We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

I’d have said that at your age. By my (early) retirement I was on my knees and desperate to stop. You don’t have to be a wage slave to keep your mind sharp and most people’s mental health improves immeasurably.

There is a compromise for your DH to retire at 60 not 55. Does have poor health or is undue huge stress at work or does he just fancy no more work?

I think a broader conversation should be had about retirement, what life looks like once you stop working. And I'd recommend you both sitting down with a financial advisor before making any decision so you're informed.

But ultimately, the money was left to him not to him and you. So it's of course his decision really. You can dislike his decision and you can disagree with it, but it's still his to make.

By the time you are 55 most workplaces ( unless a judge or something ) are entirely unwelcoming.

My husband retired eight years ago, and Im still working and don’t intend to stop completely for a while longer. I didn’t begrudge him giving up work whilst I’m still working - he hated his last job, had a very long journey to and from work, and there was very little work around in his sector for people in their sixties. He’s been much happier since he retired and it really hasn’t had any impact on our lives with me still working. I care enough about him to want him to prioritise his wellbeing over having extra savings sitting in the bank.

We’ve both had inheritances from our parents. The first was many years ago when my dad died. We were in our early 30s and I was happy to use most of the money towards a house move, and used the rest to pay off my debts. But we both inherited from our mothers fairly recently and it didn’t occur to me to give a say to my husband in how I used the money I received, any more than he consulted me about how he should use his interitance. It might have been different if either of us had inherited millions, but most people dont come into that sort of money, and, unless there is genuine hardship, I really don’t think anyone else should have a say in how an inheritance is spent

If he wants to retire early and the inheritance could fund that (if correctly invested rather than frittered) then he should.

My DH died this year at 62 from a sudden onset, life limiting illness. He was slowly stepping back from work and was perhaps semi-retired but I will always feel very sad that he didn't get a proper retirement. He was robbed there. We both were.

It's your partner's choice what to do with his inheritance. You need to step back here.

Same here. In terms of work v retirement 55 is a very different mindset/energy level than 50.

Why do people always feel so entitled to other people’s inheritances?

Yes - because it's kind of saying "you don't matter"!

Men get such a hard time sometimes, if you’d inherited from your family and he was telling you you’re not allowed to retire early there would be uproar from everyone.

I wouldn't have the brass balls to tell someone else how they should spend their inheritance. I don't see that as joint finances, it's nothing to do with you. He should do what he likes with it.

My ex husband received inheritance during our marriage and when we divorced I didn't even have that in the calculation of our assets, why would I? It's not mine!

It's not yours to decide what happens with it.

Read more inheritance threads - she would get exactly the same response if not more so.

The point here is that he isn't just making a decision on spending "his" money, he is wanting to make choices which affect the family and reduce their joint retirement income - that needs to be a joint decision.

Inheritance isn’t a joint asset (depending on what he he spends it/uses it for) so he can spend it however he wishes, yes it would be nice if he set aside something for the children’s uni funds etc however you are on a good position by being mortgage free at 50.

I can't get my head round the whole premise of this thread. DH regards my inheritance as my money to use as I choose. At the moment, I'm choosing to put it in savings in my name and top up one of our joint savings accounts which we use to help with DSs uni costs. Like a very large number of parents, we fund his accommodation costs. It never occurred to us to opt out of loans system, surely that's just throwing away money and - ultimately - their inheritance if it lasts that long and isn't needed to fund things for yourself.

But op says he can cover his "half" (I take that as what he puts into the pot now can be covered by the inheritance) so he isn't going to have them scrimping and saving. They are mortgage free and have some savings.

He has obviously done the sums, (especially since he initially suggested they both retire) so looks like they can afford for him to retire now.

I was sacked from a high stress "career" type finance job. Now work at a lower level (still accountancy) and walk away each day at 4:30 without a care in the world.

There is a middle ground from going all the way to minimum wage work..

My DH wanted to retire coming out of lockdown, think he was late 50’s. I said that we cant afford it, we had our middle DS at Uni and we were supporting him.
DS went onto do a Phd ( scholarship based) so my DH decided without telling me to retire at age 61, I said I thought he was waiting til he was 67 ? He said he couldn't wait that long , told me he had significant pensions invested, which was news to me as I thought we were struggling a bit for money.
I’m still working, term time early years, I have a small pension from when I worked FT before children, I want to work as our youngest may want to go to Uni, she’ll need financial support for at least the next 5 years.
I cant help thinking its a selfish desire to retire when you have children's futures to think of, times have changed significantly, young people need support, people say that's what the students loan are for-the loans do not cover all the bills and they were mis sold over the repayments, its a mess.

