Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

This!

Was he always a dickhead or has he just let his true colours show now?

You are also risking blocked ducts and mastitis from the engorgement. if that happens you could end up on antibiotics which will alter the baby’s microbiome if he continues to bf. Just mentioning this in case it makes it easier for you to justify to him that you are ditching the bottles. Not that you should have to justify it of course, but it sounds like he wants you to have a boss / subordinate relationship so you will need to articulate your needs clearly and assertively when faced with this absolute prat of a husband.

good luck!!!

Take your baby and go and then sort it out once you are safe

Is there a significant age difference here?

Either way he is a horrible person. No man should be flipping off his wife when they have an argument, that is very disrespectful and ridiculous.

It's a shame there's a baby in the mix now. And having to host his family so soon after giving birth is also strange.

Get in the car and go to your mum’s. You need TLC, not twat dad and his entourage.

I’m glad it wasn’t as bad for you.

This is more than horrible though. It’s sinister. He’s accusing her of hurting her baby. Dictating her BF is controlling.
This is abuse and it often ramps up once a baby comes on the scene. It stirs up jealousy coupled with the sense that the woman is now trapped.

You need to stop bottle feeding from today even if you do nothing else! It’s not achieving anything positive.

The. I would pack the baby in the car and go to your mums.

One off shitty behaviour is one thing but not only does this sound repeated, you’re having to deal with his family.

You will not get those precious newborn days back…. Head to your mum’s, enjoy the newborn bubble, and have a serious conversation with your partner once his family have gone.

I’m not saying leave him full stop, that’s too big a decision at two weeks PP. Bit take some space away from him and his family, focus on baby, then assess your options when it’s just the three of you again.

Your partner has a newborn baby, who wakes up at night to be fed. That's perfectly normal and to be expected. There will be sleepless nights, that's part and parcel of having a newborn baby. This feeding routine that you're in, is purely for your partner's benefit and convenience, because he doesn't like having broken sleep. Pumping and breastfeeding is causing your baby to be confused and for you to be engorged. It all rather suits your partner but not you or your baby.

Your partner doesn't want you taking 12 months maternity leave, because he doesn't like the fact he can't have similar time off. He can't have it, so neither can you.

He's more or less accused you of harming your own child, in front of his family. That's not a normal thing to do, and I would be concerned by his motives.

Your partner is selfish and controlling. Everything revolves around what's best for him. Why on earth are you entertaining his family for 10 days, 2 weeks after giving birth. That's utterly crazy. A decent partner wouldn't have even considered saying yes to family staying at all. Again, it's all for his benefit, so he can show off his baby, with no thought to you.

The night shift is a ridiculous idea, you do the nights. Stop pumping it's causing an oversupply.

Best he can do is take the baby from 5/6am and let you have a few hours uninterrupted sleep.

Op. This sounds unsustainable, unmanageable and, quite frankly, miserable. You should be doing what is best for you and the baby so that you can try to enjoy this time with your newborn to bond. At the moment your DP has you tying yourself up in knots to make his life easier.

You need to very firmly tell him that you will no longer be causing yourself to be engorged and oversupplied to suit him. If the prospect of telling him that fills you with fear then I’m afraid it means you are in an abusive and controlling relationship. I hope you are all to leave with your baby.

Like someone else said upthread, please be careful. He may well be setting you up so that he can justify taking the baby to his home country and not returning him. It's good that he's hands on but he seems very invested and protective whilst ready to make you look like the bad guy and trying to stop you having any contact longer than 9 months.
There have been so many cases of fathers doing this. If he is keen to get the baby a passport, be aware and ensure that the passport is hidden or lost. Don't on any account let him take the baby abroad without you. I'm really sorry to say this but don't be naive to think it won't happen. He's already not supporting you in front of his family. A big red flag.
I hope I'm wrong.

Oh darling, this man is controlling you. At this point you should be resting and feeding as and when your baby needs it, not entertaining his family for 10 days, being forced to pump for his convenience and being put down and made to feel insecure. He sounds like a horrible manipulative excuse for a man. Could you take your baby to your Mum's for a few days to rest and clear your head a bit? You need to think very seriously about whether you will allow this bullying to continue. I'm not saying immediately leave, but he needs to know this is unacceptable! Speak to your midwife too, she might be able to have a word with him about the feeding.

Why do you keep referring to it as ‘help’ he doesn’t need to ‘help’ he needs to parent.

language matters.

