We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

This is impossible to answer without hard facts. At the moment the question posed is should your husband blow all the money on living expenses rather than earning a wage, or save for the kids/better retirement. There may, depending on the amount of money, be a middle ground. I think your being very invested in the continuing working side of the argument, means we don’t have key details that might throw up other possibilities. To answer this, I’d need to know, what is the lump sum? When can he draw down his actual pension? How old are your children so when are they likely to go to uni? You’ve mentioned him being able to buy a flat to rent outright, but not wanting to, so not a tiny sum, but rather depends where you are in the country, London rental very different from rural Wales.

in a nutshell is there enough money to invest it, either in property or in the bank/shares/ISAs for your husband to contribute to the household bills/ his costs, through rent/interest, leaving the original sum mostly untouched? Could he do this, release himself from the daily grind, but do something else more add hoc and stress free to top the money up? You’ve said he can’t be doing with the hassle of a rental, but maybe this is exactly the type of compromise needed.

i was fine working at 50 but now into my fifties can’t wait to stop, and I do a vocational job I used to love. I don’t wish to be morbid, you and your husband might both live to a hundred, but no one ever knows how long they have. My father worked like a demon to provide for his family and his retirement. He died from a heart attack at 62. It’s given me a very different perspective on money and enjoying life in the present.

For a lot of people working isn't the part of daily life they enjoy the most, and it's more of a must so that they can afford to live. I am younger than OPs Dh and could see myself having a full and fullfilling life without working, or if working very part-time. It's doesn't have to be that not working equals do nothing.

DH was desperate to retire and did so age 56 at the end of last year, even though he had managed to negotiate 3 days a week at huge contractor rate. He did so because his pension funds were doing well, sadly less well now but still enough for him to contribute. He loves being retired and has thrown himself into many house projects with gusto and joined an expensive gym. It’s also been very useful for me as an only DC of very elderly DPs as things got really bad at the start of the year and DH did a lot of the shuttling up and down, finding a care home near us and getting their house ready for rental.

I had a period of not working last year due to a contract ending and DPs demands. I hated it and was glad to return to relative normality with a 3 day a week minimum wage job.

So that’s me and not really relevant to you, but a few things that I think are.

1)55 is different to 50, although I do agree it feels very young to retire, I am somewhat shocked at those forcing their 60+ spouses to keep on working as that really does feel like a cut off to me.

2. This inheritance was unexpected. It could have been used for care home fees, so it’s not like your financial plans were based around it.

3. You can’t force someone to keep working against their will, but retirement only really works if you are picking it as a positive option and have thoughts and plans about what you want to do. DH is frustrated because I only get 6 weeks holiday in my job so we can’t do big trips, tbh DPs are so shoogly I can’t really do big trips atm anyway. Ask him what his plans are and what he thinks he will be doing.

4. Inheritance feels different from other joint money, so DH and I have joint finances but I would expect to have the last say if and when I do inherit anything from DPs. Luckily we’re both in accord with how that looks generally and would want to have a lump sum for DS to contribute towards house purchase and other big life events, but for example I have told DH that it won’t be used for the expensive extension he planned when the shares were up as I would rather if we did have a spare £150k we would travel the world in style whilst we’re still able. So technically it’s your DHs money.

It's a tricky one, because he is wanting to make a solo decision that affects both of you. Has he actually thought things through or is he just thinking great, I don't have to work anymore?! What is he actually going to do? Has he had any financial advice?
Wanting to save money for your children is an idea but equally you and your DH could enjoy the money yourselves. Do some things you otherwise wouldn't have done.
Personally I think he needs some financial advice, should continue to work - maybe reduce by a day if it's not easy to go PT or change jobs. Just for the next few years.
My DH retired from his job early (similar age to your DH), as he could access his pension. He did take on some PT work related to previous job. This ended up building up to a FT job. When he got an inheritance a few years later, he went back down to PT. He will continue this for the next few years. He has plenty of projects to do when he isn't working!
We have taken financial advice to support us to make the most of our money!

