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Original poster

Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

582 replies

Aristocack · Yesterday 17:07

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · Yesterday 23:04

I think you are quite amazing to be entertaining visitors when you had a baby only two weeks ago. You need some looking after!

Your husband didn't actually accuse you of hurting your son (unless I've missed something), was just asking about the red marks and hot wet face. It would have been better for him to ask when you were alone.

I'm sure nobody thinks you've done anything.

You're vulnerable at the moment and need a calm atmosphere, not have to be cooking for people. Hopefully they will step up and look after you while they are staying.

PedrosFanClub · Yesterday 23:05

What an utter knob for treating the mother of his child like that. First of all, you haven’t done anything wrong. Do not let him or anyone else make you feel otherwise. If this is out of character for your partner then it’s highly likely that things are being stirred by his family. Either way, I’d be worried about his motives, at the very least he wants to tear you down as a mother and make you feel like you’ve harmed your son. That’s a pretty fucking horrible thing to do. In fact, it’s the worst. That’s not okay. Whether your in laws have stirred the pot or not really doesn’t matter. You just don’t do what he did. Please don’t let any of them make you feel like a bad or incapable mum. The one doing harm here is HIM. An upset mum is an upset baby so the only person doing any harm here is him.
I’m so sorry that the joy is being sucked out of these early weeks of motherhood for you. I’m giving you a big hug through the screen and from one mum to another, you’re doing great. Sending lots of love to you and your baby x

Chunkybabythighs · Yesterday 23:07

Re the bleeding op: at two weeks pp you should still be able to access maternity triage, I know you can at my hospital. Give them a ring, they're manned 24 7

ReadingSoManyThreads · Yesterday 23:08

And from the morning onwards, do not lift a finger for his family. If anyone says anything, simply say that you are concentrating on looking after the baby and that DP or they can cook and clean for the household themselves. Do not let them take baby off you anymore.

CrazyMidget · Yesterday 23:09

Gobbledegoo · Yesterday 23:04

OMG what made you pick this Prince to be a male role model for a real Father?
Real Dads look after their Child's Mother so she is comfortable, well fed and rested after doing an enormous job of carrying and growing a baby in her body and then giving birth to her precious child. BF is not easy for every Mum, but you are blessed with a good milk supply. You need time and patience to heal, not this prick.

Do NOT blame her. You're extremely lucky to have clearly never experienced spousal abuse, otherwise you would know that it usually doesn't start until they think you're trapped. Abuse FAMOUSLY starts after marriage or after kids. How does everyone not know this?! 🤦‍♀️And FYI, they are absolutely lovely to you before this.

pregnantprayingmantis · Yesterday 23:09

I was given a tip to gently bite my baby’s nails, less scary than using the clippers.
I’m so sorry your DH is being such twat you have every right to feel upset.

Some suggestions, is it possible for the family to move into a hotel, you really need your house to settle into a routine with your new horn baby right now, this is still the 4th trimester. Please do not be spending your time and energy looking after his relatives. That is your DH husbands job as well as him looking after you and baby.

Baby should not be being passed round the relatives at this age. Have they been vaccinated? Is it your choice to pump to increase your milk supply? It’s adding a lot of work for you if not and could be confusing for the baby to go between breast and bottle at this age.

If this is genuinely out of the ordinary behaviour for your DH, you need to have a private conversation with him and ask him where this is coming from and how inappropriate it is for him to be speaking to you like this in front of his family. Assuming he is also stressed with his family there and sleep deprived - he should be highly apologetic and not repeat this behaviour. If that is not the case and he continues I would be very concerned and you need some support. Have you got family nearby or see your health visitor/midwife asap.

Booboobagins · Yesterday 23:10

Superdad is no superpartner is he?

Its his way or the highway, he wont be inconvenienced but you are meant to be etc etc.

Why did you have a child with him. This behaviour is not new is it?

Honestly, Id be considering my options unless you want a life of kowtowing to his demands.

