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Original poster

Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

486 replies

Aristocack · Yesterday 17:07

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

OP posts:
Hoppity80 · Today 04:42

Yes I feel awful reading this. At first when you said family was staying I thought it was to help with Baby. But if they're just here at guests I think you need to tell them to get a hotel or at the very least they need to do their own cooking. How dare they put you on the couch with a new born baby - what are they thinking?
Is your husband Eastern European? I know some cultures where people are quite direct and it's not necessarily meant unkindly.
Only if you feel safe to do so, perhaps show your husband this thread.

99bottlesofkombucha · Today 05:17

Aristocack · Today 03:32

I'm in bed with baby now (just laying on my chest post-feed then he will go in the bedside cot). It's absolutely lovely laying in the bed and having him beside me. I can't believe I went along with the nightshift plan for so long. When doing the night shifts I would be downstairs on the uncomfortable sofa and baby in the moses basket and I'd have to get up every time the baby cried to get him out of his basket. In between feeds I'd be pumping like a cow and prepping bottles for my partner. I also found that being stuck. downstairs I couldn't mentally get into 'bedtime' mode and I'd find myself doing the washing up or bits of housework in between feeds as the mess around me would make it hard to switch off. There was no time for cuddles/contact napping/skin to skin.
This is only the 2nd night in my baby's 2.5 weeks of life where I've spent the night in bed with him next to me. I've been seeing an osteopath every few days since birth due to an agonising trapped nerve in my shoulder, which I'm sure has been aggravated by being on the sofa so much and sat up trying to breastfeed. In the bed tonight I have tried breastfeeding laying down for the first time and it is amazing

It would be good if I could feed every 2-3 gives and partner be upstairs with us to help in other ways such as bring me water (BFing has made me incredibly dehydrated) or doing nappies but he is having the sofa due to his "desperate" need for 6 hours sleep each night. I can't believe that when I said I wanted to scrap the night shifts and do all the feeds that he suggested I still be stuck downstairs with the baby until 3am before I be allowed to join him in the bed. I'd be more understanding if he was at work as he does 12 hours shifts driving a vehicle but he's on paternity leave FFS. He seems to think paternity leave is a holiday and he can't compute that maybe he isn't supposed to be getting much sleep on paternity leave. He's going to be insufferable once he goes back

He has said that when he mentioned the scratches in front of his family it was only because he was genuinely curious and not because he thought I did it. He has said it came out awkwardly as English is not his first language. He English is incredibly fluent, sometimes he phrases things a bit oddly but he's perfectly capable of a back and forth conversation about complex topics. I don't know if I'm being gaslighted

Edited

You are being gaslighted. Have you a midwife who can visit and you can tell her what he’s been doing? She should know as you need support.
for him, you can calmly and coldly say that accusing your wife of hurting her new baby is a very very serious accusation, and if he didn’t mean it then he must be horrified he said it, and you’ll know that if you see him triple check his English to make sure he is super clear that you’re doing an amazing job, if he can’t do then that you can only assume he meant it with malicious intent. No jokes, no softening.

im glad you shut it down about the bed. Nobody should get 6 hours sleep on parental leave with a tiny newborn. If you need him wake him. ‘You’ll live, you’re a healthy adult and you didn’t just give birth. Now can you change that nappy please?’

Miraclemuma03 · Today 05:32

LEAVE!!! Im sorry OP im going to say that this behaviour didnt start when you had the baby. This is narcissism, they be nice and say do something for yourself and then punish you hard later on. This isnt because the parents are there or because you had a baby, this behaviour has always been there and your just noticing it more now because you are in a vulnerable state and that's when the behaviour gets worse.

PestoPastaLife · Today 05:33

ReadingSoManyThreads · Yesterday 21:20

It's not helpful to suggest introducing formula to mums who want to exclusively breastfeed. You may think you are helping, but you're not. It's undermining breastfeeding and the more formula that is introduced, the less breastmilk her body will produce due to supply and demand.

Show quote history

A lot of women don’t realise that combination feeding is a viable option, so they try to EBF and when that doesn’t work because eg it means they can’t share feeds with partner, or they get mastitis, they give up and switch to full formula.

OP literally needs to reduce her supply. She should absolutely stop pumping, but if she wanted to keep sharing feeds, she could. Offering a 3-4oz bottle once every 24 hours is not going to dry her up.

Kimbyjab · Today 05:37

Aristocack · Yesterday 18:57

Yes the baby was cluster-feeding and partner got frustrated because he wanted the baby to have one big feed and then a long sleep. I explained to partner that it doesn't work like that and he then came up with the alternating night shift plan as he "couldn't cope" without a 6 hour stretch of sleep each night.

Show quote history

Then he can fuck off and sleep elsewhere like lots of Dads do. Inconsiderate twat he is.