I think the inheritance is his and you can’t tell him what he can and can’t do with it.

But I think you can say if he retires at 55, he needs to plan for 50% of everything for the next 30yrs - parenting / Uni / house / holidays / living - it doesn’t fall to you just because you carry on working and he gets to spend fun money for the next few years then look to you to fund his retirement.

What does he want to do?! Will he do all the domestics and childcare to give you support to work?

This is really tough. In your position I would feel the same, and would want to find a way to set the children up more than you might have previously been capable of. The compromise here is that he splits the inheritance so that some is saved for the kids and he retires not now but earlier than he initially planned. Unless his work causes him great stress I think this is reasonable.
it is ultimately his choice though.

Exactly.

Yes totally agree with this.

Unless you were joint beneficiaries then I would agree with this view - it's his money to use as he chooses.

You seem to be saying it’s a joint decision but he has to choose what you would choose!

Is there no room for compromise? You don’t have to retire if you don’t want to, but he could.

Inheritance really is different, and not just a lump sum to go into joint finances - no matter how long you've been married.

It's a continuation of the people you loved, and can be felt as them continuing to take care of you after their death. It's also their legacy - the product of a lifetime of work and care - which you want to respect and protect.

Having said that, running that legacy down by retiring at 55 doesn't seem entirely sensible if you're not fully financially secure, which to me includes supporting DC through university and some help with house deposits, as well as your own pensions.

There's also the question of maximising the benefit he gets from it. Instead of just using up the money, he'd get much more benefit if he kept working for a few years and put the max into his pension (potentially yours too if he's willing/there's too much to go into his pension in time/you're a higher rate tax payer). Then he can benefit from a 20% uplift on his inheritance (through the tax free lump sum) as well as making use of the £12.5k annual personal allowance until SPA. It's financially very effective, even as basic rate tax payers. (Just be sure to keep his taxed income above the personal tax allowance!)

At 55, he's allowed to take it back out of his pension at any point, so he'll have access to it once he's had enough.

The other thing to consider is that since you have pre-Uni children, you could take advantage of the statutory right to unpaid time off for children under 18. By law, you're each allowed up to 18 weeks per child before the child's 18th birthday, with a maximum of 4 weeks per child per year. You could both stay at your current jobs, but take extended unpaid breaks over the summer and enjoy some incredible family travels before your children leave home.

But be gentle. In the end it truly is - and should be - his choice.

I cannot understand the 'his money, his decision' comments at all.
If by using the money to 'retire' early would mean that he doesn't have the equivalent of his income and just about covers his 'share' then what is he gong to use contribute to anything over his share. Family holidays, home improvements, replacement car etc?
Plus the cumulative effect of not contributing to his pensions over the next ten years?
Him retiring this early on a just about basis affects the OP as well who will realistically have to subsidise him and face a 'poorer' retirement.
I'd lose all respect for a man like that.

I’d struggle to accept my husband being so selfish.
It would definitely change how I felt about him.
I’d offer compromise, part time job, retiring in five years. But I’d really struggle with his plan OP

You have my sympathy x

You're not suggesting he has to wait for you both to retire together are you OP? That would be shockingly selfish of you, given he is older than you.
Remember he, as an individual, matters. He's not just a source of cash for the children.
There must surely be a compromise to be had here.
A 3 year reassessment perhaps?
There was no comparison between how I felt at 50 to how I felt at 55.
Would his plan allow you to retire at 55 if you wanted to? That should be taken into consideration too of course, given your joint finances and commitments.