CrazyMidget · Yesterday 23:13

Booboobagins · Yesterday 23:10

Superdad is no superpartner is he?

Its his way or the highway, he wont be inconvenienced but you are meant to be etc etc.

Why did you have a child with him. This behaviour is not new is it?

Honestly, Id be considering my options unless you want a life of kowtowing to his demands.

Edited

Again, do NOT blame her. You're extremely lucky to have clearly never experienced spousal abuse, otherwise you would know that it usually doesn't start until they think you're trapped. Abuse FAMOUSLY starts after marriage or after kids. How does everyone not know this?! 🤦‍♀️And FYI, they are absolutely lovely to you before this.

RuddyLongCovid · Yesterday 23:14

Aristocack · Yesterday 17:07

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Your partner sounds like a dick, frankly.... at times, I could barely remember my own name during the first two weeks with my babies - you are doing an amazing job xxx

ThreeLocusts · Yesterday 23:16

Aristocack · Yesterday 22:19

I told him the night shifts aren't working for me and the baby as they are disrupting me bonding with the baby and establishing feeding (I feel this quite strongly, it's not natural to be away from him for 6 hours each night at 2 weeks old and I don't care about having 6 hours unbroken sleep) and he said that it's up to me but that he doesn't think me being up doing all the feeds will work as apparently "I struggle with the baby 3 hours on my own without asking for help" (Because I dare ask him for help when we are together in the house in the day)

He then begrudgingly said that we can try but he said he can't do with broken sleeps so we still need to be separats at night. He tried to argue that he should have the bed on his own each night until 3am and me and baby on sofa and then me and the baby can come up at 3am and join him once he's had a good sleep.

I shut that down and said I want the bed as I need to sleep in between feeds and need to be comfortable when breastfeeding. I said that he is welcome to be in bed with us but he has chosen to sleep downstairs as he "can't do broken sleep"

Unbelievable. How up his own ass can a man be? You having to creep up the stairs with a newborn at 3am? Fuck that.

Really, get yourself off to your mum if you can. Maybe she can help you explain to this prince among men that he gets to dictate exactly nothing in this situation. What matters is what works for you and baby. You can't control babies that age, you can't put them on a schedule, he's not in charge here. Tough.

And he probably thinks of himself as an 'involved, hands-on dad' and wants brownie points for being controlling. Honestly, some men should be nowhere near newborns. I'm so sorry, OP.

GlosGirl82 · Yesterday 23:23

You are not overreacting- he is being awful!

plus - I used to nibble my babies nails - I this sounds odd but they came off really easily and pain free for them

Bringmebacktothe90s · Yesterday 23:23

He sounds like a dickhead. Has he always been like this? What made you want to have a baby with this weirdo? He sounds so selfish and self obsessed. From what you’ve said I can’t see him ever being the partner that you may need.

WiseRoseDuck · Yesterday 23:24

I'm not sure why someone would 'show off' to their family by implying their partner is hurting or neglectful of their child. It would be I'm helpful to know if incidents of the baby having marks have happened before, hence the partners sensitivity to it.

They shouldn't be calling it out on front of family they way they did but they may explain the behaviour.

AWeekAndADay · Yesterday 23:27

I don't see a problem, your both tired, your both trying the best for baby, and tbh him offering to let you sleep and feed baby is actually really good. Some of the comments make me think they had a bad partner or anti men because yours was just asking what are the marks etc etc. Nothing nasty. Your tired and hormones everywhere. Everything else says he is also trying to be as good a dad as possible just like you are being a good mum to. Don't panic, take a second and start again. Coming from an very experienced mum n dad but we still remember the first one challenges oh and forgot to add we've had family stay every time and we would talk about everything in front of them nothing malicious intended at all

