Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Get rid of those people in your house and just concentrate on you and your baby.
Why did you both think that it was ok to people to stay so soon after birth that have no knowledge of birthing, babies and breastfeeding.
Go and take your baby for that walk next week and enjoy a coffee. X

Is baby registered yet?

I'd put this off as long as possible, as the birth certificate is of course required for a passport and given the behaviour shown already, this man sounds dangerous. Who knows where this could end up?

Another poster called it chilling, I agree.

It's a lot to deal with @Aristocack you are afterall just two weeks postpartum and dealing with all that entails (hormones, lack of sleep, adjusting to caring for a teeny human) but this man is making it so much harder. He is trying to undermine your confidence as a mother, undermine you in front of witnesses, he is manipulating you and controlling you. Whilst he may not be planning to take your baby, he is 100% making sure you have a shit experience. He is an awful, awful man.

I know it's easy for us to say "get your baby and leave" but if at all possible I'd do just that.

Sadly I don't expect this behaviour has come fully out of the blue, I am guessing there'll be lots of "little" things over the years that he has done to control you. Lots of things you've overlooked or decided to live with.

Please do not overlook this current situation.

Oh my god I'm feeling stressed just reading this so I can't imagine how you must feel. Sending you the hugest virtual hug. Pack a bag for you and baby and go to your mum's. Don't tell your partner, just leave. Text him when you get there. Ditch the pump - I also ended up with an oversupply due to having to pump to see how much my son was getting because he lost loads of weight. I hated pumping, it made me feel like a cow - I stopped when my boy was about 4 months old and my supply regulated really quickly. He's 9 months now and I'm still breastfeeding and so much happier. Also, most baby sleepsuits have what look like double cuffs - they're hand covers that fold over baby's hands because they all scratch themselves, it's totally normal. If you want to put baby in little outfits that don't have these, m&s vests also have them, or use socks (they stay on so much better than the useless little scratch mittens. You sound like a great mum, your baby is lucky to have you, don't let anyone make you feel otherwise!

Just in case it's useful re the engorgement, I got this haakaa Ladybug thing when I was breastfeeding and it catches excess milk on the non-feeding side when you're feeding and you can also squeeze it and use it as a pump but I'd say it's more gentle than a proper pump, so if you want to stop pumping, it might be a way of relieving engorgement without keeping the oversupply up so much.

I haven't read all your posts yet but I'm really sad to hear he's dictated the breastfeeding schedule because HE was being kept awake and giving you the middle finger during a conversation re maternity leave and finances is really horrible.
F the new car!

I agree with others, stop pumping, say the midwife told you too because the oversupply is risking mastitis and the bottle is risking the latch. If you don't feel comfortable making yourself the bad guy. Tell him to sleep on the sofa.

Fuck his sleep and fuck his car.

He is not the center of the house yet yours and babies needs are coming second to his wants.

You need to ditch the man baby, which will leave you free to focus on your actual baby. I'm so sorry, OP. This is not how good men behave.

OP I don't have much time, so have only glanced over your msgs and not read others' responses. But I urgently want to tell you that you partner, in my view, is being a complete and utter prick.

Firstly, when it comes to baby's nails, something I learned in Africa: don't try to cut them, just chew them off. Put baby on your raised knees, put the dainty little fingers in your mouth while holding baby's hand with one hand and stabilising all of baby with the other, and just gently bite the nails off.

Next, unfortunately, you partner's is a kind of prickery I know. Some men take badly to the fact that they're simply not as important to an infant as the mother and develop an absurd kind of jealousy and/or insecurity that leads them to be interfering and judgmental. That's one part of what I fear is going on.

The other is that notwithstanding his over-enthusiasm, your partner isn't actually being very considerate at all. Having three people stay for TEN DAYS when the baby is only two weeks old is madness. Having you put out a spread for them - wrong use of your time and energy at this point in your life.

Tell your partner that he can entertain the guests - they're his family - and look after you as needed, while you bloody well get to a, focus on your baby and b, get relief when you need it. If that's not compatible with his idea of hosting, well, then the guests will have to leave early or entertain themselves.

Really, he owes you a big fat apology, though may struggle to get it, certainly while his family are here.

Your partner needs to stop interfering with the mother-baby dyad, which is something very special, and temporary. I've had some conventional successes in my life, but nothing has ever been half as satisfying as breastfeeding. It's the only situation where you can give another human being absolutely everything they need. A warm, clean, dry baby being breastfed is the closest thing to perfection on this earth. Don't let your partner interfere with this.

It may be difficult to get him to calm down and be reasonable. Try to be very, very calm yourself. Good luck, this may well be tricky.

Sounds awful. It sounds like he is just trying to show off in front of these people rather than anything super malicious. But still not great behaviour. Rest assured when these visitors have their own children they will br horrified that they stayed with you for 10 days after you had just given birth! Yikes! Who does that! Go out tomorrow morning for your walk and coffee. Xx

OP, sending you a hug.
As others have said, stop the pumping and just breastfeed. Stop the silly shifts. Focus on your baby. If it helps, when my baby was this age, I mostly sat about B/F the baby or taking it out for a pram push. My husband did almost everything else - the cooking, shopping, washing up, etc. It worked for us. Kindly, you were bonkers to agree to all these relations coming to stay just after the birth. They should not be in your home, they should be in a hotel and visiting for brief spells X

I don’t think it necessarily has to be super sinister - men get anxiety about newborns too and it sounds like he really does want to bond with baby.

