We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

Why would you assume he would sit on his arse. Your comment says more about you than it does about him. I’m retired and busier now than when I was working.

The idea of being given say £200,000 today and spending £20,000 each year for 10 years until there is nothing left just doesn’t sit well with me.

£200,000 invested well over 20 years could grow to £600,000….and probsbly still take the £20k pa as well…

Some extremely harsh reactions here that seem to lack full picture.

At the very least you both need to understand:

• the impact on his pension projections (because these will be based on at least another 10 years contributions)
• What is the impact if you get ill or can't work? Could this money support the whole household if you received a cancer diagnosis tomorrow?
• what about capital projects. If the house needs a new roof, new windows, major repairs. Is this part of his financial planning and contingencies?

It might be his money but unless he can fund the above it very much impacts @NotSureAboutThiss and I fail to see how anyone would think it unreasonable to discuss it and come to a joint decision.

There are many options between work s job you dislike full time gor the next 15 years and never work again. But if you take time out of the workplace at his age and in current climate, getting back in isn't necessarily a choice you'll still have.

My DH would not presume to tell me what to do with my inheritance. Plus OPs DH hasn't made a very different choice.

His plan completely changes their lives. Even without the money aspect, if he retires now while OP continues to work it it will have a profound impact on their day to day.

But that's not really my point. My point is that going ahead with his plan is selfish. I'm not suggesting he should have to follow OP's plan, I'm pointing out that following any plan without considering OP is selfish. It is his money, but after a life time together I would be be horrified if my husband did not consider my hopes and dreams if he got such a windfall (just as I think I would be being selfish if I didn't consider his hopes and dreams).

He can drawdown on his work pension from age 55. He's that age now. He has the option of taking it out or leaving it there to continue to grow tax free and drawdown on his inheritance

This has to be one of the saddest posts I've read on Mumsnet . To not be able to imagine what life has to offer outside of work

That's a bit rude.

I think some posters think you do too, but they have stuck to more polite expression of the fact.

My H and I have joint finances.weve been together 16 years. He will inherit nothing. I will inherit at least 300k. My parents didn't work their whole life's for him to benefit from their money. I'll be damed if he thinks he's going to dictate where it goes. Oh also ,if is short. I was admitted to hoslital and in terrible condition 2 weeks ago. Im only 48 and
I was absolutely ready to die. Let him enjoy his life while he's physically able to. Your kids will inherit when its their time. As for uni costs they can cover it with loans and grants like a huge amount of the population.

@Purpleharlow - from one Purple to another, please can I join you in the Deranged Corner?

I think the most interesting part of this post is the lack of D in DH to merely H and the coldness that follows it.

And to add. He's five years older than OP and statistically men die at an earlier age than women (I think it's about a four year difference). So on a pure statistical basis, if DH is to enjoy as many years of retirement as OP, he should be retiring nine years ahead of her 🤓

I thought that too actually - and it came across as though the OP hasn't even bothered to ask him!

OP you are going to get a lot of strong reactions; that doesn't make them "deranged."

People will feel strongly because many posters will be thinking of leaving their own dc an inheritance (or nephews or whatever; not sure what relation this inheritance came from, but it doesn't really matter.) No-one planning to leave money to their chosen recipient wants to envisage the use of that money being commandeered by their spouse. If they had, they would leave it jointly.

If they are that vile to their husbands, it's time for the husbands to grow a backbone and LTB. No relationship,is worth putting up with that shit (well, I wouldn't put up with it)

@Livelovebehappy - I like your username!

I lost both my husband and brother to heart attacks this year. Ages 61 and 52.

1. why would he be 'pottering' - have you even spoken with him about his dreams for an active retirement?
2. staying in a job you don’t like and want to walk out of (coupled with long hours and no option to go PT) can be deleterious for health

I think you’re in the right tbh. Especially if he doesn’t have a plan. He’s basically putting all the focus on uni years on your work plans. I’d actually be quite angry about his selfishness. Fine for him to have some time out, go part time or retrain. But retire? Seems lame.

I mean, to build on that, let's just put this a bit differently.

Imagine your DH does agree to keep working, and so do you, and you hit your target of whatever it is you feel you need to set your dc up with a house deposit, as you plan. You will have worked hard for that. Much is invested in it for you emotionally as well as financially.

Let's now imagine your DC is delighted, is keen to apply that to a house purchase. However, their spouse is a keen equestrian. She believes the very best thing for their dc would be to continue renting the property they are in which has stables and facilities for horses they could not afford with your house deposit. The house deposit she says, could be put to good use buying and maintaining horses, plus a new horse float.

My point is, if you have given it to your dc, it just isn't her place to decide she can think of a different plan.

She doesn't want to retire. She wants to work for another 15 years

When someone passes away it changes your perspective on life.

I have also worked with people that did not live to state retirement age.

Perhaps your DH is fed up of working & wants to enjoy his life while he is young & healthy

When her husband is 70 😬

Yes, it does bring perspective doesn't it.

Thats a sobering though.
I hope you have lots of support around you.

This is MN where everyone expects to be a healthy 80 year old, out playing golf and going to lunch.
Reality just isn't like that for many.

I wouldn’t agree that uni costs should be paid in full but certainly it would be nice to avoid as much debt as possible for them. I think I would make a choice between uni debt and a decent house deposit each. But that’s by the by. The bigger issue is the retirement question.
if we look at the working years where pension contributions are made, He’s retiring possibly a quarter earlier than expected. Will he continue to pay into his pension? If not, then once the inheritance money runs out then his pension will be rather smaller than expected.
Id be more supportive if there were an actual plan for his retirement. I can kind of imagine you in a year’s time going batty because he’s always stuck around the house. If he had a particular skill that he might monetise on a self employed part time basis then I’d be more supportive.
Does his retirement look like him realising things that YOU might have thought were joint dreams? I’d be pissed off with that.
I’m not anti retiring early. I’ve lost 3 family members in their 60s, before they’d had a chance to make bloody good use of their pension funds and I think this makes you feel like life is too short etc etc. I’m encouraging DH to take the tax free element of his pension when he turns 60 next year, and use some of it to subsidise six months off work fulfilling one of his dreams (that I don’t share). But then he’ll return to work and will continue to make his pension contributions throughout. It won’t affect our joint plans though or our future finances. And our dc are older and settled.