Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Wow @Aristocack he has shown his true colours hasn’t he? What a grade A arsehole. It’s all about him having a good night while painting himself as Dad of the Year!

He is a vile controlling bastard and you deserve so much better 😞

No, no, no, no, no. The baby is TWO WEEKS
OLD. Stop pumping, breast feed the baby whenever it wants. Ditch the bottles. Sleep in whatever pattern you want.

Phone a midwife/NHS 111 /a GP to discuss the bleeding. Post natal bleeding isn't AIUI supposed to increase over time and shouldn't again AIUI being gushing at two weeks after birth.

You might need to be readmitted to hospital and usually you'd be admitted together with your baby which would 'fix' your current problem and be a very good reason for the family visitors to go.

The obvious solution to your husband needing uninterrupted sleep is for him to sleep in a different bed and for you to manage the baby for the whole night - if you can safely breastfeed lying down you may well get more rest that way than by trying to pump lots.

If your husband is an overwhelmed, caring but worried new parent he needs to talk to the infant feeding team re disruptiveness of pumping and bottles at this stage.

If he's newly showing dickish qualities then you'll be better off separating and co-parenting.

I agree. His behaviour is awful and uncalled for. Having relatives staying for so long is way too much. Babies need peace and quiet, calm bonding with their parents.
As others have suggested, could you take the bs y and stay with your family?

For some reason I'm thinking Dutch or German... but you're probably right.

Just read all your posts OP. It sounds like a lot is going on when really it should be you and your baby getting to know each other.

I'd say stick your heels in, and tell him that you are feeding your baby when it suits. And will be taking 12 months leave. And you will be going for solo walks with your baby every morning from now on. Whatever it is you want to do.

Honestly, I would have been traumatised by this when my first was newborn. Now if someone asked me why my child had scratches on their face I'd just tell them it was because I forgot to trim my nails before I scratched them. You will arrive at a place where you stop worrying about whether people think you're a marvellous mother, because you know you are 💕

I 100% agree with this. I would leave.

OP, please pack a bag and go stay with your mum. It will only get worse.
Partner can entertain his family and get his sleep and hopefully you will decide you’re happier without him.

You tell him in private to wind his neck in. This is new to BOTH if you. You have no idea why baby had red marks, nails, too hot, belly ache??? The baby was actually outside in the sun ? Maybe it was his doing.
Tell him you will NOT be criticized infront of his family. If it happens again, you will leave,

And this is how abuse starts.

Mr Wonderful realises that his partner is trapped by the baby and he can do what the fuck he likes because she wont want to leave. The mask falls off and you realise that underneath his is Mr Nightmare.

Sweetie, this is going to get A LOT worse. Best bet is to leg it now, take it from one who knows, because this is about as good as it is ever going to be.

This. 100% this.

That’s rediculous. You should be feeding baby as you see fit and he can sleep on the sofa if he’s tired. You’re mum, you dictate all of this, not him.

French, Dutch, German, MARTIAN or TRUMP he's an asswipe who is NOT a good father, is a worse husband and needs to be told such. From here forward he can wipe his own ass on his own sleep sched b/c you will not be there to do so or to entertain his utterly inconsiderate clueless family. Saving for a new car...wtf??? I'd car hire to fam or friend...this twat sounds horrid..and potentially years of BS. Sorry you have to deal w this as a v new 1st time mum

Can you let us know how he lived to regret it? Might be useful for others.

Take your baby and get the hell out of there OP. Can you go to your mum's, friend or other family member?

Please use the bleeding as a means to call your local hospital to get checked out, I really think you need some immediate support for your safety and you can keep your baby with you. OP, I really hope you gather the strength to leave this awful abusive man x

He sounds very immature. If it helps you could think it's more about him trying to impress his relatives, not about him hating you.

Also concerned about the gush of bleeding two weeks post partum, please phone 111 for advice if it’s heavy.

Something else, OP: consider getting a bassinet to put into your bed, or a sleeping unit that attaches to your bed. Something where you can put baby down to sleep safely right next to yourself. If baby wants to feed at night, you just lean over, pick baby up, whip out boob, put baby on. No need to burp, in my experience. Just return baby to crib once they're done. It's still not great for sleep but it minimises disruption due to night feedings.

And partner can sleep wherever he bloody well pleases if this disturbs him.

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT THIS!

If I was two weeks post-partum and my partner beckoned me over, I'd have trouble keeping my hands to myself, never mind all the other stuff. He needs to know that you can, and will, cause a scene if he starts.

He should be falling at your feet in gratitude that he found a woman willing to carry and birth his progeny for him. 😡

Second that. 'Twat dad' never was more appropriate.

He and his family sound awful, frankly.

And giving you the middle finger for sticking with your agreed up on maternity plan because he wants to save faster for a new car for himself?

Fuck him.

I'd be seriously considering asking him to fucking leave.

OP, I hope you're doing ok right now. Please reread this post as well as the others - so many concerned women are giving great information to you. If you were my niece I would be pinging you the money to get a taxi to your mum's, best friend's, whoever's... Baby first, then you, then everybody else. X