Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

I felt the same. I hated anyone taking my babies. I much preferred to be in our little family baby bubble. It took me weeks to feel even slightly human. No way would I have hosted.

there should be a super mum tribe to swoop in and rescue some of these poor mums. I’d be there in an instant to shoo these awful visitors away, give the man what for, do some cleaning/washing and help her get ready for that walk. Make dinner whilst she’s out and then leave her in peace.

I can only assume from what you’ve said that you’re OH is a) easily overwhelmed especially in front of close family or peers and b) is a total blameshifter.
You, unfortunately have become the collateral damage in his own personality weakness. Read him the riot act OP. I feel this is a decisive moment in your long term futures and how he decides to shape his future role and behaviour.

Please go get the breast pump and all those bottles and throw the lot in your wheelie bin tonight.

I tried pumping in the early days, because DH wanted to feed the baby and I wanted him to do the 4am feed so I could sleep. I got engorged, then I got mastitis. The pain of that is awful. Don't put yourself in that position. It's too much, it doesn't work.

Tell the family they need to stay elsewhere, you need your home to be safe and private. And as for your DH, he's not behaving well or normally at all. Is it malicious? I don't know. If it's safe for you to talk to him about what you need from him, please talk to him. If you feel in anyway unsafe to do that, please just leave tonight, tomorrow, soon and face him when you're less vulnerable

You need to use your voice firstly to tell him to never ever speak to you like that again as you would never hurt your baby and secondly tell him the 6hour things isn’t working as your breasts are too engorged and you aren’t getting a proper rest as you need to be feeding your baby yourself rather than pumping.

at present you are yours and your baby’s voice, speak up!

I’m sorry OP, how awful for you. I think you need to get everyone out of your house so you can all settle and if “D”P isn’t supportive of this or becomes abusive you need to take baby elsewhere. This is bonkers.

Well hopefully now all the bottles of breast milk are used up - you can get on with breast feeding baby and his plans have gone out of the window

do you need any breast feeding support? any telephone numbers people can get you for help with breast feeding, as there are some national numbers and they can put you in touch with local groups

I was thinking a health visitor intervening would be good. Hopefully putting him straight about needing to do what is right for mum and baby, not for his convenience.

Aww he sounds cruel.

You have taken on a lot having just given birth a couple weeks ago

I bet you are doing an amazing job

No advice really but he should be supporting you not making you feel like this ❤️

I'm sure you've done nothing wrong, you are both first time parents and are understandably anxious. I think maybe Dp is seeing things he thinks are wrong, and then stepping in quick to blame you before he gets the blame. I'm not sure what the answer is here, but please tell Dp how you feel when he accuses you, he needs to know how it's affecting you. Sending hugs

Stop pumping. Just stop. It’s so much easier to feed baby directly, and much better for you at this point. If you get a huge oversupply you have a high chance of developing mastitis. It is not up to him.

As for his accusations - please be aware of him being controlling and manipulative. Sounds like he’s being rather emotionally abusive.

You have just given birth and need to rest, breastfeeding is also uncomfortable and exhausting. Why the hell is your husband not cooking for his family? Or for you?

and the asking you to reduce your mat leave down to 9 months because he only got 2 weeks paternity leave and 2 weeks holiday then sticking the middle finger at you, his partner who just gave birth to his baby is so disrespectful. That is not your fault. I am glad you told him no, please do not reduce your mat leave to appease him. Over 12 months you will have also accrued annual leave (as well as leave you did not take before you left) so can use this for part time hours or to add another month/ six weeks onto your mat leave, any your upcoming holiday year.

this is the time you should be nesting not running around after others. Normally when people come to the house it is to help the mother not expect her to serve them! Tell him you are recovering and cannot breastfeed, pump and look after them. Let him run around. also, why can he not do the earlier sleep shift so then you get to pump first, then feed the baby on the boob so then the bottle is ready and you can sleep?

this man sounds like a shit.

