We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

But did you stop work without a discussion? Plus in the OP's case it is more than a decade early rather than a couple of years early which has a much greater impact on final pension income than just 2-3 years early.

I would never have considered taking early retirement without that discussion and ensuring it didn't have a negative effect on DH.

@UnwillingAdvocate I don’t feel “entitled” to his inheritance. If I felt entitled to the money I would be telling him how it would be spent.

It’s complicated and whilst I have sympathy with those who have experienced unexpected and young losses, I’m not living life on the basis it could all be over tomorrow. I’m a planner and a saver and I’m cautious. The idea of being given say £200,000 today and spending £20,000 each year for 10 years until there is nothing left just doesn’t sit well with me.

Woah, this would be a deal breaker for me, something I wouldn't be able to get past. I mean , a life changing sum of money enabling me to retire a few years early when slagging away in along hours job with no prospect of part time

Well, given that inheritances aren't generally included as joint assets in the event of a divorce (though there are some exceptions), the inheritance will likely remain DH's, irrespective of whether your marriage continues

My partner inherited money unexpectedly earlier this year. It's his money and at the end of the day it is up to him what he chooses to do with it and I would respect what he decided but we have discussed the pros and cons of various situations together. Even if he did/does something I wouldn't have done I feel appreciative that he has included me in the discussion.

For me the he is not being unreasonable to want to spend the money on retirement but I feel that he is being unreasonable in making that a unilateral decision.

My partner has made the decision to invest/save the money and in the short term used the interest to supplement our lifestyle and keep our longer term savings in a good position whilst I am out of work looking after our children (1 and 6). In the longer term he plans to pay off the mortgage which will allow him to have longer term financial security and allow him to continue in his chosen career that can come with instability and will allow him to retire early.

For me, using the money to retire early and using the money to retire right now are too slightly different questions. I think I would discuss with him not making any big decisions right now, as you have said, if he did leave work and decide he has made a mistake he might find it difficult to re-enter the workforce again. I think I would look to see what can be done to make the money work for the family over the next 12-24 months. Could the interest on the money be used to future plan for the children transition into adulthood? Then him using the initial pot to retire in the next 2-5 years.

Your NU to have expected DH to share your values and want to prioritise the DC’s future, but you are being at least a bit U for not recognising that this is DH’s money ultimately or - more importantly - for not exploring with him just how unhappy he is in work?

My DH was still happy working at 50 and even 55, but the economic and political climate of the last 2-3 years means that the toll of working at such high intensity stress-wise and often longer hours as he is now more senior as been huge. For the first time in nearly 35 years is he tired, flat, irritable and - I suspect - a bit depressed. He’d retire tomorrow if they offered redundancy and paid him enough to last until his pension can be drawn. Mid to late fifties is when men are at risk of MH issues. Physical health also begins to decline at this stage.

I think you need to park the discussion about his inheritance for now and actually talk to your husband about how and why he feels the way he does, whether he needs a well-man/post 50 medical to check on his physical health, and if there are steps you can take as a couple to mitigate things you identify together. Perhaps he might like to feel you prioritise him over the children for once: a discussion about his needs and offering real support, rather than demanding that the money he sees an escape route be ring-fenced entirely for the children, may be long overdue?

OP wasn’t the one writing the will?

Similar situation here. Together for 30 years but we’ve always struggled. Our parents have helped often with some of our child related costs. Children are now teens. DH will receive an inheritance and wants to use it to develop our house - he has dreamed of developing property.

We haven’t had the discussion yet, but if he thinks having a grander house is more important than our retirement, or being self-reliant, or our children’s future, then I will lose a LOT of respect for him. It could be marriage defining.

I have no idea what our children face in the future, but I imagine they will struggle to buy homes, clear student debts, start families, and who the hell knows how AI will impact job prospects. There is no way I could enjoy a nice house knowing we could have helped them have easier lives in the way our parents have helped us when we’ve needed it.

You enjoy work, your husband doesn't - as you said in an earlier pos: DH does not feel the same and he wants to walk.

@NotSureAboutThiss Can at least some of the money be put aside to help towards deposits for the kids and the rest can fund his retirement? This seems like a reasonable compromise.

Most kids have to deal with uni fees so I wouldn’t particularly prioritise that. Help towards house deposits are more important.

The point being that had the testator wanted the estate to go to DH's children (and assuming the testator is closely related to DH), they would have bequeathed the estate to the children. They haven't. They wanted it to go to DH for DH to do with as he sees fit

If I lost a member of my family who must have been close to leave me a large sum of money then I would hope I could make my own decisions into how it was spent rather than being bullied into giving it away .
may be he’s sick of the 9-5 slog , I’m 54 and I know I am . I would love to inherit enough to leave and enjoy living again instead of having to work more hours than am paid and more stress than is fair.
is your mortgage paid off ? No outstanding debt? If the answer to those is yes then leave him alone . Let him have the freedom of choice or I guarantee he will resent you.

