We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

None of these arguments are logical either way until you've established if the money available is enough.

It doesn't sound like there is a solid plan as his draw down is the capital. Fine if you have another good pension pot to use later and that has already built sufficiently for no more contributions to be required.

None of us know the answer to this but as the OP says they have little in savings, it seems unlikely.

No two people's retirement plans are the same because they rely on many different factors but everyone needs a solid plan if retiring at 55.

For some it's a very sensible decision. For others foolhardy. We have no way of knowing which this is but it should be worked out as a couple.

Thank you. It's been tough. I just try to be grateful for what I do have. There are people worse off than me.

"But he hasn’t suggested OP does the same"

he's suggested exactly that but OP doesn't want to and in faCt wants to work a further 15 years

Must admit, my user name probably doesn’t reflect my real outlook these days! I used to live my best life, love life and be pretty happy. But life has a way of knocking you down. Probably should change my name to ‘constantlypissedoff’. If not already taken of course…..😄

I can kind of imagine you in a year’s time going batty because he’s always stuck around the house.

Truthfully, this just hasn't happened to ANYONE I know who has retired. I have one family member who became a published author. Another set up a dog association for a certain breed. An aunt created an award-winning garden.

The Marquis de Sade didn't start writing until imprisonment presented the opportunity!

Anna Sewell published Black Beauty at 57 - and died a short time after, which reinforces the point about taking opportunities to do these sorts of things.

And Little House on the Prairie was written in Laura's 60s.

And people didn't live as long back then.

Anyone who can find nothing to do in retirement only has themself to blame.

You’ve inspired me-thank you!

How much is the inheritance? Can he live off the interest and keep the capital for the DC? If you want to carry on working you do, if he wants to retire he does. It's his money anyway.

I'm so sorry. It just underlines how we often think we have more time. Not always, sadly.

I hope you have support as you grieve your losses

I think it can always be tricky dealing with inheritance within marriage and is probably the last big money issue we consider when we first get married and decide how we are going to run things financially.
It emotional as well as financial as money is power and if one partner suddenly has a large sum that is legally just theirs it really can turn things upside down.
Even if he did invest in a rental or a share portfolio it would still be his, and his alone.

Hopefully you can come to a solution you can both live with and benefits you as a couple but be wary of how you go about it. Arguing, demanding or trying to manipulate him could cause long term problems in your marriage.
If he really wants to retire early you may have to accept that but that doesn't mean you stop communicating about finances. You still need to jointly decide how this is going to work going forward. Is he going to keep a pension fund going? Will he have an emergency fund? Just because your retired doesn't mean you never get unexpected expenses. How would he feel if one of the children got offered a great opportunity but he couldn't help them realise it?

It's a decision to make together

Entitled at the very least.

At some point is the husband allowed to enjoy money, willed to him, and his finite lifespan or must everything go to the children, who haven't even made decisions about university, houses, etc?

You’d be much better off investing the money. Rental returns are usually rubbish compared to that and a load of hassle.

No it isn’t. The money was left to one person and only one person. And the cheque won’t have @NotSureAboutThiss‘ name on it.

Is there not a half way? Either reducing hours or banking the money for now and working a few more years but not as many as planned?

I think he's selfish and lazy. If I received an inheritance I would go on a family holiday, buy a expensive coat and use the rest to pay down the mortgage (I'm in my 30s), so all shared with my family (except the nice coat lol). 50 is so young to retire, what's he going to do with his life? Is he likely to take on most of the cooking and cleaning? I wouldn't like to have someone sat around for decades while I worked and did housework.
I think if you are able to retire early, it's nice to go at the same time as your spouse.

I disagree with just about everything about this post.
I certainly wouldn't be buying a coat with an inheritance but that's neither here nor there.

Loads of people I know have retired at 50 or 55. They are not lazy people but had very demanding jobs that would be difficult to do as they age or are burnt out.

My dad, and both uncles took retirement at 55. Dad is now 85 and is not lazy or bored. He does the majority of the housework and has done since he was in his 30s. Mum couldn't work but still has a fulfilling life.

Life is for living and if you can make the most of it and dont want your nose to the grind any longer than you have to and can afford to retire, then go for it.

Me and dh will be retiring separately. Im semi retired now and loving it. Dh is now mid 60s wants to carry on for another couple of years and then change his business. He'll never not do nothing.
Each to their own.

I certainly didnt put money away for kids going to uni, which is just as well because they didnt want to go and I certainly wasn't going to put a deposit on a house for them. They did that for themselves.

You haven’t said but if it was a parent that passed then he could possibly be thinking “well dad/mum passed at 75. I don’t want to waste another 10 years of my life when I could actually be enjoying myself instead of maybe dying tomorrow”.

bereavement can really change your mindset. When my mum passed suddenly at 69 3 years ago (my dad was 69 when he passed too but that was a long time ago) it’s made me realise that life is not as long as you think it is.
My entire life and personality changed. I’m a total different person due to mums death.

I was the same. Mine both died within six months and the way I saw the world changed completely.

Sorry OP but I am with your DH on this. Both DH and I retired early 50s a bit under 2 years ago and are loving it. You say why retire when your health is good but really you have no idea when that can change and it can in an instant so if someone can retire and wants to retire then I would be encouraging them.

When people close by to you die unexpectedly or you see them work until they can’t and then spend retirement in ill health it changes your view on life.

I retired early (57) even though it meant taking a cut in my pension; but it was the best thing I have ever done. I honestly wonder now (13 years on) how I would have coped with another 5 or more years. If my wife had tried to force me to carry on, I would not have forgiven her.

Slight tangent here, but how long did it take for his inheritance to be confirmed @NotSureAboutThiss? I lost someone this summer who told me that they had left a particular item to me in their will (sentimental rather than financially valuable). It’s been a couple of months and I haven’t heard anything - is that normal? I would dearly love to have this item to remember them by as it had strong meaning for our relationship.

Going back to your point, OP, I can see both sides here but it’s ultimately his inheritance. If you’ve paid off the mortgage and were previously planning to support your children, you should be able to still do this?

Really? I’m shocked considering even the government expect parents to help children through uni! If your parents have a salary of over £60k or something they get half of the loan amount.. a summer job simply won’t cut it and jobs in most uni cities can be hard to come by. My sister worked 4 nights a week through uni and my parents still gave a considerable sum monthly, she wasn’t living lavish.

Neighbour passed away in their 90s

Sadly the son passed away unexpectedly a few weeks later in their 50s

Nobody has a crystal ball to see their future

I think that he should do what he wants to do !

His inheritance his call

I’ve stopped allowing people to take advantage of me, I basically stopped giving a shit. If you love and care about me then you get exactly the same back, and more. If you ignore me and treat me badly, I’ll just forget that you exist.
I’ve not spoken to my brother since my mums funeral (I don’t have to keep the peace anymore) and I’ve not seen my sister for over 2 years (I only realised this week. I didn’t realise it had been so long).

I don’t care what people think of me anymore, life is too short.

And if their preferences are widely different and completely incompatible, as they are here, surely the person who was actually given the money gets to decide?

OP told us she wants to 'have a say'. But that's not what she really wanted; having had her say she actually wants to overrule her husband and make the decision herself.