We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

i just asked DH. He said he’d retire today. I’m still working until he retires. I’d planned to retire this year but will keep going until he stops. We have had lots of unexpected deaths around us. It’s changed our attitude to retirement.

I was married 40 years, joint finance from the get go as we were so young and had nothing anyway. Inheritances were individual money.
We did share but there was definitely no pressure.
We planned for retirement together but sadly my husband died unexpectedly recently and never got to enjoy it. I think this happens to a lot of men and could be something that is on your husband's mind too.

My brother ‘retired’ at 54 when they came in to some money. His wife worked 2 days and she gave that up too. They did some travelling. Took a breather. Then with their third child heading for uni he went back to work after a year. It was good for him and he has zero regrets. Still working now at 59.
I do recall SIL being a bit nervous re finances but she also got something out of it. A happier husband and the extended travel. I think your situation is different if his decision benefits only him. Plus the usual worries about having him home all day.
Much depends on what he’s planning to do with his time. Some will thrive and some will stagnate and lose purpose. You’re right to worry but ultimately it’s a matter of helping him decide for himself. Not dictating.

HIS inheritance. There’s your answer. It’s HIS.

Him retiring now will change your marriage if you are not on the same page about how your joint life looks if he retires. So I’d focus on that.

How will he spend his time? Will he take over the majority of the home chores? How do the both of you want things to look?

I’d have that discussion first and then see how him using his inheritance fits in.

Also, what if you are forced to retire early due to ill health? How would that impact things?

Yes but while she was at home doing childcare and domestic chores, he would surely have been doing his share by financially supporting them so no debt is owed from that time.

It's a bit bleak the idea that the inheritance doesn't benefit the next of kin and you are just holding it to pass it through?

Kind of saying you don't actually matter?

There's a compromise though surely. It could be used benefit DH and OP and their kids. In DH's scenario it just benefits him and no one else.

Inheritance money isn't considered a marital asset in most countries unless comingled, such as put into a joint mortgage, that is why people are advised to keep it separate and solicitors have to pay it into a personal bank account, not a joint one.

What age was he planning on retiring? You talk about bridging the gap for 10 years, but also that you have sensibly planned for retirement. So if he was also going to retire before NPA then the inheritance is only to cover the gap for the ‘earlier’ retirement.

Also, were you planning to retire together or separately (considering he is 5 years older)? You say you are happy to keep working, but is there a part of you (irrespective of money) that doesn’t want him to retire without you? That’s not a criticism by the way, just wonder if there may be resentment if you have to keep on with the daily grind and he doesn’t.

Does he hate his job. Is a sabbatical year off something he could do instead as a compromise?

I think within .a marriage the decision and/ or choice to retire early from employment should be a joint one. If he can't draw down any pension it's not really retirement it's a decision to become unemployed. I'd focus on your disagreement over planned retirement dates and impact on Income if he stops work. I don't think it's a good idea to stop work prematurely.unless there's medical grounds or if you both agree that he can stay at home doing nothing much while you carry on working . I would stick to whatever retirement dates you had planned ., irrespective of the financial windfall he has received

The inheritance is capital. It can be spent or saved or gifted, and it's his windfall rather than yours, but I think any decision he makes about it shouldn't impact upon your future choices or your joint security. The choice to spend it to finance his period of unemployment is rather selfish if he doesn't have another proper reason why he shouldn't carry on working.
. If it is a very large amount does the interest on it cover the lost Income if he did give up work ? Could you see an independent financial advisor together to get some professional independent advice.?

There are two things to consider

1. financial - you need to run the numbers to see if the money is enough to give you a proper financial buffer. Take into account inflation, and one off costs (eg, house maintenance, new car). What type of retirement do you want (holidays, hobbies) - does the money truly give enough to do that? When you have a lump sum, it’s tempting to overvalue it. Financially, if I was your husband, I would quiet quit at work and wait for redundancy, or go part time.

2. personal - what does day to day retirement look like? If it is just appealing because of wanting to escape the grind, take a sabbatical instead.

What would a compromise look like though? Ie why q should it be all your way and not his - presumably his relative has died and maybe as unexpected its early? I’d he very aware of time passing now?

however I’d say the year after a bereavement is t the best time perhaps to make life changing decisions, so could he agree to wait a year before deciding (especially if you’re figuring he’ll retire at 60 anyway I think I read upthread?)

I would probably give my kids some of the money, but far from the majority of it. What you are asking of him is to pass the inheritance down one generation and to skip him. Your kids will then presumably inherit again when you and your DH dies.