PestoPastaLife · Today 05:40

Aristocack · Today 03:32

I'm in bed with baby now (just laying on my chest post-feed then he will go in the bedside cot). It's absolutely lovely laying in the bed and having him beside me. I can't believe I went along with the nightshift plan for so long. When doing the night shifts I would be downstairs on the uncomfortable sofa and baby in the moses basket and I'd have to get up every time the baby cried to get him out of his basket. In between feeds I'd be pumping like a cow and prepping bottles for my partner. I also found that being stuck. downstairs I couldn't mentally get into 'bedtime' mode and I'd find myself doing the washing up or bits of housework in between feeds as the mess around me would make it hard to switch off. There was no time for cuddles/contact napping/skin to skin.
This is only the 2nd night in my baby's 2.5 weeks of life where I've spent the night in bed with him next to me. I've been seeing an osteopath every few days since birth due to an agonising trapped nerve in my shoulder, which I'm sure has been aggravated by being on the sofa so much and sat up trying to breastfeed. In the bed tonight I have tried breastfeeding laying down for the first time and it is amazing

It would be good if I could feed every 2-3 gives and partner be upstairs with us to help in other ways such as bring me water (BFing has made me incredibly dehydrated) or doing nappies but he is having the sofa due to his "desperate" need for 6 hours sleep each night. I can't believe that when I said I wanted to scrap the night shifts and do all the feeds that he suggested I still be stuck downstairs with the baby until 3am before I be allowed to join him in the bed. I'd be more understanding if he was at work as he does 12 hours shifts driving a vehicle but he's on paternity leave FFS. He seems to think paternity leave is a holiday and he can't compute that maybe he isn't supposed to be getting much sleep on paternity leave. He's going to be insufferable once he goes back

He has said that when he mentioned the scratches in front of his family it was only because he was genuinely curious and not because he thought I did it. He has said it came out awkwardly as English is not his first language. He English is incredibly fluent, sometimes he phrases things a bit oddly but he's perfectly capable of a back and forth conversation about complex topics. I don't know if I'm being gaslighted

Edited

Good for you for insisting on the bed. For water, I really recommend the “maternity hydrant” which I bought for labour three years ago and have kept as a bedside water bottle ever since - it’s a got a long flexible straw so you don’t have to sit up or even roll over to drink.

Also be aware of the possibility (probability!) of co-sleeping now you’re comfy with a cosy baby curled up next to you and set the bed up properly in case you fall asleep. I love lying down feeding, once you get used to it you can feed baby and barely wake up. Of course now I have a nearly one year old in my bed kicking me in the head, but the feeding is still super convenient.

PPAPPINE · Today 06:14

He sounds awful and abusive. Please leave asap x

Mummyoflittledragon · Today 06:15

Oh you poor love, he forced you to separate from your newborn the day after your ds was born. This is so unnatural.

I hope there won’t be too much fall out today from him. I’m horrified. You’re being treated like an inconvenience, a now empty vessel to be consumed without thought for your needs.

Does his aunt not have empathy for your situation? I shudder that you and your baby are both being treated like this. And am concerned for your wellbeing. You need nutrition, rest and a lot of fluids to recover and keep up supply. Happy mum, happy baby is a phrase for a reason.

Mummyoflittledragon · Today 06:16

Ohthatsabitshit · Today 03:11

I’m much older and my children are grown, but I have bf 5 children and I think you do need to prioritise the baby, especially in these very early weeks. Pumping so soon after birth and introducing a bottle so early is far from ideal. Your breasts will adapt to the baby if you exclusively bf and the baby will receive the natural balance of milk. If you are stripping out the foremilk at the beginning of the feed because of oversupply your breast cannot adjust and the baby is receiving a higher proportion of hindemilk. On top of that if the baby is also getting bottles that provide milk through an artificial teat you are may find the baby finds that easier. The expressed milk may be thinner if you are storing the foremilk so the baby will be all over the place nutritionally.

The best thing for your child is to stop pumping and bottle feeding till much much later. Many people never pump at all. Much as people like to share feeding with their partners it is better for the baby to be consistently bf and there is lots of research supporting the importance of that bond and skin to skin contact with the mother. Your job is to do what’s best for the baby.

As far as cooking for childless relatives and prioritising the sleep of a man on paternity leave over the rest of a two week post partum mother, absolutely not. You have a would the size of a dinner plate in your womb that needs to heal. You have a small human to nourish. You need rest and food and to be cared for. You don’t need to be worrying about going back to work or a grown adults savings for a car or any of that nonsense and nobody should be staying with you for 10 days and expecting drinks to be stocked in your fridge.

As far as sharp little fingernails go, it is a bit nerve wracking cutting them. You can use clipper while the baby sleeps or even just nibble them off with your teeth, no one will know.

I’m sorry your dp is being so utterly clueless. DO ask other mums if he has any other bright ideas, because your current set up is not something any woman who has actually bf would entertain. (And as a side note 6 hours away from my newborn would have broken my heart).

I just wanted to highlight this post. Please reread it. So much valuable information in there.

TeaCupTinsel · Today 06:30

I'm glad you stood your ground with the feeding and nightshift but please do not go back to the sofa when he has to go back to work.
The rest of us and our spouses all had to get on with lack of sleep! He's coming across as so selfish! Having a baby DOES disrupt your life and sleep but that's what he signed up for!

MovingBird123 · Today 06:33

You can bite your baby's nails - easiest way to cut them when they're so little!

Take all the time you need by yourself, baby needing feeding etc is a good excuse. Protect yourself and your recovery.

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