesnt sound nice and seems to lack respect for you. You need care and kindness at the stage not yelling. Next time answer him using his tone.

So op's dh is more tired than her who gave birth few weeks ago and already prepared a feast for his family?

His behaviour was not 'not considerate'. It was much worse than that. Repeatedly putting down op was not okay. I am almost sure husband is from a culture where men like to show off their authority over women.

He sounds like dominator. He thinks he is your boss. Sleep in a separate room if your husband is so delicate when it comes to his sleep.

From the opening and subsequent posts by op, we can tell his husband is noy going go do what you suggested and his family also doesnt sound very nice, coming at such weird time expecting op and her husband and who is on paternity leave to host them.

Op, do you care at all about bonding with your child? I know you do but why are you let this dictator of your husband disrupt that? Who is benefitting from this system - you or your child? No. Only this selfish dictator.

I am from this Asian culture. Not all men are like your ex ( some are genuinely very nice) but majority are like him. They are also a bit like chameleon at the start trying to be at their best behaviour and once you commit, they start showing true colours. They are very flexible in the beginning, part of the reason is there are not enough women in these cultures because of preference for male child ao men to women proportion is not equal. Also, culture/ society tries to separate males and females from very young age, so these men become desperate to the extent of becoming the kind of person you want them to be in the beginning, once things become serious or their families are involved their true colours appear.

@Aristocack Im sorry OP. You have already really good advise on this thread but just wanted to add my 2 cents.

You talk about him being a hands on dad - and I have to completely disagree. Your partner is, from what you described controlling not hands on. My husband is hands on. Hands on at the newborn stage is supporting you, yes he can give suggestions but not imposing his view. Hands on means cooking lunch/dinner, groceries, all admin, washing and disinfecting pumps and bottles, washing and drying beds, hoover. My husband did the great majority of these whisky on paternity/annual leave. He also did diapers change and baths, and I like you did combination feeding but it all happened in our bedroom (expect nappy changing). And we only introduced combination feeding once I was ready not when my husband thought it appropriate. So I was not away from my baby long. Even when my baby was 1 week old and my mum stayed with us to help, I wasn’t entertaining and or cooking - that’s madness. He needs to listen to you and your needs and wants.

You stay awake till 4am?

This is concerning.

I get why he’s doing it. But you need to be happy with it and if pumping is making you engorged don’t do it. Don’t do the bottle feed if it’s confusing him

My darling, I know you’re in a tough spot. Your DH is a selfish prick. You shouldn’t be doing all this while he seems to have a sinister agenda of implying that you’re incompetent and he’s managing everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is trying to set himself up as custodial parent and you supporting his lifestyle. You need to speak to your midwife and your own family if you can. Take baby and get some space. Be with someone who is supportive of YOU.

I’m much older and my children are grown, but I have bf 5 children and I think you do need to prioritise the baby, especially in these very early weeks. Pumping so soon after birth and introducing a bottle so early is far from ideal. Your breasts will adapt to the baby if you exclusively bf and the baby will receive the natural balance of milk. If you are stripping out the foremilk at the beginning of the feed because of oversupply your breast cannot adjust and the baby is receiving a higher proportion of hindemilk. On top of that if the baby is also getting bottles that provide milk through an artificial teat you are may find the baby finds that easier. The expressed milk may be thinner if you are storing the foremilk so the baby will be all over the place nutritionally.

The best thing for your child is to stop pumping and bottle feeding till much much later. Many people never pump at all. Much as people like to share feeding with their partners it is better for the baby to be consistently bf and there is lots of research supporting the importance of that bond and skin to skin contact with the mother. Your job is to do what’s best for the baby.

As far as cooking for childless relatives and prioritising the sleep of a man on paternity leave over the rest of a two week post partum mother, absolutely not. You have a would the size of a dinner plate in your womb that needs to heal. You have a small human to nourish. You need rest and food and to be cared for. You don’t need to be worrying about going back to work or a grown adults savings for a car or any of that nonsense and nobody should be staying with you for 10 days and expecting drinks to be stocked in your fridge.

As far as sharp little fingernails go, it is a bit nerve wracking cutting them. You can use clipper while the baby sleeps or even just nibble them off with your teeth, no one will know.

I’m sorry your dp is being so utterly clueless. DO ask other mums if he has any other bright ideas, because your current set up is not something any woman who has actually bf would entertain. (And as a side note 6 hours away from my newborn would have broken my heart).

