Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

I've not rtft but go to your parents if able. He sounds deeply unpleasant.

Also nibble the nails. I always did this..Less traumatic for both mum and baby.

I’m horrified he expected you to sleep on the sofa. If he wants a bed, he can tell his family, who really should not be there at this tricky stage to decamp to a hotel.

My dh is also from a Western European country. I told him his dad could come when I was ready. This happened when dd was 6 weeks old or so. I couldn’t have entertained him before that. His dad expected to be fed etc. Dh didn’t fight it. I didn’t care if it that made me look difficult or controlling. I did what worked for me. Had his dad been willing / able to look after me a bit, perhaps I would have been ok sooner. But not 2 weeks. My nipples were very sore then and I had a womb infection.

Hi I think the red flags that PP are pointing out about your husband are valid but to swing off topic in case you wanted my two cents on the feeding/pumping system. Be real careful with it. We had virtually the same arrangement as you with my first and I was treated for mastitis 3 times in the first year.
Second time around we did the same shifts but when baby needed feeding during my "sleep" shift dh would just bring him to me to feed him in bed he'd sit with me till baby finished (because likely I would fall asleep) and then take him away again. I've found my supply just manages itself, my second is a year old now and I have had one proper engorgement and that's it. And despite the fact my second was a terrible sleeper and needed a few feeds in my "time" I still think it was way less energy than getting the pump stuff sorted in the middle of the night. You'll also find over time they get into more of a pattern and will regularly have one longer stretch - that's the best part of the night for you sleep as you'll be disturbed less.

(Of course this is all useless if your other half is the real problem)

If he didn't want broken sleep he shouldn't have have a fucking baby. Is this prick for real?

There's something very chilling about the way he is behaving , a supportive partner would have asked you privately about the marks rather than in front of family as if he wanted them to witness that for some reason. I do think you need to get away from this man. Can you go to your own family?
I used to cut baby's nails while they were asleep so they wouldn't wriggle, and have you got any scratch mitts? If you're only pumping because of him I would stop and ask him to sleep elsewhere if you can. Pumping is exhausting.

@Aristocack There is so much wrong with this. Please speak with your health visitor about these issues and how you are being treated. You need support and possibly someone from outside to set him straight on his expectations. Husband is treating you very badly. You are the mother, you are the most important person for the baby right now- your word and decisions is what matters.

Please stand up for yourself and the baby. If he ever tries to humiliate you like that in front of other people again then you need to call him out on front of everyone straight away.

Hey just to say if you want to stop pumping then be careful and wind it down. If you stop abruptly then you could end up with mastitis and very unwell.

But if you pump after every feed you are producing more and more... Reduce the time, and then have a look at hand expressing so you can relieve the pressure if needed but more gently. Avoid getting really engorged but also try and reduce the stimulation.
There is a national breastfeeding helpline you can call for free trained advice at any time if you need support or you just want to chat to anyone about feeding and how you are feeling about it.

By the way, as your supply settles you can/may find that you get less when you pump which could turn out to be convenient (either in reality or an explanation) to reduce the bottles. Not that you need an excuse. It's a personal choice and it's your choice to make, not his.

If you are struggling to speak to you health visitor then you can print out your posts from this thread to help and let them read it x

The fact you’re pumping because “he’s tired” ….. you’re doing amazing, trust yourself, your baby needs you. I don’t like the sound of your husband one bit ….

I am appalled at this utterly selfish & shameless man

I hope it is just him showing off.

Be very careful that he's not got ideas of setting up to take full custody of the child and move back to his home country.

Where are all the guests sleeping? He wanted you to take the couch instead of one of the guests or himself?

Aristocack it just dawned on me he’s insisting on getting 6 unbroken hours sleep whilst he’s on paternity leave! He’s an arsehole, I’m glad to see you’ve put your foot down over the feeding and where you’ll be sleeping.

Tell him he can have the 12 months maternity leave when he’s birthed a baby.

I don’t think this man cares about you. He knows you have given birth and is making you run around after his family, accusing you about nothing in front of them and then depriving you of quality sleep because he needs to have interrupted sleep then has the audacity to tell you who recently gave birth to sleep on the couch. Fuck him!

I think I slept 7-11, then was with the baby 11- 5 while baby was next to me in the bedroom (I could rest comfortable while baby was asleep, snooze a bit but mainly just rested when baby rested) and then husband took over so I could sleep uninterrupted. Husband also slept in another room, on a thin fold out cushion that normally lived on the day bed (that we later found out the dog had secretly been using as a toilet!). Ie not luxury. Man never complained once. He complained about everything else, but never the sleeping arrangements.

You mention he is a good dad, does not sound like he has been a good caring partner to you at all. Tell him tomorrow you are taking the baby for a stroll by yourself. Let that arsehole look after his own family.

