We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

I think a conversation and consideration of the whole picture is entirely appropriate.

My Dh has just quit his job and will be using "his savings" to retire - without conversation with me or the children( who are old enough to be included but still dependents).
And its not the first time he's quit work and spent capital without thinking of me and the children so i am considering divorce - and he will lose half of his "retirement funds" .
When i acquired a lump sum i used it pay off some of the mortgage, which benefitted all of us .
He however has decided unilaterally that the money he has acquired should only benefit him.
Last time I told him big decisions should be discussed and he has ignored this entirely; therefore, I am now making the decision that he can make all his decisions independently of me and the family unit.
Hopefully you can agree a way forward amicably.

Inheritance is the one thing that is not automatically considered joint assets in divorce proceedings, so I don't think it should be considered as joint money.

You had a right to share your opinion and him to listen and consider it, but in the end, it is right that his intentions should trump.

OPs mortgage is paid off already. She has decided her husband's inheritance is to be given to their children. She has decided he should continue to work at a job he hates and has been working at for decades, because she wants her children to have more of his money. She herself wishes to continue working.

So, really not a similar situation.

I agree with you, OP, this is joint money and it should be a joint decision.

Sorry if I have missed it but how old are your DC? We plan to work until our DC are through uni (if they go)/ 21 just so that we can help them out financially. We could probably retire at 50 otherwise but not sure that is the right message to send to our DC and it would make things a lot tighter for us.

As others have said, could he take a sabbatical so he has a job to go back to, or if your children are under 18 and you haven't used statutory parental leave up he could take 4 weeks per child off (unpaid) just to give him a break, if that's what he needs?

My dh and I have been together for 35 years and have always had joint finances. DH is 54 and would like to retire next year, if he had any inheritance come his way I would never expect him to spend it on anything other than what he so chooses, if his parent wanted any to go to your dc they should have included them in their will, just as my FIL has done.

I think you are being very unreasonable, it is not your money to have any say over. You need to keep quiet and allow you dh to retire if he so wishes.

I don’t want to retire for another 15(!) years. I know that could change but is it really healthy to be ‘pottering’ essentially alone all this time?

Who does the housework? Shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning?

Make it clear to him that if you are still working and he is at home, you expect him to take on the majority of all this, just as he would have to do if he was unemployed.
The reason this is fair is because by not carrying on contributing to his pension, he is directly affecting the standard of living you will both enjoy in retirement - in other words it directly affects you. It is not a matter of him choosing to spend his own money and time in a way that doesn't affect you.
He cannot reasonably expect to spend all his time on hobbies or whatever and leave the housework split just as it is now.
If he realises this is the expectation, he might just rethink and decide he would rather carry on working than take on a much bigger share of the housework.

Equally, if you do a big chunk of it now, you will need to let go of the reins. You can't control and 'manage' the housework. You should be able to come home after work and essentially do very little (because there are no small children for him to parent, so he has loads of time during the day to get it all done).

Agree with this. My DF died suddenly at 67, two years past retirement age but he kept working FT in a job with very unsociable hours, even though he financially was more than capable of retiring. Im already saving up to retire early cos fuck that, working until age 68.

I just don’t understand those posters who are saying “ It’s his money, you have no say in what he does with it “.

Surely in a normal loving partnership this is a joint decision - as whatever the DH decides to do impacts on both of them.
Legally the inheritance is DH ‘s , but IMHO morally they should both be involved in deciding the way forward.
55 is extremely young to retire - what is he going to do all day ?
Yes, we all know people can die young and unexpectedly- but they can also live well into their 80s and beyond !
They need some good financial advice, and to compromise . Personally I would suggest he works for another 5 years - 60 is still young to retire ! - and then reassess.
A lot can change in 5 years.

What you want from his inheritance is irrelevant. You can do what you want with your own inheritance if there is one.

The only thing that is truly finite is time. Why not let him retire whilst he is still fit and well and enjoy some time without being tied to the treadmill? Your children may inherit your property, or make their own way and have their own finances.But you cannot get this time back, if he wants to retire I’d say go for it.

I've lost three friends or work colleagues this year 52, 49 and 54. Let him retire and enjoy his life. Retirement in 10 years is not a given.

I agree with you OP.

I would temper this by asking whether you had loosely factored in any inheritance into joint financial planning. If you do, and this was against plan, then I'd lead with that.

I'd also check to see how future planning was impacted by him leaving employment early eg pension top ups etc even small things like death in service payments and healthcare....

In an ideal world after 20+ years of marriage and joint finances, you’d talk about it and come to an agreement but if you genuinely can’t agree, then yeah, the inheritance left to him is ultimately his money and his choice. Of course you get to have an opinion, but ‘I should have a say’ and ‘I should get equal control over money someone specifically left to you’ are not the same thing.

This!

There's a time to be cautious and there's a time to enjoy some good fortune.

This !

Op you so realise almost a third stop work with ill health before retirement age?

15 yeara takes you to 65, there is no guarantee that you'll still be fit and healthy then.
That also means your DH would be 70.

I think some sort of compromise is needed. Possibly working another 5 years then enjoy retirement together.

People might be living longer but a lot of those years aren't exactly fit and healthy years.

I agree with this.

It's also why I'm encouraging DD14 to find a way into chosen career by way of an apprenticeship rather than uni - as the only way I can contribute to that is by giving her somewhere to live (at home, if she stays local)

Otherwise she will need to take whatever loan she can, and get a job alongside - and finish in debt. The choice will of course be hers 🤷‍♀️

I am still Team OP. Once the money is spent, it's spent. I agreed that DH could retire and I would make it work - DH worked in retail and his pension was parlous and he didn't even have a full state pension! He gave me 'some' money to reduce our joint mortage but could have paid it all with plenty spare.
People get very selfish and entitled when they receive lump sums that big!
In the past I inherited first and paid off our debts (even those in his name). With another legacy, I received less than 10% of his and used it to fund our house move. DH's parents could have been much more generous in their lifetimes but chose not to - presumably because BIL is divorced and 'lost' a house in their split.
Regarding intergenerational wealth - the bulk of the money was from DFIL's family, accumulated over many years, some went direct to DH & BIL on his death. I think they would be horrified it was spent on day-to-day expenses, and not put in 'trust' for future generations.
DH & I did have a chat and earmarked paying accommodation fees for DS1 at uni which as stated was £15000 over 3 years. We went on a nice holiday £10000 4 of us. A 2nd hand car £10000.
Luckily the stock market has grown the remainder otherwise 'we'/I would be faced with paying ALL big ticket expenses - new kitchen, house and garden repairs out of MY work pensions!

I would normally post on these threads and say that yes it is outside family planning and its his money to make decisions about

BUT

That's what I would say in a period of economic stability with fairly predictable outcomes for the family financial planning.

I've spent the last couple of weeks looking at various factors that say this is not a period of stable economics.

Everyone, in a position to do so, should be approaching the near future with it in mind, there's a few potential black swans lurking, which could very much knock family financial planning off what you are expecting and you'd be wise to plan accordingly and increase your margin of security if you can.

I'm reading the stories way below the headlines at the moment and there's major problems ahead that really are of concern which aren't registering to enough people yet.

He is a very useless lazy man

Taking all the money that someone worked all their life for, so he can spend the rest of his life sitting on his arse.

I literally wouldn’t dream of telling my man what to do with money he inherited. If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to how would You feel

It’s a real risk at his age. Cost of living is crazy. I totally understand where you are coming from. How much inheritance is it?

Why do you think he shouldn’t?
I bet you a pound to a penny if the roles were reversed he be lumbering OP with his.

@Purpleharlow you sound deranged.