This just makes me feel so angry on your behalf. How dare he suggest you take the sofa. You’ve only just given birth and still adjusting to breast feeding. I’m glad you stood up for yourself and said you were taking the bed. The parent who isn’t getting up through the night has no damn idea what it’s like. Boohoo he can’t cope with broken sleep. How does he think you’re feeling? Just outrageous.

It’s unbearable to read your posts OP….that you have to put up with his constant, almost sinister meddling in your natural instincts as a mum to a new born.
And that he puts his own needs above yours at this crucial time of bonding.
And that he expects you to sleep on the sofa when his family guests take up other bed spaces in the house and he ‘needs’ the bed to himself to get his rest.

He just isn’t nice.
He is controlling and manipulating you, expecting you to sleep when and where he demands it, expecting you to produce milk like a machine to enhance his image in front of his family. He expects you and your new born to adjust to his shift patterns. It’s totally unnatural.
He’s supposed to be your support not your awkward demanding boss, sapping your strength just as you need it most. And making it all about him.

You just need peace with your baby to establish feeding and to go for your walk when you can. And to look after yourself a bit too OP. (Check that heavy bleeding out)

Good for you for not giving in to his horrible suggestion that you stay up most of the night on the sofa. I’m so glad you managed to assert yourself against his cruel nonsense.

His family need to be made aware they have already outstayed their welcome. If they don’t leave straight away on Monday after the weekend, I would take yourself and baby off to your mum’s if there’s a bed there for you.

Don’t let him wear you down any more.
I’m sorry he’s not being the support you need.
But nevertheless, you are doing brilliantly OP.
Very well done!

I'm in bed with baby now (just laying on my chest post-feed then he will go in the bedside cot). It's absolutely lovely laying in the bed and having him beside me. I can't believe I went along with the nightshift plan for so long. When doing the night shifts I would be downstairs on the uncomfortable sofa and baby in the moses basket and I'd have to get up every time the baby cried to get him out of his basket. In between feeds I'd be pumping like a cow and prepping bottles for my partner. I also found that being stuck. downstairs I couldn't mentally get into 'bedtime' mode and I'd find myself doing the washing up or bits of housework in between feeds as the mess around me would make it hard to switch off. There was no time for cuddles/contact napping/skin to skin.
This is only the 2nd night in my baby's 2.5 weeks of life where I've spent the night in bed with him next to me. I've been seeing an osteopath every few days since birth due to an agonising trapped nerve in my shoulder, which I'm sure has been aggravated by being on the sofa so much and sat up trying to breastfeed. In the bed tonight I have tried breastfeeding laying down for the first time and it is amazing

It would be good if I could feed every 2-3 gives and partner be upstairs with us to help in other ways such as bring me water (BFing has made me incredibly dehydrated) or doing nappies but he is having the sofa due to his "desperate" need for 6 hours sleep each night. I can't believe that when I said I wanted to scrap the night shifts and do all the feeds that he suggested I still be stuck downstairs with the baby until 3am before I be allowed to join him in the bed. I'd be more understanding if he was at work as he does 12 hours shifts driving a vehicle but he's on paternity leave FFS. He seems to think paternity leave is a holiday and he can't compute that maybe he isn't supposed to be getting much sleep on paternity leave. He's going to be insufferable once he goes back

He has said that when he mentioned the scratches in front of his family it was only because he was genuinely curious and not because he thought I did it. He has said it came out awkwardly as English is not his first language. He English is incredibly fluent, sometimes he phrases things a bit oddly but he's perfectly capable of a back and forth conversation about complex topics. I don't know if I'm being gaslighted

Stick to your guns and make sure you are with baby when you need to be. Time away to have a sleep alone facilitated by him is fine if you have asked for it, but you should be with baby at this point. At 2 weeks old (and for a good while after) all my life involved was being with baby and cluster feeding and bonding. Husband was around to help with changing, making me meals, cups of tea, generally being supportive. The suggestion of putting you on the sofa is appalling. You know what is right for you and baby and you need ti advocate for yourself here. You are drained and vulnerable post partum so I imagine it is very hard without that support. I know you say he is hands on but that isn’t the right support.

Op you shouldn’t be pumping yet. You are messing with your supply as you’ve already seen. There’s a reason you aren’t supposed to pump for 6 weeks and this is it.

