Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Looking on the bright side, if he toddles off to an uninterrupted six hours sleep, he won't notice you taking the baby to safety at your Mum's.

Of course, there is the possibility that he'll call the police and accuse you of all sorts, but he's already starting that - and once you're out of his reach, you can tell them that he's trying to stop you feeding your baby and making you spend the night on the sofa so you don't disturb him.

You need the bed to yourself, you might be able to get to grips with laying down breastfeeding and safe cosleeping if that works for you (look up the lullaby trust information on this). Laying down breastfeeding in bed with the baby in a safe position if you happen to both fall asleep - can be an absolute game changer in getting sleep and rest with a new baby. Your partner needs to sleep on the sofa for the foreseeable future IMO.

Good for you for standing up to him.
More of this tomorrow- no more pumping or bottles, baby spends the majority of his time with you.
No more cooking for guests, they’re his family he can look after them. How incredibly rude of them to turn up to stay with you 2 weeks after giving birth!
I understand that leaving and going to stay elsewhere is probably too much right now, I doubt you would get any help to pack and load the car. Unless there’s anyone who could come and pick you up? Brother/uncle/dad?
But when you’re stronger in a few weeks you should definitely look at leaving.

Well done for being strong in what you just said to him. You’ve got to keep on being strong now - and not put up with his terrible suggestion that you go on the sofa to let him sleep in the bed! I know this must be a really tough time for you but please keep on being strong and don’t give into what he says. Or at least take a few days if you need to, to gather your strength if you’re going to leave.
Where are the current guests sleeping? Would there be an empty spare room in your house if your guests weren’t there?

That is really upsetting to hear. It's a difficult enough time without your own husband turning on you! You need to sit him down and ask him why he is making these bizarre and cruel accusations, and in front of your guests. It sounds like coercive control, and you need to call him out on it.

Please work on establishing a feeding pattern that works for your baby and for you. Not for your partner. Expressing does allow someone else to give a bottle but it means you have all the hassle of sterilising, storing, cleaning pumps…….. Great that you have good support from the breastfeeding team, make use of it. Baby is only two weeks, you now have a good supply and if the pumping as well is giving too much and making latching difficult then you maybe need to cut that back. Let him sulk on the couch, you and baby can be in the bedroom, bonding, getting to know each other, working out what works for you. I hope that you get out very soon for your walk with your baby, fresh air is always good and walking under trees is great as it gives the light and dark that suits their ability to focus.

He cant do broken sleep? What did he think having a newborn baby would be like!? And telling you to be on the sofa is beyond selfish. How you've not gone ballistic and lost your shit i dont know. Have you managed to have a word with him about criticising you?

The feeding method needs to be one that works for you and the baby - no one else. Your arrangement is not working for you - from what you've said, it sounds like you should be feeding your baby exclusively by breastfeeding, on demand, regardless of whether your husband likes it. The pumping is exhausting you and affecting your baby's latch. Maybe tell (don't ask) your husband that you want to stop the bottle feeding for a while and see how you get on. Good luck, it honestly sounds like you're doing really well. Most people couldn't host others in their home for ten days with a newborn!

Scratch mits are attached to most sleepsuits. I think Sainsbury’s ones definitely had scratch mits attached. My babies’ nails were so sharp, they were a lifesaver.

Now that is team work👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Hey, just some advice n the fingernails. When I had my first, the midwife told me I didn’t need to use a nail cutter as at that age, the nails are so soft they can just be peeled off. We tried it and it worked. Also try it when baby is sleeping so there’s less movement.

You sound lovely and your baby is lucky to have a mummy who cares so much.

Your partner sounds like a dick - some men have issues no longer being the centre of your world when a baby enters the picture…

Do not give up your maternity leave if you’re able to keep it to 12 months, unless you choose to shorten it. You won’t get this time again @Aristocack

Feel for you OP. You've had lots of sound advice which I won't add to. Sounds like DH needs a reality check. There is only one baby in this relationship!

Please talk to a health visitor. I'm worried for you.

