Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

I thought this. I don't remember any gushing, and by 3 weeks it had calmed down a bit. OP please talk about this to the midwife/health visitor. Ideally take your husband with you, tell them everything you have had to do since birth and they will likely outline how you need to rest and be looked after

I was thinking Italian. I'm sure we all have our reasons!

I'm hoping OP is alright now. Worrying about the bleeding...

Stop pumping, you’re creating over supply. The more you pump, the more you produce.

Your partner is a twat.

Yes that's concerning, and on top of everything else. I really don't like the sound of the situation at all.

I completely agree. He sounds utterly horrendous. OP I really hope you don’t plan to stay with this guy - he doesn’t give you a shit about you. Or the baby.

Hope you are ok OP, definitely go to where you had the baby or call them asap if you are having bleeding that heavy. 💐

OP - you must be exhausted. Pumping and breastfeeding is such hard work. If you are able to exclusively breastfeed and want to then I really think you should do that and sod your husbands 6hrs of uninterrupted sleep. I think you should ring the national breastfeeding helpline to get advice regarding pumping and breastfeeding - your oversupply sounds significant and you run the risk of making yourself ill with blocked ducts and mastitis. Plus you are missing out on time with your baby whilst being stuck to a pump - please don’t let your partner make you miss out on that for his sleep( and I say this as an exclusive pumper who is still pumping with a 9 months old).
https://www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk
if you are unfortunate enough to develop mastitis due to the oversupply then this is the most up to date help on treatment (don’t apply heat whatever you do - ice packs all the way). https://www.bfmed.org/assets/ABM%20Protocol%20%2336.pdf

wishing you all the best. And also do get his relatives to leave asap - you should not be hosting them for 10 days 2 weeks after having a baby!

You will look back on this time and wonder how you managed everything. At two weeks old everything you do should be about making things as comfortable for you and your baby as possible. It's not acceptable that he has invited family members to stay for so long, and I bet in the future when/if they have children they will wonder what on earth they were thinking for staying with you for so long. I agree with the advice to stop pumping, as this isn't for your or your baby's health - it's to help your husband get sleep. He really needs to have a wake up call. If you can move somewhere where you have people on your side looking after you then this is absolutely what you need. You sound like a great mum - what you are being expected to tolerate is not ok.

There’s something really not right here. You’ve just given birth.
Why are visitors here for 10 days?
Why are you cooking for them?
How dare he make those comments about red marks in front of them
He knows about the nails but hasn’t cut them himself
Going on about it being hot upstairs- if that’s what he thinks he can sort it out
Who cares if a teddy bear coat was too big

It is surely basic that you look after your wife when she’s just carried a baby for 9 months and pushed it out. You don’t start criticising every little thing and try to make her feel small and undermined. Where is the love, the teamwork, the care?

Do you have family you can go stay with?

I told him the night shifts aren't working for me and the baby as they are disrupting me bonding with the baby and establishing feeding (I feel this quite strongly, it's not natural to be away from him for 6 hours each night at 2 weeks old and I don't care about having 6 hours unbroken sleep) and he said that it's up to me but that he doesn't think me being up doing all the feeds will work as apparently "I struggle with the baby 3 hours on my own without asking for help" (Because I dare ask him for help when we are together in the house in the day)

He then begrudgingly said that we can try but he said he can't do with broken sleeps so we still need to be separats at night. He tried to argue that he should have the bed on his own each night until 3am and me and baby on sofa and then me and the baby can come up at 3am and join him once he's had a good sleep.

I shut that down and said I want the bed as I need to sleep in between feeds and need to be comfortable when breastfeeding. I said that he is welcome to be in bed with us but he has chosen to sleep downstairs as he "can't do broken sleep"

This is one of the most disturbing threads I have ever read.
@Aristocack - this man is wicked. How dare he tell you a schedule of how you breast feed your newborn.
This is bad for you and your baby.
Stop this now.

Personally I would go to my mums while his cheeky relatives are in your home.
I don’t know if I would return either.
His behaviour is horrendous - more red flags than Red Square.
At the very least show your midwife/health visitor these posts.
Honestly -you need support and help to navigate what you are going to do as this man is selfish, controlling, cruel and IMO potentially dangerous.
He doesn’t give a shit about his child -that baby only wants & needs you and your breasts right now.
Give your baby what he needs - not what the idiot man wants.

I’m sorry but he’s a selfish twat. His wife and newborn stay on the sofa so he can have a good sleep?? I don’t think anyone can ‘do broken sleep’ but you just have to crack on

Furious for you OP this isn’t normal. I’d stop pumping or you’ll start chasing your tail keeping up supply. Also, you might not need to cut baby’s nails with clippers, they are easy to file down easily.

Well done OP

He's either dangerously immature, or just plain dangerous. Really controlling. Not a good sign, at all.

In your position id be out of there based on what you've said. If I had somewhere to go I'd be there.

Definitely show your health professional this thread. Give them the link and let them read exactly the words you have written.

You absolutely cannot sleep on the sofa with a baby!! That is so dangerous and is completely against the safe sleep guidelines. Has this prick read anything about how to safely care for a baby?! OP do not let him have the bed under any circumstance- shove the lullaby trust guidelines under his face. Like others have suggested I would bring up his suggestion of this (and everything else) with your midwife.

Well done. And BTW it is completely normal to get your partner who is the father of the baby to help at any time. There is no rule that says it is your job to do everything - unaided - for your baby. At two weeks post birth, while he’s on paternity leave he should be doing his best to make life easy for you (and NOT suggesting you sleep on the sofa so he can get sleep).

He wanted you to sleep on the couch with the baby?! How have you not left this arsehole. Agree with a pp that his behaviour is sinister.

A decent man wants his partner/wife and new baby to be content and will do what is needed to facilitate this.

OP, you need to get your midwife to tell him that you and the baby are NOT to sleep on the sofa! It's very dangerous for a baby and mum to fall asleep on the sofa at night.

Well done for speaking up to him. He is being unthinking and selfish at best, cruel and controlling at worst.

You are the one who has just given birth.

You are the one who is breastfeeding.

You are the one that needs taking care of right now.

You are the one that should be a priority.

It is so vile and actually very dangerous to suggest you have baby on sofa until 3am.

A good dad would look after their baby's mum.

Has he ever shown controlling or uncaring behaviour before eg during pregnancy or earlier in your relationship?

My advice:

Stop pumping.
Prioritise your own sleep.
No more guests until baby is 3 months old at least.
Talk to the health visitor/ midwife and be honest.
Go for that damn coffee with your baby and enjoy it!

Really glad to read this, OP. It's the natural and normal thing to do. I do hope you and your baby can get into a routine that suits you both.Your partner needs to realise that your baby's welfare comes first.

Just to clarify he meant me on sofa and baby next to me in the moses basket but I'm not defending him as I still think it's a horrible suggestion

WTF have I just read: he has asked the mother of his newborn, a breastfeeding mother who is still bleeding from giving birth, to sleep on the couch with the baby in a basket next to her because he wants the bed?

Please leave him as soon as you're able. It's only going to get worse.

You cant possibly think this is normal. Go to your parents. I am furious on your behalf.

Would your mum be able to put you up?

At the very least I would go there if she can and tell him that you will be back when his guests have gone.

All a baby needs at two weeks is you.

That said, I agree that you need medical attention. The bleeding should be tailing off now not flooding. Do you feel ill or feverish?