OP I understand why you feel as you do but I’m afraid I think this is his money so at the end of the day it is his choice. What you can do I think is bring in considerations on the wider family. For example, is the money sufficient for you to retire too? If yes I would propose that the money is used to maintain ALL the family. That way you can continue to work and put aside your entire salary for your children. You each get what you want. If it’s not, then from my PoV it is not enough for him to stop work then. He needs to support his family and I would ask him to compromise to keep working until you can both afford to retire. That would only be fair.
Could he change work to a different job he might enjoy more and use less of the money now? I chose to retire even earlier than your DH (not due to an inheritance but was the main income earner and had enough savings) because I hated my job so much it was killing me. So even though I agree with your reasoning, that makes me a hypocrite. I did feel incredibly guilty but I just couldn’t bear to carry on once I could afford not to. (Note, my DH could have retired too but did not want to). I did go back to work a few years later doing something I love - earning about 1/10 of previous salary. At least it means we can fund our life as is and our children will still benefit from our nest egg. So I guess I would urge understanding and try to find a compromise.
One last thing but really important - if he finishes paid work, I would make it clear that all home activities would henceforth become his if I am
still working FT - cooking, cleaning, anything for the kids. No swanning off all day to play golf and leaving you to start cooking and cleaning when you get in. Be VERY clear on that so he goes into this with open eyes.

I agree with you OP. You can’t have joint finances most of the time but not when one of you gets a large lump sum!

I think he should retire early if that’s what he wants. He may gain the clarity and feel rested enough after a while to start up a small business, do a course or take on a less stressful part time job or something. Many people turn their lives around in their fifties. I think he should have the space and time to consider what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

I agree, I’m not suggesting it’s the case here, but it seems for some that going to Uni has become more of a “right of passage” than a life plan.
Unless study is towards a specific goal ie; medicine, law etc I think it is just a waste of money. So many graduates are working in roles that they absolutely didn’t need a degree, yet are in debt, 3 or 4 years out of a workplace and still living at home.

I’d be in favour of saving a portion of the inheritance for house deposits so kids can leave home and using the rest as joint pot to spend as agreed. But not just for DH to stop working and fritter away on his own.

Let him retire. I've seen so many people work like crazy, always telling me all the things they wanted to do when they retired, only for them to die within a year or two of retirement due to cancer or other unforseen health issues. A handful never even made it to retirement.

My OH took a very early retirement at 45 after a very intense work life with constant travel and long work days. He died at 60 so I'm so very happy he didn't listen to everyone telling him not to.

I mostly agree with this. Though a possible issue being if they don’t currently pay 50/50 for everything, if they pay proportionally and OP is the lower earner for whatever reason (don’t know age of kids or other circumstances).

In that case, I think it at least warrants a discussion about whether it’s actually realistic/fair to expect her to suddenly cover 50% of everything because he has decided to retire at 55. If they’ve always arranged their finances proportionally, his solo decision to stop earning shouldn’t automatically mean she has to find a way to increase her contribution to subsidise his early retirement.

This may not be an issue for this relationship at all but women are often the lower earners for various reasons.

I would see if you can agree a compromise. Perhaps he works onwards to 57/58 then retires and you put some away to support the children. At the end of the day though it is money left to him, so I do think his opinion should really count and the same would be true if the money had been left to you.

But he is not saying screw the rest of you and wanting it all to himself

He has suggested op retire as well and the money can support them both. Op is choosing to continue to work, but he has given her the choice.

He suggested they both benefit from the money. Thay have savings for the kids when they go to uni (if thats what they choose to do)

Op wants the kids to get the money from inheritance by paying uni/house deposits. You could day its Selfish of the kids if they accept that and their parents to have to continue working when they wouldn't have had to ( although op does want to work)

I’m in my 30s, mostly like my job and could happily retire tomorrow (if I could afford to) with plenty of ideas of what to do! Use your imagination!

Exactly sooo true regarding going to uni. Saving for a house is a good idea, but maybe only part of a deposit rather than the whole thing. It feels like so many of the younger generation are entitled and spoiled these days, outrightly giving them stuff doesn't help. Letting them work towards a goal and matching their monetary efforts is better (in my opinion). But each to their own, people are free to do what they want for their kids.