By drawing down on his current pension pot as well as the inheritance. So his pension will be reduced both by withdrawals and loss of ten+ years contributions. That will make a notable hole in the pension pot he could have anticipated at normal retirement age.

It may be his inheritance but its the OP's marriage and life as well - they are a partnership or should be. When one partner makes choices which have a negative impact on the family or partner then that aspect of the decision should be joint.

Yeah but they'll be no more savings for the children. I'm a millennial but I plan to help my kids with a house deposit if I can (I'll go without holidays and fancy cars to do so), so I just wouldn't do what's he's planning to do.

I disagree with most of this thread that an inheritance is nothing to do with the spouse, in my marriage money is shared. My husband probably won't inherit anything, I probably will, I don't care, it's joint money to benefit our family.

I am 55 and would retire in a heartbeat if I could afford to. I didn’t feel like this 5 years ago.
In the past week I have been to the funeral of a 58 year old friend, another friend of a friend passed away last weekend at 53 and last night was chatting to a friend whose running partner had a cardiac arrest last weekend out running with them at the age of 32. Life is too short and if he is miserable at work, 5 years is a long time to keep trudging through it especially when he’s been left an ‘out’ by someone who wanted to help make his life better. I would also hate to think my parents felt they needed to keep working and go without to provide for me as a young adult and know my dc would feel that way too. Uni doesn’t have to be excruciatingly expensive, I’ve put both my dc through uni as a single mum and yes they have student loans (as I did too) but both worked and I helped them through it. Didn’t break the bank for any of us. One commuted and one lived away.
hopefully you can reach some sort of compromise - perhaps invest for 2 years and plan for him retiring at 57? Then the great escape is in sight but gives you both breathing space and time to plan for retirement and for your dc to decide their paths in life too as they may not want to go to uni). But please don’t underestimate how he feels about retiring. I would never have thought I would feel like this at 55 when I was 50. I don’t hate my job but am done and would love the opportunity to retire.

You don’t say how old you are. I was absolutely done by the time I was 61 and called it a day the month after my 62nd birthday. Your bloke has my sympathy.

This.

having had joint finances for so long now I feel that it should be a joint decision.

Feeling like it should be is different to the legal reality. Were OP to split, assuming needs can be met already, DH would keep his inheritance anyways.

OP have your say, that’s entirely reasonable but then back off, you’re treating it like it’s yours too or should be a joint decision. I know 3 people who’ve had a heart attack in their 50s this year. One died. Life is short and it’s his call ultimately and certainly nothing for you to feel resentful and grabby about.

+It’s a bit haughty to assume he will regress by ‘pottering’. Many retired or semi retired people live full meaningful active and fulfilling/rewarding lives. Their brain doesn’t turn to mush but they get to enjoy a new exciting chapter. Just because you can’t see life outside work at the moment, maybe he does and a good outcome be that he also decides to compromise and take on board some of your suggestions.

Spot on. It's bizarre almost these people saying 'Ooh you can't retire at 55' - that's exactly the age that for many years the government has seen fit to allow access to private pensions from. It is not at all unusual for somebody with a half-decent job and a bit of financial savvy to aim to retire at 55.

And for those asking 'But what will he do?!?!' - do you really not have anything other than work that you can think of to fill your days? I really like my job but if I do a stroke of work past 55 something will have gone very wrong, and the list of things I've got to get stuck into is already as long as my arm - basically all the things in respect of which I've thought 'I'd like to have a proper go at that' but never had the time. Can't bloody wait.

I think this is up to your husband. It’s his money. I know you are married with kids and shared finances but I think all you can do is give your opinion but ultimately it’s up to him. Maybe he is burnt out. I wouldn’t have an issue with my husband retiring in this scenario.

The retirement more than a decade early needs to be a joint decision because it will reduce their joint incomes in retirement and reduce their ability to support their children.

Its presumptions to assume you know the OP's husband better than she does. I never worried about DH retiring early because I knew he had a lot else to fill his time. I'm guessing the OP knows her husband at least as well as I knew mine.