It's not helpful to suggest introducing formula to mums who want to exclusively breastfeed. You may think you are helping, but you're not. It's undermining breastfeeding and the more formula that is introduced, the less breastmilk her body will produce due to supply and demand.

Haven't RTFT. I know exactly what's going on, though. Now that he thinks you're trapped, he's bullying you. Lots of people can't resist the allure of that (perceived) power. This is why abuse very often starts after marriage or when the women gets pregnant/has given birth.

You need to show him that you are not trapped, you'll never be trapped, that you are the boss of you, and that you are to be respected. I'd bite back in front of others. After all, he had no problem accusing you in front of others, did he? "The marks are from his fingernails. I cannot believe you are accusing me of hurting him. Stop that right now." Who cares if it makes people uncomfortable? He started it.

You HAVE to bite back, OP.

Oh OP I feel for you - my H was somewhat similar in terms of feeling he had to be in charge all the time after DD was born. It was quite honestly a relief when he went back to work after paternity leave so he could leave me to be a mother. Trust your instincts about the feeding as you know what is best for you and baby

@Aristocack he hasn’t got a fucking clue. He’s made this all about him and his family instead of being there to support and cherish you as you heal from child birth and get into your stride of being a mother. He is taking away your bonding time with your baby to make things convenient for him, when instead he should be making adjustments to ensure you and your child have the best chance to get to know each other.
He and his family are totally selfish to expect you to be running around after them a couple of weeks after giving birth.
Tell him he needs to find his relatives somewhere else to stay and they can only come to your to see the baby when it is convenient for you. If he can’t do this, he can take over the running around after his family and cooking for them.
Time to drop the baton and let them get on with it while you concentrate on baby and yourself.

Can you do the night shifts alone with baby on breast, thus no pumping required? If he can't sleep then he can deal with it or fuck off to the sofa. He can take the baby in the mornings/throughout the day while you nap or you can nap with baby. I wouldn't want to be away from my newborn for 6 hours a day either.

If you want to wrap your baby up and take them for a walk and a coffee just do it tomorrow. Its your baby. You're the mum. He can entertain and look after his family. You only get this newborn experience once and trust me, it flies by, you won't get this time back. Go for all the walks.

Also meant today there’s no way you should be catering guests so soon after having a baby. Your H and his family are entirely selfish and unreasonable to expect that

Seriously stop pumping!!! You are going to get Mastitis from this eventually, just scrap the bottles and keep putting baby to breast. Unless you want a break but then do what works for you x

I am so sorry OP. I would not like that either.

My husband once called me a bad mum (not in front of anyone) in anger for letting Dc2 get a bit chilly when she was 9 months and he lived to regret it. What you are describing is very extreme. You are in a vulnerable situation and I think i would also be taking the baby to my family's if possible. Hope you are okay xxx

Jesus Christ, this family. They all need to fuck off! You are two weeks post partum, you should be slobbing in your PJs with your boobs out, not entertaining house guests. Your “D”P should be saying to them that he’s so sorry but he underestimated how much you would both need privacy and could they please find an Airbnb for the remainder of their trip. And he can chip in out of his new fucking car fund!

As for the accusations, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he ever tries something like that again you will be leaving. He knew what he was doing.

I am livid on your behalf.

He’s French, isn’t he?

How is what I have posted in anyway disrespectful to OP? Or in any way much if a different opinion to what has been posted? What a weird thing to write.

Coercive and controlling springs to mind. Please do speak to your midwife/health visitor and make sure your partner and their family is not in the room or in earshot. It's not uncommon for this behaviour to surface once you are pregnant/have given birth (and ramp up). Strongly recommend that you spend some time with your mum and family without your partner and his family. Can you arrange this when your partner goes back to work, even if your mum is tied up with other caring duties as it will separate you from him and get into a routine?

Gosh, are you Mr Aristocack?