There is value in letting your kids work for things too and not just give them deposits and pay for their years at uni. Both my kids have been working throughout their uni years, both duing the holidays and during the terms, and I haven't been giving them much money at all. Just paid their phone contracts and sometimes smaller amounts for things like hair cuts or train tickets if they have been a bit skint.

Also, how far away are they from going to uni? Do you know they will want to go? You might now make your DH work for years and then your kids end up not going to uni and instead moving abroad to rent with their new gf/bf, work and live on a cruise ship for the next 10 years, become the next Adele and not needing your money or uni, decide they'd rather live in an off-grid community and live off the proceeds from selling vegetables. Anything can happen, don't make him put his life on hold because your kids might have to otherwise work for what they get in life.

It's his inheritance, presumably his relative that died, so it's his to do with as he chooses.

Think he/you need to do some serious calulations re your finances over the next 15 years (until say the state pensions kick in)

Things to consider -
How much is the inheritance?
What return will it get? Assume around a typical 4% then allow for tax, cgt etc depending on how it is invested.
What will 10-15 years of non contribution (company and personal) into any private pensions do to the final pension payouts? The earliest you can get private pension is 55.
What is he/you actually going to do with all this free time and how much will it cost (holidays etc) ?
Once you have left employment , death in service payout from company schemes stops
Lots of other things

Take some serious advice and do the numbers

"What would a compromise look like?" Well, he's 55, so for example if he would have retired at (say) 62 without the inheritance, a compromise might be that he can now retire at 58/59/60.

So still a big benefit to him, retiring several years earlier than planned, but also putting some of it towards other family stuff rather than using the entire amount to fund a very early retirement.

If he desperately wants to retire, you’re still happy to work can’t you afford for him to do that? You have no mortgage, it might be tight but do-able that way you won’t spend the money.

He can the take over all household management.

I agree it's his money but it's sad he doesn't want to use it some way to materially benefit the whole family.
My DP is retiring aged 58. But he has financially planned for this for years.
The biggest conversation we had was twofold...one what are you going to do all day ? And second does your financial plan change our lifestyle?
It's fine for your DH to say his inheritance is enough for him to still manage his share of the bills etc, but what about holidays? Treats? New cars etc. or in your case uni costs ?
I made it very clear I was not prepared to downgrade to a more frugal life just so he could retire early nor was I prepared to pay for all the nice extras just because I still had an income.
It sounds harsh but it was a sensible conversation.
Your DH might get freaked out seeing his " pot " go down and that cliff edge fall feeling of no income coming in. And then start saying he can't or doesn't want to afford the things you want to do or expected you would both bring doing.
So some really serious looking at the numbers needs to happen.

When we had an unexpected bereavement the hospital counsellor advised us really strongly not to make any decisions for at least a year, maybe two years depending on the nature of the decision - so don’t even move house in the same town for the first year, but don’t move countries for two years.

The way she explained it was that in the aftermath of bereavement people are off balance and not really themselves for a long time, and often make big decisions and then regret them.

During that first year we reluctantly followed that advice: I think if we hadn’t had it we’d have made some radically different life choices and come to regret them.

In your shoes I’d encourage your DH to see an IFA, park the money somewhere for 6 months or a year, and then reassess.

I suspect he’s thinking he could also die unexpectedly and he wants to make the most of life while he can. We spend way too many of our good healthy years working I can understand why he’s thinking this way. Death of a loved one can make you reevaluate.

But I can see your stance too. I think it’s reasonable for some to go to the kids and some for him to spend. Has he suggested doing anything joint with it, even a family holiday? Home renovation? It is selfish to spend every penny on himself when he has a family.

One thing I’d question is what if the kids have different plans for the money than you’re thinking? What if they want to buy themselves a car, travel, try to start a business? What if one child wants to spend it on the uni and house deposit you intend but the other would like the same money for something different? Do they still get it or does it come with conditions? As you’ve seen from your husband people have very different ideas on how to spend money.

55? He cant retire at 55

whats he going to do for the rest of his life?

he potentially has 30 more years of living

just how huge is this sum of money?

surely quality of life is important? Holidays, hobbies. All this costs money

bills, food shop etc .

fhe money needs to be carefully invested

Even if he takes early retirement by five years, is that really going to affect the inheritance hugely? Presumably after that he can access his pension pot. Could he do a very very frugal retirement for five years and then draw his pension. I would try and do a bit of both. I agree with you that money for the kids starting in life is mega helpful.

Maybe he wants to enjoy himself. I’ve known lots of people who’ve retired at 55.