Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Dear god. Please , please take your self off for a well deserved walk and coffee tomorrow. I can't believe what a bunch of inconsiderate pricks they are. I would never ever accept an invitation to someone's house when they'd just given birth !!!

Stop stop stop. Do what you need to do. The baby and you are the priority.

You don’t want the oversupply to get worse. You’ve done great work to get the latch etc sorted. Don’t let your selfish partner derail that!

What would happen if you refused to express? What would happen if you told him you wanted his family to leave?

Oh my god. Welcome to being a parent! He may not get 6 hours in one stretch for months or years! He is wildly naive. I wouldn’t beat around the bush. Don’t pander to him. Don’t be apart from your baby when you don’t want to be. And kick the relatives out!!

Just to add my two pence
. Im sure you said that none of the family members have children? If thats the case then imo that makes everything even worse. Having some support from extended family who have experience with a newborn would /should help to at least ease the stress (I know its dependent upon the type of person) but having that many guests who aren't really helping is a massive hindrance. Its done now anyway but I hope things are improving or at least you are able to speak up a bit more if your partner is still acting up

@Aristocack thinking this through, and my eldest is 31 now, my dh is the most impractical man on earth, and a workaholic. He brought me a cuppa at 6am, I fed the baby and had a quick shwr before he left for work.

He did not feed the baby, he did not do nights. Back then he didn't even have Pat leave - he had a few days at home between Christmas and NY. I was at home alone, from day 14. His parents came for one day. My mother came for one week when DH went back to work, days 7-13!

However, he fully suppprted my attempts (rubbish) to bf, would never have accused me of being less than perfection and I have always felt secure enough to tell him to belt up and behave.

I gave up work when the baby was 16 months, because he was repeatedly poorly. DH just swallowed and worked harder. The wanky car waited until the DC were teenagers and was not dependent on whether I worked.

Go to your mum tomorrow. Please.

Jesus, pack your things and leave, he's really fucking sinister.

Great. You don’t need to make any more bottles. He can sleep in the spare room or sofa like many dads do!

Leave and stay with your mum/family/friend.

Partner needs to clear the house. Now. Get rid of all these visitors.

Get councelling to start over as a family. Keep in touch with councellor.

Remember to keep healthy boundries and have in mind that being a single parent isn't the end of the world.

F*ck your partner. He’s exhausted?! Did he just carry and birth a baby then deal with breastfeeding and PP bleeding? You’re waking up regardless to pump so you’re not getting any or rest, and it sounds like they’re giving him bottles during the day anyway further disturbing your feeding. Unless YOU want to bottle feed your baby (which is an absolutely valid choice for any mother), just exclusively breastfeed. If your DP doesn’t like it tell him to sleep on the sofa.

There’s no getting back these baby days OP, protect and advocate for yourself and baby. Trust your mother’s instinct, it is powerful and will serve you.

And by the sounds of it DP is a selfish, entitled, showboating pr*ck. I wouldn’t be going back to work for him to buy HIS car. Tell him to be a grown up and support his partner and kid.

Tell the feckers to fu*k off and lock them out. What an absolute cheek and your DH is an absolute twat for tolerating this.

To be honest I wouldn’t care what would happen. I would refuse to express and insist his family leave. He’s a selfish arse.

What kind of idiots come and stay for 10 days when you have a new born baby?

Sorry, I accidentally pressed the wrong button.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

I hope you are okay xx

Is he normally like this? Do you think he’s exhausted, overly anxious as most people are with newborns? It’s not an excuse but if it’s new behaviour good to get to the bottom. Can you sit down and have a proper word, tell him it’s unacceptable behaviour but also try to see where his anxiety is coming from?

Get rid of the family immediately. They have no place in your home at this time.
Establish a routine with your baby, sorry people, but there is no such thing as cluster feeding.
When they have finished both boobs that is it until the next time. 3 to 4 hours.
Have the baby checked by a child chiropractor. There are a lot if issues, due to the birth, that can be sorted pretty quickly.
Never apologise, these people are in your house, they should be helping.

Why are you putting up with this ridiculous pumping and night routine just because he can't handle you breast feeding your baby every 3 hours?

I know, this post has really upset me. Probably cos my eldest is now 18 & I hate to imagine her being treated this way when she eventually has a baby. I remember so vividly the sadness I used to feel when people came round & took her off of me & how I didn’t think I could say anything. I just want to advocate for OP & make sure she is well, baby too.

Dear god no 😫 no no no. This is appauling. I am so sorry your going through this. Like others have said i wish, as a mum, i could somehow be around to help, no mum should have to put up with this! Is this new behaviour from him or looking back now with this situation in mind, any other red flags? Please contact health visitor for support asap.

He's an asshole. Maternity leave is not only for the bond between mother and baby but it's more for the mother to heal. Because you grew a whole human.
Please OP, just do what makes you happy. I couldn't BF well and I tried to pump and combo feed/bottle with formula for 6 months and it broke me. I was so much happier when I stopped. Don't kill yourself if it's not working. Enjoy the bonding time with the kid, make a schedule that works for you and do what needs to be done for you and baby. He's an adult, he can figure out his life. Just like he got himself 6 hours of sleep.

This all sounds so sad. I couldn’t imagine having guests to stay at 2 weeks PP. never mind a controlling and horrible man around.

@Aristocack please try to stop the shift thing. Your baby will be confused and I’m worried you’re going to get a nasty infection. You shouldn’t be downstairs isolated trying to do this alone whilst he sleeps. It’s a joint effort. You should be in your bed comfortable if that’s what you want. He should be supportive. This isn’t about him and his sleep it’s about you and your baby.

that breed doesn’t sounds ideal- check there’s no clots. The stress won’t be helping. Can you go to your mums for a rest? You might at least be able to take baby out for that walk you want. The walk on your own will do you the world of good too. Your MH is key here.

sending love

Are you married, if not, ditch the partner, who clearly has no flaming idea.
Sorry, wanted to add that to my original post, but was not quick enough to edit.

So literally the only person who benefits from the “shift solution“ is your partner who is getting more sleep? Otherwise it’s actually making life harder for you and messing with your milk supply. I don’t think he’s a very good dad or a very good partner. You need to tell him this is not working for you and it’s not recommended practice for establishing breastfeeding either.

so much wrong here. 2 weeks post partum you should not be expected to host family and put on a spread of food. if they must visit the family should be doing all the house stuff leaving you free to look after your baby the way you wish. your partner is a total shit and making it all about him and criticism of your mothering and making up problems is despicable. it feels quite abusive and not taking your or your baby's needs into account. I agree it seems quite sinister the way he is putting you down in front of family. please stay strong and talk to your midwife/ health visitor. they have a duty to ask if you need to talk to them away from your partner.

Also, his family that have no experience of babies or how to help out staying for 10 days when you’re dealing a newborn! You’re still bleeding and probably having contractions FFS. Who TF does this to their spouse?!

Edited to add: I’ve currently visiting a friend with a 4 month old. Whilst here I have changed nappies, made a meal, entertained the older child, cleaned up, taken friend out for coffee, basically been extra capacity and support to my friend and her DP. And it’s been an honour to do so. If his family aren’t doing this then they shouldn’t be welcome in your home. Life is too short to put up with people taking these liberties.

Insisting you express to make sure he sleeps smacks of coercive control. Your life will be easier without this utter selfish pr*ck.

Fuming for you OP.