We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

Your husband won't be paying into his pension, if he stops working. If the inheritance is more than his pension contributions will be from now until retirement age, then he may have a point. If not, then he would be better off working to maximise his pension pot, and having the inheritance on top.

Is the inheritance enough to pay all the university fees and have a substantial amount left? Or would the university fees take all the inheritance? I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'd be wanting to spend all of my inheritance on university fees. Helping out yes, using it all, no.

I’ve looked over the OPs posts again to try and answer your question as to why I have such a strong reaction to this thread.

The OP quoted someone who put it quite succinctly I think - that this is money from HIS relative and it’s come as an extra - outside of the family’s financial planning. So the family have planned their finances a certain way which worked for them as a family as it should.

This money is extra and is HIS. It seems he’s abided all these years by what he and the OP had planned for their finances (which, as I said, is only right), I just don’t think a person has the right to an opinion on their spouses inheritance.

That's a good idea.

Personally I retired at 55 because of the fact the job gave me arthritis and making it worse, it's stabilized since I stopped. But I got a small zero hours job with complete flexibility to pay for the treats in life and the essentials like cider!

However op my mum was 47 when she died, dad 55, my cousin was 58. Fil worked till 70 and had a heart attack a few months later and was too scared to do much for the next 20 years....let your husband do what he wants. My wife still works part time and sees a lot of her 97 year old mum so I do all the housework...I actually enjoy it and still have plenty of time to cycle and do stuff for me and with her

He only has one life, and if he wants to retire early and can afford it - its only fair he does. It sounds like you are in a good financial position already. You should provide for your kids but not at an expense of being a work horse.

I got an inheritance and the first thing I did was put some aside to help my kids (not enough to buy a place, but enough to help with deposits). What’s left is mine to do what I want without guilt (no dh in the mix). I couldn’t have kept it all for myself without helping my kids.

I have never really understood this point of view. Where does it end? When does someone actually get to enjoy the money rather than spending their whole life 'sacrificing' for their kids?

Would you be disappointed if your kids, having been helped with university fees and a house deposit, chose to live the life of Riley because of a lesser financial burden than their peers? Would you like them to scrimp and save for their children too?

Your husband has a dull job and sees a way out. He can easily afford that way out.

It's possible, likely even, that AI will make huge medical advances and cure diseases, meaning we all live much longer, healthier lives. How will that be paid for? I am older than your husband and retraining in a new career.

Although I think help with deposits would be good (not uni fees though), I have to disagree that the ‘majority’ should be put towards the kids. I’m helping mine with deposits from my inheritance but absolutely not the majority of it, I need to benefit from the inheritance too and it’s enabled me to just work (very) part time.

Will he still be contributing his share to the household income so that you are not having to carry him? Does he think he will have 5 days a week extra all to himself or does he realise he will have to do a lot more household chores? He may not have a realistic idea of what his retirement would be like. Would he consider a lower paid job so he could invest the money and draw down a supplement to his income, and then you keep sum of the capital sum

The key in this question is that it is his inheritance, if he wants to use it to retire early , not for uni fees that's up to him. It isn't up to you to decide where the money would be best used, the fact you have been together 20 years does not make it a joint inheritance- you can try and persuade him , but in the end it is his choice. You are being unreasonable expecting him to work on so you can spend his money on the kids- what were you going to do about uni fees and deposits before this inheritance?

I think it's easy to say it's your money to do as you choose and no one can tell you otherwise, when you're choosing to do something really sensible. Why would your DH possibly object?! OP would be perfectly happy if her DH decided to do what you've done with yours. Some in savings and some towards DC's uni costs.

lol I was going to say calm down dear but thought that might not go down well 😂 glad you seem calmer now though 😊

Why do you think he’d have to do more household chores when you have no idea how much he does now?

It’s all about compromise. If I got enough money to merit a change in circumstances I would certainly want to include others affected by those changes in my decision.

Ultimately he can do as he likes but if there are problems further down the line and it wasn’t a mutually agreeable decision it could be harder to get through a resulting tough patch.

Could there be something in the middle? Like he reduces his hours to three or four days a week?

Honestly the more I read the more I do think you are being unreasonable.

You said in another comment “if they chose to go to uni” - you’re basically telling DH he can’t use the inheritance that he received to fund your children’s life in the future. Why can’t you put a decent amount into their savings accounts and accept they will find their own way in life?

I would never, ever want my dad to save his inheritance for me one day if I knew he could retire and be happy and get out of a job he hates. Don’t get me wrong I’d love it if they told me at 18 that they’ve got £25k waiting in a bank account for me for a car and house deposit! But I wouldn’t expect him to save almost every penny for me. No way.

You said you enjoy working and it’s your choice to carry on, why aren’t you listening to DH’s feelings?

I truly do believe in compromise. Wether that’s a lump sum to each kids in savings and he drops down to 2-3 days a week, or retires, maybe you can drop a day.