I feel cross with your partner. He is not supporting you. He gets his six hour sleep, but you don't - so how is this expressing milk beneficial to you? If it is not beneficial for you, it is probably not beneficial for the baby.

I also feel cross with his family passing the baby about and complaining about lack of bottles. A baby is not a toy.

You are feeding and caring for a new baby - they need to support you, not play at your role while not feeding and nurturing and supporting you. I would go to my Mum's or a hotel for a few days.

OP, this is so shocking.
I think this is a pack a bag and get out of there with your baby.
This is not a good man.
You need to talk to your GP and go and stay with your mother.

You really cannot over react to his accusations.

I don't think you know this man at all.
He sounds unhinged.

You're seeming very passive now. Just take the baby and get in to bed. Stop expressing.

Don't you think it's possible he'll just introduce formula behind her back?

Can you ask your health visitor to speak to both of you together about the pumping and shift situation? He's making this so much harder for you by insisting on giving bottles and clearly doesn't understand how breastfeeding works. I also wonder how he will cope with sleep regressions etc if he can't manage feeding every three hours during the night.

I'm ebf and my husband is sleeping in what will be the baby's room when he's older. Is this an option?

I completely understand you wanting to take your baby out just the two of you. He was inside you a fortnight ago, of course you want him to be with you. Please reach out to your health visitor/ midwife or GP for support.

None of the child abuse cases I heard of involved making red marks on a child's face. Of course it's baby scratching herself.

He is an absolute dick who is trying to show in front of his family that he's the man of the house, at your expense. You need to start standing up for yourself because it will only get worse if you let him treat you like a doormat.

Also his family staying with you for 10 days while you have a cluster-feeding newborn??? Are they at least helping with anything or just there for free food and accommodation?

I think this might be one of the most heartbreaking posts I’ve read. OP, stop the pumping if it’s not working for you (which it clearly isn’t), let your midwife and HV know what is happening (tbh when they ask about feeding I’d explain what you’re doing and why - for his sleep - in a naive sort of way, and let them be the ones to tell him it’s ridiculous), and get yourself to your mums for a bit.

OP you being caught out with a gush of blood is exactly the reason that random family members don’t usually come to stay when there is a newborn infant and PP mother in the house.

you have so much going on atm. You need to feel safe and comfortable in your own space. With my first my nipples were so shredded that I had to be topless when not BFing. Your body it very very literally trying to knit itself back together and get your organs back to where they are meant to be. You are dealing with nature’s most powerful biological forces right now, and all the while responding to, being watchful of and caring for a 24/7 tiny creature who needs every ounce of your attention. And your brain and body know this, so they are providing all of that, and ON TOP are trying to stay polite, sociable, hospitable.

this is all without the husband’s scandalous behaviour.

honestly this has to stop. You need to get out to your mums if you can to give your head a break and some fresh air. x

This is absolutely ridiculous, I'm sorry. You don't get to stay up until 4 am because your husband wants his precious sleep undisturbed! He has a newborn FFS!
He can sleep on the sofa or a blow up mattress if that's an issue.
It's unsustainable for you, you're going to be absolutely exhausted by the time your baby is 4 months old.

Also, he's an absolute ashole for what he said in front of his family. This all sounds very manipulative and controlling...

OP, first things first.

You hold the baby all the time. You are not putting on spreads for people or acting like you are the host.

Leak blood all over instead of handing your baby to them and scampering around finding pads. LET them feel the discomfort and inappropriateness of them crowding you out of your own home.

You are the boss. You are the mum.

Get the midwife over. Get a friend over. Hire a mother's help to come over. Get people over to the house over the next few days on your side who know what's going on, who will run interference for you, refer and defer to you and show these people that you are boss.

Do not make one single cup of tea for anyone. Expect to be waited on. They will start to treat you how you expect to be treated.

You will need to keep re-asserting boundaries BIG TIME FOR A LONG TIME. But that's what your child needs from you.

Big mama bear.

I feel nervous about the advice to her to ‘stand up for herself’ without her having back up. I think he’s showing some clearly abusive behaviours and we don’t know what he’s capable of.

I’d stop the pumping, it’s so early it’s not helping your supply get established. Just stay with your baby for the whole night and have naps with them in the day. Let your partner sleep elsewhere if he doesn’t want to be disturbed.

Also start doing g what you want to do… wrap yourselves up and go out for a walk early one morning to get your coffee before they’re all even up. You sound like you’re doing amazing ❤️