If you look at the number of working years instead of who retires early, it’s likely to even itself out. Retiring at the same time is only completely fair if you’re both the same age.

What is being asked of you is scary and unknown especially if you are a cautious person. However, the age difference is something to consider you should take financial advice it may not be as scary as you think. Firstly the first £12k is tax free. He will only need to fill the gap between age 55 and 67 when he will receive state pension also he will be able to take his work pension from 55 years old. I suggest you agree to him doing this as sometimes taking a leap of faith is not so bad just because your scared. Your children will also learn more from making their own way/choices/decisions in life and you will have a happier marriage in the end.

Op how old are your kids?
At those ages they could be as young as primary school age with 10 years old school in front of them before uni is even though about.

If anything happened to you is there enough money to support him and the kids while he puts his feet up?

I agree 55 is young to retire while you still have dependant children. I'd say he works until kids are both 18.

Crazy though if you divorced technically he'd have no income to claim CSA on.

Yes I know. It was a stupid question when they could have just written that.

My husband inherited some money a while back and while he did use it to pay off our mortgage I knew it was really down to him, although I can’t deny I’d have felt peeved if he hadn’t 🤷‍♀️ would you expect him to dictate what you did with an inheritance? We also have shared finances but certainly where I am in the UK, inheritances aren’t matrimonial property.

I think it is up to him but equally it’s a bit selfish of him

1. IMO it should be a carefully considered, joint decision, not a kneejerk, emotionally driven decision made by one half of the couple. You are a financial unit. You need to make financial decisions together in a clear-headed, dispassionate way, ideally with advice from a financial advisor.
2. I wouldn't be giving up a decent, though dull job in this current financial/jobs climate. If he regrets his decision in five years, like @AmicaNemica's DH does, he almost certainly won't be able to get back into the workforce at 60, having taken a break.
3. Unless he has health issues, 55 is very young to be quitting work. Did his father die young? The average life expectancy for men in the UK is 79, but if he's MC and in good health he's likely to live much longer than that. All the men in my family have lived to at least 80, even with Parkinsons.
4. Many men in retirement are at a bit of a loose end and unlike women who keep up with friends and have lots of interests they lose a big part of themselves when they lose their professional self. So what would he do with his time? Is he a keen golfer, gardener, tennis player or something else? Does he have friends and, if so, are they retired? I understand that a big pile of money sitting in an account makes it hugely tempting to say 'Fuck it! I can afford to retire now!', but that takes us back to point (1). This should not be a kneejerk, emotionally led decision. A successful, happy and, above all, financially secure retirement takes careful thought and planning.

@Wonkydonkey44 I am not bullying him, the very suggestion is laughable.

No, a bit unreasonable. When I inherited I gave both my adult kids enough to pay off their mortgages. They were long finished education.

But, I also cushioned myself and DH against care costs - we could pay, so we could choose.

My grandkids had a little help through uni, but they worked part time, and more or less sorted themselves out. As was the usual way.

Your DH wants to retire early, and that’s fair enough.

You own a house, and assuming no care needs, your kids will inherit in due course..

We've always had joint finances and I would also feel torn as to whether this money (or some of it) should be considered joint. The main thing though is that this decision is not rushed and you can both come to terms with it afterwards. Can you ask him to agree he won't hand in his notice for at least, say, 12 months. Then use that time to both research fully: see how easy it would be to live on his lower income from the inheritance, fully explore PT possibilities (even when not the norm in an industry, employers can be interested in retaining experienced staff at a lower cost), explore whether anything else could change for him work wise to make it more palatable even with reduced income, check the student loan thresholds against reduced income (there may be considerable advantages to reducing family income whilst more than one child is studying), what he would DO, whether there are options for you both to retire just a few years early.

I retired at 59 & my DH at 60 and we love it, but we both have creative hobbies. I couldn't imagine retiring on my own without a plan. It's best when retirement is something you walk towards rather than walking (or running) away from something into the unknown, just because you can.

It's his inheritance, so he should decide.

I’ve read a few comments and all of yours OP.

You’ve really annoyed me tbh. Your entitlement to money THAT ISN’T YOURS is staggering.

How dare you think you even have a say on what he does with it? How dare you want it to bypass him and go to your kids?!

Please answer because I’m dying to know just how you dare?

The barefaced cheek of you. Thinking you have the right to even try and dictate what he does with it 😂 You shouldn’t even have an opinion.

Could he take a one year sabbatical? Then re-assess?

I'm with you, i’d want to save most of it for the kids.

It might ultimately be up to your husband what he does with his inheritance but I would tell him that I will resent it if I am working full time and trying to support children at uni while he ekes out his inheritance to have the maximum amount of years doing nothing.

I think you should ask him for compromise - so he goes part time or changes sectors to something he will enjoy more. If he agrees to earn even £1000 each month and throw that in the pot as well as him monthly contribution from the inheritance an extra £1000 will go a good way towards helping kids at uni (depending how many are there at once and whether means testing leaves them with the minimum or maximum maintenance loan).