AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

That's a thoroughly inadequate response for how badly she has betrayed your trust. You are not over-reacting. What she has done is awful and she doesn't realise is. Her "apology" is meaningless if she doesn't understand the magnitude of what she has done.

This is a terrible invasion of your privacy and I’d be furious too. I think your husband is right, change the locks and don’t invite her to stay when you’re away again. I’d be so upset too

My mum called me yesterday and was shocked that I knew she had invited other people and tried to turn it into us spying on her with cameras.

DARVO.

Is your mom a narc? Because she sure is acting like one. No apology for letting your stepsister and her partner and some rando they brought along loose in your home and she left them alone there? No apology they left mess?

You might want to read Harpy's Child on the Parrish Miller site about characteristics of narcissistic mothers. Take a very long break from contact with your mom. She really screwed the pooch here.

Classic DARVO. You are the bad person for having security cameras and "spying" on her and then for "overreacting". It's not an actual apology if it's caveated by non acceptance of your level of upset by saying you are overreacting. Frankly, she sounds like an utter bitch.

OP, I don’t think I’ve seen a thread with a more unified response. She doesn’t think you’re over-reacting, she’s just acting like that’s what she thinks to get you to let her off.

And turning being caught into you having done something wrong is classic DARVO (Deny, if that doesn’t work, Attack, if that doesn’t work, Reverse Victim Order - you see it all the time in men who have been caught cheating. Deny, deny, deny, attack the accuser “are you cheating, is that where all this is coming from?”, and when proof is presented “you’ve invaded my privacy, I am the victim”).

I agree with PP, if you do choose to forgive her and continue a relationship I think it would only be fair to allow your husband to decide if he is willing to forgive and let her back in your home. If he says no, meeting somewhere neutral would be best.

God. She's just awful. I am so sorry and totally unsurprised. It's like I said in one of my first comments - people abuse you because they want to, that's the whole of it.

I could not tolerate her in my life after this, it would take months, maybe years before I'd even want to speak to her again, if ever.

What is your husband saying?

Agree.

Some of the other posters thought your M had been coerced into inviting these people.
Doesn't sound like it to me.
As if you would want your estranged s/s, her dodgy partner and an unknown treating your home like an Airbnb! She even left before them!
I would never let her stay again. Not fair on you or your DH.

Sorry your mum has behaved so appallingly.

Is it possible that she has brought these guests to your house before (pre camera installation) and got away with it, her response seems very blasé. If she really thought it would all be fine then she could have asked. Sorry you have been so disrespected.

Over reacting?? Yes, I’m sure she’d love people staying at her home without her knowledge when she’s fallen out with one and doesn’t even know another. This is your HOME not a holiday let.

I wouldn't be seeing her again for the foreseeable and it's unlikely she'd ever be back in my home. I'd need to count the tea spoons when she left in case she took a stash for your stepsister.

It's awful and I really feel for you knowing your own mum could behave in such a way.

You are not overreacting. I can see why you might want to minimise it so you don't have to fully acknowledge what your mum has done to you and your family.

I have no advice, sorry. Its something that would make me cut contact with most people but my mum is not most people!

Sending sympathy and hope you work through this best you can.

Your mother is one self centered entitled woman!

Your husband is right

I'm sorry she's so awful and selfish, OP. But you're not in the wrong here.

Did she explain who the random stranger was?

If other beds have been slept in, have you been left doing all the laundry as well?
Disgraceful behaviour by your mum.

Your mother is so in the wrong here. Over-reacting? Please, there was a stranger and others in your house without permission, you could have called the police!! If she brings up over-reacting again, I'd point that out.

This is so awful, I’m so sorry.
this reminds me of my own mums behaviour years ago, which I had to have a lot of counselling for. She’s gaslighting you by trying to make you feel like you’re overreacting.
sending love

Curious when the cameras were fitted.
She knows what she’s done is wrong, as others have said if it was no big deal she would’ve been open about that.
My question about the cameras is because I read your latest reply and immediately thought: she’s done this before, but this is the first time she’s been caught. Perhaps if she normally leaves last she’s able to put everything in its place. But yeah, I’m no longer convinced this is the first time.

well your mother has shown her true colours! I would have to leave her for now to calm myself down but I do think your relationship is irreparable after this OP

It would make me wonder how many times she has done this before but you haven’t noticed because she’s been careful to tidy before leaving. Let’s face it, that’s the only reason you realised this time… It’s a total breach of trust and I’m glad you’re changing the locks.

Sorry to read your update @WeFoundLove. I hope you've had chance to get all your washing done and wafted the bad vibes out of the house.
Sounds like your mum always minimises your point of view.
i don't think anybody would blame you if you went low contact or no contact this is going to give step sister a lot of satisfaction that they got one over on you.
stuff them anyway. Why would you want to stay in the home of someone that you don't get on with for a freebie. cheeky fuckery.
hold your head up and get on with what you have to do . Don't be scapegoated by your manipulative mother.

I don't believe this is the only incident of your mum running roughshod over your boundaries and feelings. Has she ever done anything else?

Is your beef with your SS indirectly caused by your mum at all? For example, have you had to suck up her behaviour as a younger person to the point where you became an adult and said NO MORE!!! whilst your mum asked you to stop rocking the boat?

Nice bit of deflection and blame there wasn't there;

Mum you brought people into my house and breached my trust and security
Wow, can't believe you were spying on me, that's worse.

Your mum doesn't sound like a great mum TBH.

Oh no I knew she would say this as its exactly what my
dM would do. Try to show her this thread and if she still thinks she has done nothing wrong the next steps are to protect your own mental health. Best of luck and I’m very sorry this has happened