Whatalotoflaundry · Yesterday 23:29

AWeekAndADay · Yesterday 23:27

I don't see a problem, your both tired, your both trying the best for baby, and tbh him offering to let you sleep and feed baby is actually really good. Some of the comments make me think they had a bad partner or anti men because yours was just asking what are the marks etc etc. Nothing nasty. Your tired and hormones everywhere. Everything else says he is also trying to be as good a dad as possible just like you are being a good mum to. Don't panic, take a second and start again. Coming from an very experienced mum n dad but we still remember the first one challenges oh and forgot to add we've had family stay every time and we would talk about everything in front of them nothing malicious intended at all

Edited

There are some significant red flags for abuse here. If you know, you know. I’m glad you haven’t had to use that lens yet and can view this naively.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · Yesterday 23:30

He is a prick and you should chuck them all out! Enjoy you and your lovely baby.

PumpkinSeasonIsHere · Yesterday 23:31

AWeekAndADay · Yesterday 23:27

I don't see a problem, your both tired, your both trying the best for baby, and tbh him offering to let you sleep and feed baby is actually really good. Some of the comments make me think they had a bad partner or anti men because yours was just asking what are the marks etc etc. Nothing nasty. Your tired and hormones everywhere. Everything else says he is also trying to be as good a dad as possible just like you are being a good mum to. Don't panic, take a second and start again. Coming from an very experienced mum n dad but we still remember the first one challenges oh and forgot to add we've had family stay every time and we would talk about everything in front of them nothing malicious intended at all

Edited

Read the entire thread.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · Yesterday 23:31

Please, please call women’s aid if you feel able.

And take your baby for that walk in the pram.

MuckSavage · Yesterday 23:31

He's a c*nt. Run.

PrincessofWills · Yesterday 23:32

Aristocack · Yesterday 22:30

Just to clarify he meant me on sofa and baby next to me in the moses basket but I'm not defending him as I still think it's a horrible suggestion

Show quote history

Leave.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 23:33

AWeekAndADay · Yesterday 23:27

I don't see a problem, your both tired, your both trying the best for baby, and tbh him offering to let you sleep and feed baby is actually really good. Some of the comments make me think they had a bad partner or anti men because yours was just asking what are the marks etc etc. Nothing nasty. Your tired and hormones everywhere. Everything else says he is also trying to be as good a dad as possible just like you are being a good mum to. Don't panic, take a second and start again. Coming from an very experienced mum n dad but we still remember the first one challenges oh and forgot to add we've had family stay every time and we would talk about everything in front of them nothing malicious intended at all

Edited

OMG what nonsense.
This woman is being abused.

PumpkinSeasonIsHere · Yesterday 23:33

PrincessofWills · Yesterday 23:32

Leave.

Show quote history

Honestly I have to agree. His suggestions really are unhinged.

DinoDoughnut81 · Yesterday 23:34

What kind of man makes his wife/partner who has literally just given birth sleep on the sofa so he doesn't have to wake up in the night? Seriously what a total prick.

itsnotalwaysthateasy · Yesterday 23:34

Why did he agree to have family over when you have a 3 week old baby? I guess that was your husbands ill thought out decision, Since then all your husband has done is put you into uncomfortable situations with a 3 week old baby. Are you sure this man actually loves you and wants the best for you both?
I just want to give you the biggest hug for this awful situation that you find yourself in.
This is truly awful x

MuckSavage · Yesterday 23:34

AWeekAndADay · Yesterday 23:27

I don't see a problem, your both tired, your both trying the best for baby, and tbh him offering to let you sleep and feed baby is actually really good. Some of the comments make me think they had a bad partner or anti men because yours was just asking what are the marks etc etc. Nothing nasty. Your tired and hormones everywhere. Everything else says he is also trying to be as good a dad as possible just like you are being a good mum to. Don't panic, take a second and start again. Coming from an very experienced mum n dad but we still remember the first one challenges oh and forgot to add we've had family stay every time and we would talk about everything in front of them nothing malicious intended at all

Edited

It is "you're" not "your". You sound like a perpetrator". Get in the bin.