He doesn't sound a good partner or dad at all OP.He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.Good dad's dont belittle and shame their child's mother like that.And why the hell are you being expected to host his family and cook them meals when you gave birth TWO WEEKS ago!! You must not put up with how they are treating you.Put your foot down and say that he needs to start respecting you and supporting you as do they otherwise they can leave.

Have you read all the OPs posts? Please do and then come back.

OP I really feel for you. Postpartum is such a vulnerable time and to have a partner behave like that is so scary. Not only what he’s accused you of (little babies scratch their faces sometimes, it happens) but the fact he’s making you pump because he prefers that to you waking him up?! That’s a joke. Pumping is so so hard on top of breastfeeding which is also a lot of work. You’ve done amazingly well to establish breastfeeding despite the initial challenges so you should be able to just feed your baby directly if that’s what you want to do. He should not be dictating that.

It’s also completely mad that he’s invited his family to your house ten days after giving birth for so long and you are even having to cook for them?! I couldn’t cope with that at all let alone all the other things you mentioned.

This man is trying to control you, please speak to your midwife privately and maybe go and stay with your mum if you can? You sound like a lovely mum and you deserve to be treated with love and care.

Well done on telling him that his night routine isn't working for you and the baby. If he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa he can send his relatives away. Any guests should be providing more help than causing work.

Get rid.

Honestly it’s hard motherhood. I cannot imagine how difficult single motherhood can be. But what you are doing! Managing an unhelpful yet overbearing man child… it’s even worse.

Well done for standing up for yourself and newborn. Hope u get a good rest and get out tomo with baby for a coffee. Please try and seek some medical assistance if your bleeding is bad and just to get some support as his behaviour is not normal! My daughters father was a useless know it all he needs his sleep prick as well!

Yeah I felt like everyone was being a bit hasty with the whole LTB bit previously but this is absolutely insane.

So he’s had you cooking and cleaning to prepare for guests, he gave you the finger during a discussion about maternity leave (and felt it wasn’t fair that you got longer 😂), and now he thinks you should sleep on the sofa so his rest isn’t disturbed.

I don’t know if the two of you can get past this but it’s something he needs to sort out for himself because he’s deluded and also dangerously ignorant about babies and postpartum mothers. You can’t help him with that part.

Jesus, what a fucking prince. Telling you to sleep on the sofa.

Where are his family sleeping? I suggest he sleeps in with them if he doesn't want the sofa, and if there's no room for them, then they can go book a hotel and stay there. They should be ashamed of themselves imposing on you like this.

Look up the safe sleep guidelines, and sleep with baby in your double bed, or just next to it, and you sleep when baby sleeps, then wake to feed, change, then go back to sleep. You'll get so much more sleep than doing a weird shift pattern.

Your partner is incredibly horrible and selfish.

Well done for setting that boundary OP 💪

Presumably if he’d not invited the world and his oyster to stay there would be a spare bed for him?

No more hosting either OP. And speak to 111 about that bleeding.

Sending you love and strength. Those first few weeks and months are such an emotional rollercoaster in the best of circumstances yet alone with someone like him.

Notice how he responds to your boundaries. Talk to a domestic abuse helpline when you get time and just check your relationship against what is healthy. Know what’s ok and what’s not and keep those boundaries. Be ready to leave in a hurry. Create a ‘go bag’ if you can. Keep your eye on him. Familiarise yourself with the signs of coercive control. Start creating an exit plan in case you need it. Don’t get yourself in a financial position where you can’t leave if possible. Be very observant of his patterns. And know your worth. You deserve better than how he has been treating you.

The fact he suggested you stay on the sofa until 3am would be enough for me to pack my bags.

Agree ! Sounds like the start of abuse.

OMG what made you pick this Prince to be a male role model for a real Father?
Real Dads look after their Child's Mother so she is comfortable, well fed and rested after doing an enormous job of carrying and growing a baby in her body and then giving birth to her precious child. BF is not easy for every Mum, but you are blessed with a good milk supply. You need time and patience to heal, not this prick.