Boohoo he found it hard. He’s going to have to manage. You need to be feeding on demand for the good of your baby, not pumping and creating more work and causing problems with your supply and pain for yourself for the benefit of your prick of a husband. He can suck it up like decent husbands and fathers do.

Please ask your HV for some support Op. They are there to help you and you need help. You need someone in your corner. Tell them everything you’ve told us.

Yes, inadvertently, he’s gaslighting you because he is very selfishly centring himself while he’s on paternity leave and he wants all his own way. He’s kind to you, when he feels like being kind but not when you need it or want it. He’s also a bit of a show off in front of his family, and in wanting to score ‘best dad in the world’ points, he didn’t mind hinting at a suggestion you had hurt your baby. A decent man would have dealt with that situation much differently, putting your feelings first and taking accountability himself.
He should be kind all the time OP. And thoughtful and considerate all the time too.

Just keep following your mum instincts, and assert yourself calmly and confidently when necessary.
Don’t let him blind side you or put you down. State your viewpoint clearly and firmly. Eg I think your visiting family are taking up too much time and space from us now, -taking away from our precious bonding time.

It’s hard when all you want to do is cry because your hormones are all over the place.

Yes, you’re being gaslit.

he gave you the middle finger when you said you wanted to continue maternity leave because he was sad he wouldn’t be able to get you to work to pay for his new car quicker? That’s disgusting.

you’re absolutely in an abusive relationship.

I and wouldn’t underestimate cultural impact - I know you said he’s not from a patriarchal culture but there are always different ways of doing things even between different types of people in a country. And you won’t recognise if he is that way unless you know the culture well. For example, in the UK, we’d all recognise immediately if someone is the kind of man who might be nice but is a bit old fashioned in his household set up (eg men don’t do the housework types) and you’d avoid marrying him for that reason. But if someone from a different country met that man, and judged him on overall british values, they wouldn’t necessarily realise until it was too late that he’d be off the pub rather than changing nappies. There are nuances you just miss.

he sounds hideous anyway. And why on earth is his sibling and cousin or whatever staying with you for this long (or at all)? sounds like your head has been twisted up by him already if he’s managed to have you thinking this is acceptable. He’s been abusive for some time no doubt.

also, I can’t remember so I might be wrong but flooding with pp bleeding at two weeks after birth seems a lot? Does that warrant a medical trip?

OP this is making me so sad. How dare he behave like this. I agree with a lot of suggestions here, firstly that pumping is messing with your BFing, especially that you're getting engorged. The more you pump (and feed), the more you will supply.

I had tiny twins at 37 weeks and breastfed for about 8 weeks. One on each boob and a cheese sandwich in the middle for me! My husband was hideous. A total monster, and very frightening when he was around. He also accused me of harming one of my girls and reported me. I had nurses in to help (I was very unwell after the ceasarian birth and have many medical issues) as he was off building his empire, and i was being 'watched'. It was awful. As though I would hurt one of my babies?

Another one of BFing. My son came a few years later (yes, I stayed with the monster, who did a good impression of Jack Nicholson in The Shining) and he just fed constantly! It was great, and I had a lovely time bonding with my baby. I had a nanny to help with my twins etc. DC spent the next 20 years growing!!

So, you're just 2 weeks in. If you can get past 8 weeks you're doing better than I did! But don't beat yourself up. You sound like a very loving and caring mum. I find it unbelievable that your DH thought it appropriate to have people to stay, and for 10 days! And yes, his behaviour is unacceptable.

Say you're not coping, (ith the visitors, not the baby). Send them to a local hotel, and hopefully your DH will fuck off with them. Enjoy your baby, you and he/she are the important people here.

x

Yes, he is gaslighting you.

He isn’t on paternity leave for a rest cure. He is there to support you. He should

Make sure you always have a drink at hand.

Tidy the changing station.
Wash and prep his own fucking feeding bottles. WTAF???
Cooking nutritious food that you can eat one handed.
Washing clothes for baby.
Possibly washing your clothes.
Stripping your bed, making it with fresh sheets.
Washing the dirty sheets.
Sweeping/vac floors.
Taking you all out for a little fresh air.
Making sure you and your gorgeous baby get to cuddle each other as much as you want. It’s how babies stay alive.

Telling you that you are the best thing since sliced bread in his life, he is very thankful, and proud of you.
THAT YOU ARE THE BEST MOTHER EVER.

If you’re not getting that, pack up and go to your Mam’s.