OP can you call the feeding team that helped you? Or the midwife?

You need to speak to a professional in private about all this including how controlling he's being AND you need to get checked over in terms of the bleeding.

If you can stay with your mum I'd recommend it.

There is no way I could’ve had guests to stay just 2 weeks after giving birth.

Establisbing breast feeding is really difficult so abandon the pumping as it’s the last thing you need. I didn’t have any time to pump alongside the cluster feeding and lack of sleep. Absolutely mad to be breaking your much needed sleep to pump so he can have a bottle to feed the baby.

if you have the baby nearby to you in the night it will all be so much easier to pop him on for a feed as and when he wakes.

While he’s on pat leave your husband should be doing literally everything else - all housework, cooking, making you food and drinks while you’re breastfeeding.

Also don’t forget you’re still recovering from giving birth. He should be waiting on you hand and foot!

Show him this thread - what an absolute dick.

Partner sounds like a gaslighting asshole. Document everything. He is the type will make false claims in a custody battle. Start documenting all this immediately and consistently.

It's a huge betrayal, it's disrespectful, and incredibly damaging. If he continues this way, your child will pick up on it by the time he is two or three.

It's especially terrible given that you have just given birth and are entertaining his family for 10 days. I'd stop making all effort for them. Immediately.

Very sorry you are going through this.

Is there any chance of these guests leaving or staying elsewhere?

To be honest I’d be tempted to pack up you and the baby and go and stay with your mum if that’s an option?

To add, maybe you need to spell out in front of his family ‘why after I have given birth and am still bleeding do you think it is acceptable for me to sleep on the sofa’. ‘I have just given birth and breastfeeding takes a lot of energy why would you not make me a plate of food?’. ‘It is not my fault you did not get much paternity leave why would you then swear at me about it?’ Spell out his and their selfishness. He wants to show off being superdad humiliate him by pointing out how awful he has been.

Having reread your posts not one person thought to bring you food. So selfish. For the next nine days look after yourself, take baby out for walks if you want to, speak to the health visitor about the bleeding and see if there are any local breastfeeding groups like la leche league and see if there are any sling libraries, anything this that gets you out of the house and with other mums.

this period in the uk used to be called lying in, for six to eight weeks when people (women) would visit the mum, bring nourishing foods for her, chat to her, look baby so she can rest and make her feel cocooned. All this happened for a reason. This nasty man is doing nothing to cocoon the woman that gave him a child. Sounds like he is being mightily cocooned though.

Not the point of the thread, but I used a thumble on DC. It’s just a baby nail file.

On DP, record everything. My ex tried to portray his first and then me (second wife) of having PND. If he actually says he’s worried about your mental health, log what he’s doing with your GP and HV. Leave a paper trail of his behaviour.

Aorry, I’ve just caught up on your posts.

He sounds very like my ex. He would only help with housework if his mum was there, to make it look like he did anything.

He also tried to enforce a shift pattern on me. He lasted two hours and called his mum so I sent her away and cracked on alone.

This also meant I had to sleep on the sofa so as not to disturb his sleep.

He was still banging on about his sleep when I left several years later.

I am not saying your relationship will go the same way, it’ wasn’t just this that ended mine, but please cover your own back by documenting everything.

Keep your boundaries around your car and maternity leave too…what you earn will likely be swallowed by childcare anyway.

Do not turn into the doormat I did

OP this is wrong on all levels. Your baby is 2 weeks old and you will be building up your milk supply naturally with no pumping. Also you should be resting not entertaining a lot of visitors. Stop the mad shift pattern your husband has created he can sleep on the sofa. Put scratch mittens on your baby. Your health visitor should visit soon talk to her about feeding and your controlling husband

Oh you poor lady. Your going to look back at this time and be so annoyed hes behaved like this. Ive never ever forgotten how bay behaved my ex was when my DS was a newborn. And ill never forgive him for spoiling that time for me. Ill never get that time back

He sounds like a very selfish man. Telling you you cant cope for 3 hours is very telling.... guaranteed he says worse behind your back

Id advise you to leave him tbh, he isn't going to change

Go somewhere safe for the next few weeks and leave him and the pump behind. This all sounds so sinister and you are so vulnerable right now. You’ll remember how people treated you in this phase for ever.

I’m so sad for you. He’s being horrible and sounds very controlling. What’s all this ‘I need 6 hours unbroken sleep!’ And then says he needs the bed! Wtf.
it sounds like you’re standing up for yourself and pushing back. Well done you. Don’t let him bully you. And while the relatives are there keep being assertive and don’t allow him to talk down to you in front of them. And stop cooking!!! Rest!!! Tell him you’re not getting 6 hours of unbroken sleep so he needs to step up!!

Why the fuck have you got his family staying for ten days 2 weeks after birth?