If this was my DH getting money from his side of the family I’d advise how I feel about it but I certainly wouldn’t make him feel pressured into doing what I want with it only

If the person leaving the money had wanted it to go to the children they would have left it to the children- it is YOU who wants the money to go to the children , and bluntly it is not your decision.

Did he talk about retirement prior to this inheritance? Has he discussed what he plans to do with his time?

You absolutely have a right to ask him what he is going to do with his days. I thought DH was crazy to walk away from his large contractors income, but he seems to have no regrets and is filling his days productively, if driving me slightly potty as I seem to have become his defacto manager required to praise him for his efforts ( sadly don’t get to dictate the actual chores). Would we have more money if he was still working, well yes absolutely but I can’t force him to work.

In our case it’s worked out well, I couldn’t have managed this year without DH supporting with my DPs. But yes the dynamic of him being retired and me working needs navigation and he has decided he doesn’t want to go away for long trips on his own.

Its good to support your DCs but agree with others saying that uni degrees are no longer all they are cracked up to be, in some ways I wish DS hadn’t gone as I can’t see that it’s going to add that much to his employability prospects. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting either of us to work past 60 to fund their DCs post grad studying. At that point they are definitely adults and should be making decisions based on their own financial circumstances.

Tough, OP. If it is your husband's inheritance (as you say), then it's his money and therefore he decides what to do with it. It wasn't left to both of you.
My husband had a substantial inheritance from a parent some years ago - I don't know the exact amount, and I don't know what he did with it, because it was nothing to do with me.

My parents (divorced) unfortunately both passed away a while ago. Any money I received from their estates (split with siblings) I saw as joint with my husband. We share finances and have done for a long time. Therefore any inheritance is as much for my DH as me. We support each other financially. He didnt get an inheritance from either of his parents. Its not 'my' money, , its ours. And it will ultimately help our kids.

My eldest DS in his third (and last) year of uni. By the time he graduates his student loan will be not much short of £50k and that is the minimum student loan. He's on plan 5 so will be paying it back for 40 years. Contrast that to me and DH who got a grant and all fees paid when we went to uni ourselves! As DH's salary and my carers allowance JUST tip us into the band where DS gets no maintenance loan, we're supposed to pay him the difference which is approx £7k per year. That doesn't even pay DS's rent! He pays £140 per week, I paid £28. He also pays over the summer as its a small city and the landlords have the market wrapped up so 99% of contracts start in July so there's no way of getting out of it if you want accommodation there. His rent is cheaper than most as he lives a long way out and has a 30 minute cycle in. Uni is so expensive! I also get him a shop when I visit, and our cost savings at home dont really cover this. We obviously support him as much as we can, but its a huge financial drain. And its only DS that will be going to uni, his sibling has complex medical and developmental issues so wont be going.

Hence money is a huge issue at this point in life. We want to support DS as much as we can as he already has racked up huge debt, we'd like to help him out with getting a first car, we helped him out with driving lessons, and when he comes to get a house he will need a huge deposit. He has got a casual job but we've basically kept him for free when he comes home to allow him to save a bit. But again that costs us.

Just pointing this out as my/our inheritance is being used for this, and for us to enjoy life at the moment by going on holiday and to maintain how we live. I know we are fortunate to be able to do this, but I'd much rather have had more time with my parents and my kids to have had their grandparents than the short time they had. I know their grandparents wanted the best for all of us, so we're using any money for all our benefit, not just one person. I think your DH is being very shortsighted.

But it IS his money! Your other finances may be joint, but if the deceased's Will said "I bequeath £??? to Fred", then the money belongs to Fred alone. Otherwise the Will would have said "I bequeath £??? to Fred and Mary". You maybe long-married (as am I) but you are not a single entity. You also can't tell another person if and when they are allowed to retire, FFS!

But he hasn’t suggested OP does the same. In fact the OP has said the money would cover his contribution to the family money from now up until retirement age. It wouldn’t covers hers too. Luckily she wants to work. She’s also said she’s worried about his pension pot as once this money runs out at retirement age he’ll have less pension to live on as he hasn’t paid into in since he was 55.

the answer is obviously a compromise. He needs to top up his pension first and see what’s left. It might mean working a couple more years but still taking a significantly early retirement.

It's pretty funny actually, when you re-read the title of the post and think about the bloody cheek of the OP, deciding to try to snatch her husband's money away from him because she has plans for HIS money - and they don't include him 😆

"WE want different things from HIS inheritance" 😆

What a shame he's not on board with OPs plan for him to work till he drops dead - or she instructs him he is allowed to retire - and hand HIS money over to their kids.

Hope he enjoys his retirement.

I'm going to assume he's lost both his parents? Or does he have more inheritance coming?

Perhaps it's made him reconsider what's important in life and what he wants to do with the rest of his. Loss tends to bring your own mortality to the front of your mind.

What about you? Well you get an inheritance? Will he get a say in how you spend it? What would you do if he wants to do something different to what you had planned?

I think the bigger picture here is making decisions as a couple about when and how each of you retire, based on individual needs and those of the family.

Yes, it is 'his' money, but the decisions he makes about it affect you and his children.