However, it was completely inappropriate for him to talk to you like that in front of his family, regardless of his concerns. He needs to much be much nicer to you right now, you’ve just given birth.

Some of your other updates about him giving you the middle finger (like a 10yo?!) and wanting to cut short your maternity leave so he can buy a new car are also concerning tbh.

This!! What he is making you do is appalling.I am absolutely horrified. Yours and the baby’s needs come first, not his. What the hell have I just read?

Stop pumping immediately and tell him it isn’t working from you. I wish I was in your home right now. I’d give him the bollocking of a lifetime.

I feel stressed reading this. Honestly, all your baby needs right now is you. Take your baby to your family, relax and treasure the bond you will make. I couldn’t imagine dealing with your current environment, too many people, the judgment and comments. Look after yourself, settled mum means settled baby. Take care x

Why are there even visitors staying for so long and so soon after the birth?
That’s mad.
Just leave take your son and go to mum’s.
not sure what his game is but be careful.

Your partner is a (insert appropriate phrase)! 30+ years ago before lots of men were hands on, my DH used to get up to bring our DD to me to be BF in the night. Once she had fed he would take her, change her, settle her then go back to sleep and get up at 6.30 a.m. to go to work. I would do the days. When he came home at 4.30 p.m. I would go to bed for a couple of hours and he would make dinner. That's how your partner should be doing things - not making you express to suit his selfish self. Pack up and take your baby to your mum's then pull your big girl pants up and tell him how it's going to be! If he doesn't like it then he can "go away". He's ignorant and selfish - if he can't change his car then too bad. If he doesn't like his paternity leave then he should have considered that before you got pregnant. So cross on your behalf - if our SIL behaved in that way then our DD would certainly be having words - children are hard work in the early years and he would do well to remember that.

Meant to add - you could consider offering formula instead of pumping for that one feed. I combination fed my babies breast and formula very successfully - for my second she would have one bottle of formula while I did bedtime with eldest from a couple of weeks old. Never pumped, manageable supply, but all the convenience.

I had my in laws to stay when my second was 8 days old. It was nothing like this.

They looked after my eldest and my partner so that he could look after me and I could look after baby.

He is setting you up to fail, stop expressing and keep hold of your baby. Please reach out to the midwives.

With each update he sounds worse. And very selfish

As others have said, having such a long visit so soon after giving birth (to your first as well!) sounds utterly draining.
It's actually given me the shudders what he's said to you on top of that, though. Like horror movie level creepiness. Has he ever done similar before? Only mitigating thing I can imagine is he's sleep deprived/overwhelmed and acting out in some unhinged way but you absolutely don't deserve it either way.

Bless you OP. I can’t imagine having guests so soon after giving birth. I’m assuming neither the sister or cousin are mums, cos any mum worth their salt would be helping you, not hindering. And as for your husband - he sounds like the biggest baby going. I didn’t BF but even I can see what he’s decided for you is not ok. Baby comes first. Honestly I wish I knew where you were so I could come visit as a ‘friend’ and rip them all a new one. Please take care.

I am so sorry you’re going through that, you must feel used and abused. He might be ‘hands on’ but clearly in a very wrong way that is not working nor appropriate. Really hope you find a solution or way out x x

Sorry you need a complete rethink. All
of these bottles and pumping and visitors isn’t working for you and it’s not working for baby. Your supply isn’t aligned to the baby and you’re having to faff about sterilising things and pumping. Stop the bottles at the very least until your supply sorts itself out/ baby gets bigger.

Overnight have your baby with you near you in bed. A next to me cot can be great. If your partner can’t cope he can come and sleep downstairs from midnight.

Stop visitors apart from maybe parents for a few weeks. You need some calm
time with baby. The medical appointments will calm down.

Honestly it sounds to me as though this is controlling behaviour masquerading as helpfulness. I would call him out on it straight away even if his family are there.

If he won’t agree these changes stick to your guns and if necessary go and stay with your mum. He’s got to realise that he’s not the boss of you. Ditto his stupid ideas for a new car- honestly a fancy car with a toddler is absolutely bizarre thinking.

There would be soooo many of us willing to stop by as a "friend" and make OP the centre of attention, run around after her and generally model for these twits what correct behaviour towards a new mother is. And close the door, to protect her bubble with baby. If only there were a way to organise that! I get it it's not possible but it really makes you want to reach through the screen and be practical and present.

OP, this is unsustainable. Your partner is making all these decisions which are just for his own comfort and not to help you or for your baby's sake.

Call your midwife tomorrow morning and ask her for a private meeting. Tell her absolutely everything.

I breastfed my babies and would have hated to have pumped as well. You're only doing that for his benefit, not for the baby's. I really feel for you

Stop pumping and stop the bottles. I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Your baby is 2 weeks old most people would still be establishing a feeding pattern be it bottle or breast but not attempting to do both. His suggestion for these weird sleeping patterns for you coupled with the pumping are insane. You have to be a special kind of stupid to not expect disrupted sleep with a two week old baby. Your DH sounds horrific. I will guess before you had the baby he was very controlling in other ways.

Why on earth are any family coming to stay for ten days, two weeks after you’ve given birth. I would be gathering up the baby and going to stay with my family. Be very suspicious of his motives OP - he seems to be setting you up.